Poetry: Before I Knew

A desire
A longing
A wish
A short contemplation of the mind
A slight sorrow
A break in thought
Not to be thought again
Till another day

An unlived fantasy of the mind
Drawing life from dearth
A bother
A hindrance
But
Nothing more

Then one day
Among thoughts of need
Availability is there
Possibility is here
Going along out of fear
Don't want to miss an opportunity
The comings and goings of which are too fast

So now I have a taste
It unleashed my appetite
A desire before? A desperation now
A longing before? A burning now
A wish before? A craving now
A small thought turned to all day obsession
Mad with yearning
There is no other thought
Hoping to end this consideration
With the end of today

If I knew this power of my mind
Drawing and reflecting given a taste of my desire
Then
Would I have let myself still be led here?
Weak in coveting
Because I know.

Poetry: It Couldn't Happen to Me

A small child idolizes the future
Takes the pain of the world
Putting on some rose-coloured glasses
Bringing light to the darkness
Unaware of truth or perhaps more so

They can wish for hardness
They can wish for difficulty
They can wish for pain

They can want the things that cause tears
And call it real
They can see the fights between their parents
And call it love
They can ask for the difficulties of adulthood
And call it mature

They don't really think it'll happen
To them

That's why they can idolize it
Think that they can do it better
Trusting that they will be stronger people
Than the ones who came before

Then as they grow
And deviations from plan spiral along
The fabrics of a dream unravel
Turning dark, becoming living nightmares

When being broke was a joke
Well, not anymore as you see your wife starve
When being mugged was a game
Well, not anymore as you lost your weekly salary
When being raped was romanticized
Well, not when you're scared out of your mind
When fighting was considered communication
Well, not when it came to blows and a hospital bill
When brutality was considered heroic
Well, not when you see your best bud die
When growing up and moving out was ideal
Well, not when you're living paycheck to paycheck
And you still don't know what you'll be doing with your life
Because
Because
You lost your dream
And not only is it gone but
You can't even remember what it was

And you can only sing along to songs
Saying how no one ever said life'd be this hard
Wanting to start again
With the information of now

Filled with morose thinking of a halcyon youth
Back when

It couldn't happen to me.

Poetry: Passing Days

Tomorrow seems so far away; distant and vague, remembering the yesterdays that have past brings memories that I don't know what to do with; dare I go back to remembering, so let us linger in today; living the life that we presently have and learn to love me for all of me no matter what may happen.

Poetry: Reflecting

I see you sometimes
Walking, sitting, living

It's been months since our last encounter
I can't claim to know who you are anymore

Have you changed since then?
I feel like none of me has remained the same

But I see you
It no longer saddens me

I take a small moment to ponder
Are you happy with your life?

Do you still have the same excessive poor diet?
Are you still a loner?

I don't really want to know you again
Finally, you're just a stranger

So I wonder if you're okay for a small moment
Before I forget that I saw you.

Poetry: Here

One night of passion
A single day where reason fades away
The solitary moment when bad decisions were made

Oh how they taint us
And turn our skin black
Our mind's eye can never un-see
The events that taint our memory

We try to move on
It never happened, we think
A dream best forgotten
A nightmare
Waiting to be unleashed

We stand and look proud
And act with defiance
But inside we're broken
And trembling sets in
Doubt floods the mind
Leaving us weak and mild

And I see you now
But you can't see me
All of the emotions gripping
Fighting for control
And I can't think straight
My heart's all align and
Stop

I'm here
You're there
Look at me
Please tell me
What are you thinking?
I don't want to live like this

My walls are held up by nothing
The platform has disappeared
A cornerstone missing
You can see the foundation lacking
No roof to protect me

Please don't desert me
Trust me to understand
Let me see
I'll tell you what you mean to me

But it takes two to dance
And you're not walking towards me
So I'm not gonna push it

One night of mistakes
That lead to this mess

All I want is to communicate

I await your desire and availability
Here

I am defeated.

Poetry: Broken, Bleeding

The hand is shaking
But the grip is smooth
The flesh is cold
But the blood runs hot

This
This is what I need
Self despising yet
Gleeful in anticipation

The knife is sharpened
The hands quiver
The blade grazes the skin
Just play for a second
No need to rush
All you have is time
Full focus

After months of cloudy judgment
Negatory thoughts
Doubt
Confusion

Here
Here is clarity
Here is calm

The blade flirts with the skin
Pressing its power
Down
It creates a dent
Down
Soft release

A pool wells at the edges
Filling
Overflowing

Release
The fog in the mind dispersed

A tear rolls down the cheek unnoticed
Pure, unadulterated freedom
Feelings finally known

The prize almost sexual
It's primal
Falling in love
With the simplicity of pain

Watching in subdued tones of contentment
Red fills the empty space
The ichor of the soul
Poured

Sleepiness overtakes all slaves of the blade
Stealing away residues of body heat
The clarity leaves
And numbness takes its seat

Wash away the evidence
Bandage the wound
Hide the betrayal
There's no need for anyone else to see

Let the sheets consume the husk
The carapace sleeps while the heart bleeds
Another day stands in wait

Surviving release to release
Praying not to OD

Poetry: The Shell

I'm drifting.
The wind blows and I rush along
In directions
I shouldn't claim as mine.

This path is so inconsistent
This lifestyle isn't me

I look in the mirror
And I can't recognize a thing.

Like a snake that shed its skin
I am the husk that is left

Watch me try to pretend to be a snake
Watch me get torn
Ripped
Broken
Fading

Plaster yourself up, I say.
Add some glue,
Some stones,
Some sticks

Fill yourself up with lies and mud
Pretend to still be a snake

Failing to do each task set before you
Your deceit just causes more ripping

Maybe it's time to retire.
Put the stones back in the pond,
The sticks at the base of the tree.

Stop letting yourself be weighed down
By things you're just pretending to be.

Then you'll fly free

I'll fly away as little old me
An empty husk forever to be.

Give me War

"Do you think that I have come to establish peace on the earth? No, I tell you, but rather division. From now on a household of five will be divided, three against two and two against three; a father will be divided against his son and a son against his father, a mother against her daughter and a daughter against her mother, a mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law." Luke 12:51-53

How are we divided? Let's look at what is being said and what is left inferred in other passages.
A father and son in disunity
A mother and daughter in disunity
A daughter-in-law and mother-in-law in disunity

But father and mother, the married couple are unified.
The siblings show no strife between them.
The daughter-in-law may as well be the mother.
Couple against their children and their parent.

May as well be against the world.
But aren't they?
Jesus calls himself the bridegroom of the church.
It is said that what God has put together no man can separate.
There is so much emphasis on the relationship of marriage...

And none on any other.
In fact, he claims division even at our most basic.
Our core.

What does it mean to be a follower of Christ?
To be a house divided?
To have every one in the world stacked up against you?
As long as you're holding onto the arm of Jesus, yes.
He is saying to join him against the world.
Abandon your family.
Abandon your earthly ties.
Abandon your sin.
Abandon all so that you can be with him.

Everything that makes a relationship toxic...
Everything that makes a relationship cultish...
Everything that makes a relationship separate from the world...
Do it all
Do it with Jesus.

With Love, it cannot go sour.
Hopeless abandon.
Blood is not strong enough.
Brotherhood is not good enough.
But the Love of the Lord?
It is the only thing that is enough.

We keep putting our Christianity into this nice box.
Jesus came for the poor.
Jesus was a good person.
Jesus cared about love.
Jesus served the needy.
But
We aren't listening.

When Jesus hung out with Samaritans...
And we who call ourselves Christian are visibly racist.
When Jesus ate with the tax collectors...
And we demand harsher and harsher penalties for crime.

Jesus left towns of starving, needy people to continue on.
Jesus rebuked those who became materialistic.
Jesus said he wasn't here to help... but to cause discord.
Jesus kept reminding his disciples to focus and listen.
So what weren't they getting?

The battle to come.
The battle for souls reached out across the stars between Heaven and Hell.
The toll of conflict.
The toll of peace.

We aren't listening.

The world is coming to end, the nigh is near.
Dusk is approaching and... we aren't lighting our candles.
Settle into depths of night, close our eyes, let sleep wash over us.
The sleep of death.

Fight back!
Don't let him rob you in the night.
The flaccid are the first to fall.
The opposition follows.

An attack is approaching and we're still on the coach, sipping a beer.

Give me war.
Let me taste the blood of the fallen and my injuries.
It's time to stand and let the Sword of Truth rise.

Persecution is surrounding us, enclosing the world in its prison.
Gather together, we're in a time of waiting.
Like Russia, we're letting them draw us in.
But it's almost time to conquer them in the night!

Come, come!

Listen.

We are alone in Jesus.
Neighbors leave us.
Family persecutes us.
Children desert us.
Friends abandon us.
But.
We are with the Lord.

So let's start acting like it.

Stop picking your losses and
Give me war.

We're needing soldiers.

Poetry: At my Most Vulnerable

Here I am
Drowning in work
The stress over it all
Looming overheard
Here I am
On a path all to myself
Walking along unguided
Here I am
Trying to navigate these waters

When there is no one to turn to
But a chorus of people yelling support
When there is only darkness
And people keep proclaiming of light
When everyone is busy
Who can you bother, Ms Annoying?

The efforts of the past
To build your own community
Failed
The friends of good times old
Leave you behind
Forgotten
The promises of many
Under the sands of time
Erased

When every time before
No matter the worst things got
You at least had your blood
But now the rain comes crashing
And even that has slept under the rock
So you stand alone, barren

Putting on a mask of a face
Hiding away your soul
Pieces gone away forever
For they weren't made for a box
Excusing the state because
There's no structure left

All the trees were chopped down
Uprooted too
The buildings crumpled
Rubble remains
Not a soul left
For many miles

So I walk alone
The winds tear at my flesh
Taunting me with names
The rain beats down
Erasing the time

I'm tired
Stressed
Lonely
Fed up

All these feelings
Bottled inside
No release because...
There's no one there
Nothing to take the pressure away

When a sociable creature is isolated
Left for dead
Remains alone too long
They will all go mad
It's not that I'm needy
My sanity requires this

So I say yes when
The answer should be no
And I stay when asked
Because I can't play
Hard to get games
And my coyness makes
My definite answers seem not
And my simpering temperament
Makes all men bold

Nothing wrong happened
And you certainly had fun
I guess I enjoyed parts too
But
This is me
In a state of weakness

You could say I fear the next horizon
You could say I am not ready for this
You could say I have much uncertainty
In fact, you could say almost anything

This is me
Here I am
Look me in the eye
(But not like that)
And see
I'm struggling

And with no one to turn to
And with no one to care
And with no one to speak with
Then, I guess
What's to stop me?

Nothing is holding me back any longer
I'm at my most vulnerable
And you're here
Showing you're available and ready

Mr Flirt, Mr Bad News
You could say I need you

Incapable of Love

You live your life, looking out with longing-- desperately trying to find someone to fulfill a void inside yourself. You're lonely, you long for company... but the harder you try just seems to make the reality slip further and further away and you're left alone wondering why.

It's because of how I look, she says.
It's my personality, he claims.
I don't really want to be with anyone right now anyway, they say defensively.
But at the heart of them, they're desperate: willing to take the first offer they get, hoping that someone will eventually love them.
Even though they don't love themselves.
Even though part of them wonders how anyone could ever love them.

And they failed to realize the most important thing:
If you don't love yourself, it is impossible for you to love another. You may experience lust, infatuation, extreme devotion, ... but love has to come from purity. And this vile way of thinking of yourself can never result in something as beautiful as love.

It originates with the start of Love. Love is Triune because it has to be to be love. Love is not focused on self or gain but rather on the well-being of another. Love is a selfless giving and it must be a relationship. However, love is not toxic or limiting. There is no end to the supply of love but rather in the presence of love it flourishes and expands and grows. Love reaches out from a relationship based on giving and creates life. To have love, all three elements must be present: Father, Son, Holy Spirit.

Love can't start from a place of need. You cannot love if you are desperate for that reciprocation. You are too focused on your own self and your own desires and needs to ever understand what it'd truly be like to love the one you claim your emotions to. It's narcissistic in a creepy masochistic way. It's saying: even I'm not capable of positive feelings towards myself but I'm going to stake my worth on your opinions of me, knowing that it's not possible for them to be positive. That isn't love.

Love is not exclusive. Getting super caught up in the presence of each other that you lose all connection with aquaintances, friends, family, what have you is just... cultish. You are your own person and as great as love is, you do not need them or their love to live. They are not your life line: Jesus is. Making someone your everything is idolatry and leaves you with a very unhealthy dependence upon them as your object of infatuation. Your relationship becomes toxic as it focuses on worshipping each other and yourselves. When something comes in to break that relationship apart or widen its boundaries, it completely shatters the relationship. Whether that be a death in a family, an abortion, distance, loss of work, changing opinions, ... strain comes in. But because you're so isolated from the world, you don't have anything to steady yourself. There is no life support. So, down you go. One final fall. A romanticized pernicious interaction.

I'm so sick of hearing people say things that rely upon fixing themselves before they'll be good enough to receive love. BS on that! We are loved. All of us, totally, truly, and forever. We just have to accept that we're worth it. We're good enough for it. That fixing our faults is great but it's not a factor in determining our worth. So stop acting like it does!

You cannot love until you've been loved. Well, we are loved... we just need to admit it. Not say it, not roll our eyes and move on with life... but to realize at the core of being that we were created by Love, for love. And I'm sorry, but until you realize your worth, until you stop checking out that scale, until you stop feeling sorry for yourself for not reaching your ideal version of yourself... until it stops being about you and starts being about God, you are incapable of love.

And we wonder why the world is in moral decline.

Poetry: Girl Made of Porcelain

I'm a girl made of porcelain
Simple as can be
You can set me on display
Or play for hours three

If you set me down
You'll not dust me
But I'll last forever
On display only watching

If you play with my body
You'll discover the hardness of my skin
But the fragility upon dropping
Only by harming me

My face is set and unchanging
If it scares you there's nothing to be done
If you think it pretty I thank you
Too often I am an object of angst

Alone on an a shelf I ponder
At the hollowness of my shell
The paint on my face that scares you
The cotton dress that feels wrong

I did not choose to made into this
I was not present at my birth
The doll that is regarded as regal
But is played with next to none

Some see me as old-fashioned
Some see me as lacking all worth
Still others just see Chucky
Or a step from foreign birthing

I've been around for a while
But I guess I'm getting more rare
When once people knew how to see me
Now there's confusion; I despair

I'm a girl made of porcelain
I know what I am
Your inexperience has not changed me
Just left cracks in my stone

I am what you see
Nothing deeper to discover
Your voyage to know me destroys me
Leaving rumble in your hands

The life I was given is not easy
But it's what I have to hold
I was created for a reason
So don't lay me in the attic alone

Poetry: Darkness

Mist swirls all around
It isn't night
But it feels like it

Was that thunder or my heart?
Cold wind gushes against my skin
Like tiny fingernails scraping away the flesh

Walking along, trying to find the light
Sounds erupt around like bloody vengeance is here
There's no clear way to see

Walking along, hoping the ground I tread is safe
Fearing a disastrous strike at any moment
I cling to myself

The only thing I know
I shiver along, racing
Quickly darting eyes left and right

Malicious laughter fills the atmosphere
I pause, look around
No face to be seen

"You can't go this way
You have to follow the rules
Do as I command"

Since when are there rules?
Who is the voice in the sky?
How trustworthy is something that I know nothing of?

The atmosphere gets tight
Howling in the distance
Rain pelts down, drawing blood

A

I scream
I resist
I fight

It gets worse and worse but I think I finally can see the sun
Not so far away
Just a little...

Perhaps unattainable
Perhaps just a dream
But I know what I saw

There is nothing here like the light.

B

I bow
I crumble
I submit

The rain quiets down
As it falls my lungs fill with coldness
The light and heat of my soul shrivel

Forget the cold in your coldness
Forget sight in the blackness
Forget passion among the heartless

Becoming one with the night.

Poetry: Trust

Do you?, I ask.
Staring back at me, dumbfounded. I guess the mind's not made up yet.
Cause you shouldn't.
A quizzical look flashes in the eyes.
I'm dangerous.
Disbelief sets in.
If you let me in, if you trust me? I'll break you.
Reassurance settles in to the skeptic.
I guess I'm not very believable. I guess you'll just have to see it. How I wish it didn't have to be.


Do you trust me?, I ask.
Why should I?, you retort.
I guess the message finally sunk in.
Anger boils over the face.
My fear of proximity was eased away only now to be founded.
I see your eyes, sir. Resentment has made them bitter.
How bittersweet candor may be.


I accept my falling

Poetry: Mantra Genius

So here we are, in this cultish setting
You dictate the day, time, hour
Okay that was a bit repetitive but
Control the finances, the location, the theme
Stating the values with no views in-between

It was decisive

Managing my affairs, my clothes, my hair
You'd tell me when to blink
No need to ask when, where
It's as set as if it was writ in dark ink

Like a blood oath there's no avoiding it
A brotherhood chosen before there was a chance to see any different
Living in a dark cave below the ocean floor
Told haunting stories of the mighty water roar

Following along because no option was told
Born to lead?
Nah, I'm strapped to the floor
No need to worry, I listen to what you say
The voices of others all get swept away

One day when you're spying
Making sure that I'm reliable
That your views have permeated inside my skull
I repeat what you have said
Time and time again

It's my personal thought, I say
I've come to a self-realization
(Not knowing it was by your dictation)
Swoop in and praise me
Tell me how proud you are that I've learned

I'm intelligent, you say
Because I live my life your way
I'm told that I'm growing, maturing
Becoming what I'm supposed to be
How should I know that I'm missing the sea?

Eventually you'll let me out of the cave
A missionary of retrieval I'll be
Take more of them back with me
Turn them into us
Let's grow our damp colony!

Out there
In the bright yellow sun
Shocked by the light never 'fore seen
It blinds me
It must be wrong!

These surface people
Tanning and dancing and laughing all day
There must be something wrong
This isn't right
This isn't how it should be

Persistently I demand them to join
Refusing to believe intelligence in their denial
I'm intelligent and I know the mantra
I repeat it
I argue for it
I can't be on the wrong side

Life in the minority
That's what Jesus called us to be!
So this opposition is just support
Everything I see further proves this point
You wouldn't lie to me

These poor others
Outside of our zone
No understanding of our varied rules
That I claim as my truth
I've obeyed since my youth

Stranger
Listen to what I say
The same words told the same way
A constant flow from us
We're pounding out this diction
Ain't no fiction
So belong to our persuasion

See me now

I fit right in

Poetry: What do you do

He seemed fine with that easy smile and natural slump in his shoulders
Goofing and playing around with friends
Until you see him
Crying his prayers with hopeless abandon
What do you do?

She said she was fine
While downing bottles of wine
What do you do?

When his best friend
Committed suicide
What do you do?

When she cuts and barfs
Through tears all night
What do you do?

When the child sees a marriage failing
His parents aren't prevailing
What do you do?

To see the hurt in this broken world
From a satellite
What do you do?

The world's gone to shit they say.
No, the world has always been there.
With age comes the loss of innocence.
The burden of truth.
What do you do?

To know someone is to know their pain
And we're struggling, drowning
Side by side but never more alone
What do you do?

Tell me, I beg.
Answer me, I plead.

What do you do?

Poetry: My Pain

I wake with a startle
What was the dream about?
Doesn't matter as reality
Sets in to play

The muscles ache
The bones are sore
The skin is stiff
The immobility of pain

Little shards of hurt
Course through the blood
Streaming down my limbs
Enveloping the body

I lay in silence
Unsure of what to do
When everything hurts
Who do you turn to?

Patiently waiting
Staring at the sky
Hoping to gain the courage
To rise

Eventually I get up
It takes far too long
Feeling like I'll collapse at any second
This is how I move along

Zombified I walk
I grit my teeth and move
It looks like I'm participating regularly
No one knows how it hurts to breathe

The more I move
The less I feel
Pushing the pain back
Refusing to yield

Don't let me pause
Don't give me a break
The second I do
Reverses the progress made

Days like this suck
Thank goodness they're not every
I just want to be fixed of this tension
That robs my mobility

Poetry: Existence

My eyes are sore -- like I’ve been crying for hours. Yet, I feel emotionally dead. It’s at moments like this when I question my life -- my existence.

What good do I do?

Who would truly suffer my absence when there is no joy in my presence?

I am a dark cloud.

I am not suicidal by any means.

But

the desire?

the... urge, maybe?

Thought.

I don't know what to call it...

a feeling?

This...

thing.

It creeps in while I am in despair.

These demons of the mind.

I want to fade like morning mist.

Maybe not forever but...

Why remain here?

I cannot remember the last true act of kindness that someone gave me.

I can't see any affection in the eyes of those around me.

I was a part of their past

but now?

The present is full of flippancy -- perhaps done in ignorance but

a rejection nonetheless.

My eyes hurt.

This constant headache is throbbing in pain;

it (partially) blinds me.

I feel sick.

I think. I don't know what I feel.

I want to lay down. I want to move.

I want to barf. I want to consume.

I want to cry. I want to sleep.

I want to be loved and babied. I want to be left alone.

No questions. No demands. No probing.

Please.

I can't take any more of this.

That's the only thing I am clear on:

I want the interrogation to stop forever.

I feel stuck.

I want to faint. I'm terrified of passing out.

I want to die but not really.

I don't know what I want and I don't know if I'm in a problematic place.

All I know is

Keep on chugging

Don't let it phase you
Be better than this

This feeling won't last forever

Do what you're supposed to do and maybe one day it'll be enough.

It's hard to see the silver lining when alone in the dark.

Sarcasm

Sarcasm is the worst. I used to think this when I was too young to understand it but now as I grow older, the feelings return as I believe that I have come to understand it too well. It’s full of bitterness and spite, thinly veiled as a joke— a way of mockery at the point’s expense. But you’re not allowed to take it personally without being a stick in the mud. A “no offense but…” comment that is prohibited from taking offense without looking classless. It’s a way that nice people turn into monsters while keeping the world unaware of their slip into hard thinking. A way to shut down empathy without appearing to be without affection. An occasional use can appear as witty but the ones that have sarcasm at their constant use have shown a trend to be people full of hate and acidity towards the world. Is it just a correlation or a causation? I have no clue. But there’s certainly a link and my patience towards its use has worn thin as it feels like each use is an attack on human decency. But how can I say that it upsets me? Moreover, how could I state the reason why? I ignore the phrase and move on, hoping that it is enough indication for them to realize that their comment was not found appealing. But when so many people enjoy this type of crass joke there is not much I can do. I have no right to tell another to stop doing or participating in something that they enjoy because of my personal feelings that have no basis in morality and are purely my own. So… I’ll just sit here, trying to remember that they don’t mean the offense they cause. But that won’t stop me from thinking; sarcasm is the worst.

Finding Truth

What is Truth? Outside of God, in our understanding of an answer between two people… I have  heard time and time again that a straight forward verbal/written answer is the closest that we can get. But is it really? I have learned more about a person from the way they hug in sorrow than their words have ever expressed. I know more about my sister from her laugh and the forced repression of her smile than I ever had from a deep conversation of pure honesty. Personally, I prefer to see love in action compared to an short exchange of “I love you”s. Am I alone in this? Is not watching someone ease a tense shoulder and then their lover, noticing, massage the hurt a better way of showing love than trying to express such a complicated and deep emotion with words? For short exchanges of surface-level information I understand that words are the better way but… for emotionally based information I cannot say that words are enough. When you are in need and someone comes to your aid without you having to ask, when you are given a gift that matches you perfectly without having ever mentioned such a thing, when someone assists you in a task that would have been overwhelming or time-consuming alone completely voluntarily… this is a better way. The hurt in my eyes after your words of spite say more than any word that comes out of my mouth could. My tone, my body language, my actions, the nuances that exist in the silence I give… these aid the truth in my words. How can I express the peace I feel in words without distorting it? How can I say the intensity of my emotions without misrepresenting or corroding them? Outside a simple exchange of information such as classwork or the weather… I don’t understand how words alone can be enough to say that I am being truthful. I’m not trying to fight you. I am desperately fighting to understand. My laugh says more about my mood than answering, “How are you?” no matter how specific the answer. I can answer what happened in my day but only my tone can tell you how it fazed me. Its affect. Show me, no… I guess, tell me how words can accomplish all of this. Because for me, the furrow in your brow explains more than your words. I guess I am a visual person. So tell me, oh pragmatic one, how do I make my words enough? When I am an emotional wreck, tell me how straight forward I should be. I'm looking for the answer.

Knowing

You can only write about what you know. Maybe you haven’t lived through that exact event but feelings that are foreign to your heart can never be expressed purely in written word. This is not a bad thing for how can one show empathy from a place of non-understanding? They cannot. We come together in our sorrow. This is how we come to the Lord: broken and looking for comfort. In joy of peace. While in glorious happiness, the feelings of others are in shadow and our need for others (which is core to our being) remains unknown. We have sorrow to find meaning in our lives. How wonderful is our God that He can turn even our misery into greatness. Lord, help us to know many things so that we can more deeply understand You.

But there is a darkness in only being able to write what you know. When dark emotions of bitterness, hate, spite, depression are shown in your written fantasy how I fear. Because you have to feel these things for them to feel so real in your works. Your inner torment is pleading, reaching out… and I don’t know how to reach it. It’s real, but where is it coming from? And even if I knew the cause, how can I fix the wound? I wish to emphasize but I do not understand enough to be a support. Knowing enough to see a problem but not enough to have the ability to fix the issue is a large frustration. And how do I mention that I see your hurt? When the only way this pain leaks out is in your work, and by becoming aware through this of the minor subtleties in your life that hint at deeper pain, how do I ask for clarity or for your honest perception when you have spent so much effort to hide from me, from the world?

You can only write about what you know. I know frustration and you know pain.

Poetry: The Love of a Woman

You were supposed to be the brave knight
Save the princess from her tall tower guarded
You fought through the thick foliage
Reached her daunting castle

Wiping sweat from your brow
All that effort you put in
Considering the task completed
Raced to her door to knock

"Victory!" Passed from your lips
"I've come here and triumphed!"
With disbelief and gratitude
She accepted your entrance

But the dragon lay in slumber
His rumblings continued to shake that tower
Out of fear and duty
She couldn't leave with the knight

He groaned, he yelled
He cursed her feminine stupidity
The worst is over he thought
So why the hell won't she leave?

It's so simple, she pleaded
I thought you understood
Why did you come to my rescue
If you weren't going to follow the rules?

Blast your rules
Blast your honor, too
I've already done so much
I don't know why it's not enough

We're here in this tower
I've come all this way for you
Traveled far, journeyed hard
Let our ending be simple

His words of longing hit her
But she persisted in her petition
To be the knight for her
He had to slay that dragon

She pushed him out the door
Or maybe she ran to another room
Either way he was left alone
Questioning why he was abandoned

She said she loved me
But she argues that I haven't done enough
I've done so much for her
Does she expect the moon as well?

Lining up gifts of money
With displays of love
Forgetting what deeds are required
And those for fancy reward

He pondered
Not understanding
The effort to reach a woman's heart is hard
But once inside the barrier, easy

Her defenses resemble an egg
And his a solid rock in consistency
So he stood there
Wondering

She wished he would go and fight
Perhaps die trying
This was her hope
She waited, imploring

The knight either chased her down
Convinced her with his silver tongue
And guiding hands
To listen

To live a life in shame
Forever fearing
With a man who wouldn't understand
(He never dared to listen)

Or he gave up preemptively
Deeming the task and her
Not worth the effort
Failing to see the roadmap

Leaving her to wonder
Are my values too strict?
Did I not compromise effectively?
Will I forever be locked up in this tower?

She didn't want to live there long
The tower was supposed to be a land mark
Not a destination
On this terrible life journey

But more likely than not
Many a knight would come by
Each demanding and indignant at refusal
She would eventually break

But they would never get what they came for
The prize only a princess can offer
Because they were supposed to be the brave knight
Save the princess from her tall tower guarded

Instead they stole her away in the night
A thief robbing away chastity
Taking a physical prize
Never receiving the unerring gift

The love of a woman

Poetry: Divorced

They spoke of our fire
Intense flame of love
Eyes sparked
Bodies smoking
In desire

Well the friction has turned
The whole deal gone sour
The passion in innocence
Eroded away

How far away is love from hate?
Ultimate desire in need to utter loathing?
Listen from afar do they not sound the same?
Love and loathe masked in parallel.

Go too far East you'll find yourself West
But is not the opposite also the same?
Did we forget to keep the bounds
By focusing too much on vertical coordinates?

North and South
Distinct as day and night
But we spin round and round
Unaware of the poisonous passage of time

So here we are
Finding a sour core
In our sweet candy
Caught off guard
Enjoyment turnt to rage

Played with soft candles
No idea of the flames around the corner
We were consumed
It burnt the flesh away

Our appeal in our differences
Lit up in the night
Flashing in our eyes
Blinded our passion

Instant recoil

All that was sweet
Bitter
All that was treasured
Despised
Intimacy past used as daggers now

A hard wall
Hit unexpected

We used to quarrel like an old married couple
But now?
We're a spiteful and bitter pair
On attack

One day these feelings will fade
Reason will return
Everything always comes back to center
But not now

The rip is still flesh
The tear not yet healed
We were one flesh
We were torn back apart
Into two

Broken
Hurting
Alone

Forever seems like an awfully long time
I wonder if this version will actually last

Our (marriage) candle was snubbed of light
The hot wax is still evaporating
By products, really
It'll cool
But the candle will never look the same

We are
Schism

White Dog

I watched a movie recently about a white dog. In case you are unaware, a white dog is a dog that has been trained since infancy through abuse to hate and attack people of color. Sometimes these dogs are mislabeled as attack dogs. But they are not. Fueled by the hatred of their owners, they have been turned into murderous beings through mind manipulation.

These poor dogs cannot be cured. Taught to wise up in the presence of a gun? Sure. But to get rid of that hostility that has formed a part of their instinct? No. The only option is to put them down.

In the movie, a young woman encounters this dog and because it saved her life, she was unwilling to put it down and instead looked for someone crazy enough to try to un-train him. Fueled by hope and blinded by optimism, they saw progress where it wasn't being made which led to them unleashing this weapon, thinking it was discharged when their tampering had only made it worse. In the end, the dog was put down like it needed to be but it cost many of the characters wounds and covering up their involvement in the murder of a man by the white dog. It was a terrible mess, showing the damage that active racism can cause and how difficult it is to dispel.

Why am I writing about all of this? In part because I can't get that image of that dog covered in blood attacking people's jugulars. (It doesn't help that my own dog is so affectionate and it has created an unfounded two-second fear when she draws close.) In part because I have experienced first hand mulattoes accusing me of prejudice and micro-aggressions simply because of the lack of pigmentation that I was born with. I'm tired of listening to these sob stories of how offended I make people who don't know a thing about me or my history just by living the life that I do. (Watch 'Dear White People') I'm tired of hearing all of these swooping stereotypical statements made about me and people like me when watching that movie made my blood curl in a way that no horror movie has ever been able to. Because it's real. Because that kind of atrocity happens and could happen and I'm terrified of the day that I might meet someone with that level of loathing in their body-- hate so strong that they would literally create a monster out of a simple creature. I am not like that and I don't deserve nor desire to be grouped in with such pitiful people as those who experience xenophobia.

And it's been running. Rampant. First anti-semitism. Then, in the slave trade Irish and African alike. Koreans hating the Japanese while the average American can't spot the difference. Because all Asians look alike. Just like all black people look alike. All Native Americans look alike. All Europeans look alike. People look very similar to each other and the first distinguisher is pigment. Then hair, then clothes. After that, it's detail work. But that's not racism. That's not hate.

I don't care a lick about your prejudices and your opinions about whatever group catches your mind's fancy as long as you don't make it active. And the Holocaust was making it active. Breeding white dogs makes it active. Attacking Middle Eastern countries that we don't have a single justifiable reason to be in makes it active. I'm writing this as Britain just left the EU because they wanted more control over their borders, unaware of the consequences such an action would take. I'm sick and tired of hearing of people complain and shout racism when race wasn't even part of the question. We have some very real racist problems in this world but border security in Europe just isn't one.

Stop thinking in terms of what you can say or shout that makes you look like a victim and start focusing on how people are actively hated upon and hurt. Let's put down the white dogs. Even the ones that save our lives.

Poetry: I Want You to Sin

I told you a truth
You didn't wish to hear.
It was hard to say,
Swallowing my pride.

But

Your reaction was sour
Your rage was fierce.
Punishments to be enforced
Caused by my words.

So

In my sorrow
And in my grief
I sought comfort,
Hoping for relief.

Yet

When I reached others
To let them hear my words
The advice I received was,
"You shouldn't have said a word."

There is no honor here.

Poetry: Shaping Them

Balls of clay

Lumps of earth

Come, potter.

Show us your worth.

Poetry: The Doubtful

I trusted you
I told you too much
You take words in sorrow
Too literally

I know you see me with scorn
I'm below you
Less trustworthy
Misplaced my faith
A sinner damned

You're not perfect
You're flawed
In ways that take time to see
But you hide
Especially from me

But

There's a fog in the air
A mist
Swarming round
Distorting the eyes

Close them, I say
Trust me
I can lead us through
Because I see the way

Adamantly you refuse
"This is just another ruse
You'll lead me falsely
I won't give in
My eyes are as good as yours
I can find my own way through"

Your hot words of contempt
Burn
Smoke from your ears
Tears fall from my eyes
Sizzle
The murk gets thicker

Damn it, just listen!
Why can't you just trust me?
I know you don't want to
But damn your pride
At least I have a light

I know you view me low
But doesn't that just mean
That when we are seaside
Away from the mountains of home
That I'd be able to guide us better?
Why would I lead fallaciously?

Seriously, the resolution is so easy
The fix can happen so swiftly
But you're inflexible
Bucking with resistance
Don't you know
Horses have to be blindfolded
To get lead away from fire?

I know what I'm doing.
I don't break promises, and I promise you.
You can trust me, I will tell the truth.
Your skepticism is all on you.

Must I call you Thomas?
You put me to the test.
One I don't deserve
One I didn't earn
For hidden reasons
I can't understand.

When I've been true
My words lay open
The deeds match the words
So
What demons plague your mind?
Who smudges thine eyes?
(It seems so clear to me)

Full of hesitation
Motives closed
Refusing to budge

Think me a liar
Mishear the words
Full of your day's pain
Misread the tone
Of my words

I told you too much
Because you weren't ready to understand
Incapable of listening
Openly

(I trusted you
But you never trusted me
And now, lost in the haze
It's clear to see)

I can save myself
Abandon ship
Your emotional immaturity
Ties you to the mast
Screaming as I unknot the cords

Can I save us both?
In my effort will I lose my own chance?
It's a hot mess
All coming from insecurities
Building
Growing
Expanding
Flourishing

If I could just explain
If you could just listen
If we could just... talk

I could decide if I should leave you
Or fight
I could settle all these dilemmas
That need mutual approval

But I can't change your mind
I can't force your thinking
I can't make you want to
I can't act for two
When I'm just one

So, Thomas
Touch my flesh
Feel my pain
I'm willing to show you
If you wish to

Please
Hear my urgency
Respond in kind
A candle is useless
Without a flame

Wick and wax
Together as one
Light the way

No reservations
No fears
Push your doubts to the side
Be here
Be present
You can pick up your doubts later
If you wish or need to

I trusted you
A puppet for your will
Silent of the pain
The forced movements caused
Because I was glad in your delight

But somehow you heard of my pain
And yelled at my anguish
Deeming it a lie
Me? Liar
Stating you can never trust me
Because I gave too willingly

So here I am now
Both of us hurt
Recuperating
I reach out
"Let the hurt be gone"
You see malice, a game
A need for revenge
Drawn up by spite

I wonder, Thomas
What made you
Hate me so?
You really are

The Doubtful

Poetry: Jumbled Thoughts

My eyes feel like they've been crying for hours, swollen and red, aching. I haven't cried in days and I don't know why I feel so empty inside. So many things keep building up and I don't know how to handle them all at once. People keep telling to take things one step at a time, break it down into little projects. But they fail to see how intermingled it all is and how consumed I am by the number and weight of it all. No one prepared me for this. No one's trying to help, either. Just start working, keep moving, don't stop to think. This is how you live. There's no time to smell the roses. Contemplate in your head, don't let anyone down. Everyone has high expectations that you've never wanted and you have to meet them so just do it. Stress about it to yourself, in your head. Think you are a failure? Wrong, you are one. Fix that. Fix you. If you ever stop, you might not be able to start back up again. You can't let that happen. Let your refusal to be the blemish in their lives motivate you to be better. Do your job, excel, exceed expectations, work speedily, clean up your mess, never argue, think smart, be efficient, talk with confidence that you've never possessed. You're not good enough and never will be. Don't cry about it, prove your repentance with your deeds. Apologize with your actions. You have to be perfect and you keep messing up. Don't you know the price of failure? Live in stressful fear.

I don't know how to talk to you.
When in conversation, it's easy.
I love it.
I think hope you do too.
Everything is so clear then.
Our tones match when we hear each other.
But
There's this distance now.
And I don't know how to interpret it.
As an after thought, I can look back.
Well, duh. Obviously is was this, not that.
But in the moment?
What does your silence mean?
Why do you refuse to speak with me?
Am I really that terrible?
Have you been hearing poisonous words about me?
Do you listen?
I don't know your thought process.
Not when I can't see you.
Not when you won't express yourself to me.
Silence.
Demons creep by and whisper to me in the silence.
Fear grows, spreads.
There are 24 hours in a day; 10080 minutes in a week.
You used not one to say anything.
What could I mean to you if...
I'm not important enough to keep in the loop?
I know it's irrational.
You're probably just busy; just absent minded.
Maybe you thought that your one-worded text
Responding to the only non-important message
Was good enough.
It left all my questions empty.
But it showed that you read them.
I'm shocked, how do I interpret your (lack of) action?
I don't know how to talk to you.

I wake in the middle of the night.
Was it supposed to be on purpose today or not?
Deranged by tiredness, I stumble out of bed.
Splash some cold water on that face.
Wake up.
Get ready.
Put on your uniform, add a smile.
Don't you dare look tired.
You aren't paid to complain.
I feel like a wanderer preparing for the day.
The sun won't wake for hours.
It's a summer night; the cold night is almost warm.
I forgot what pitch black looks like.
Put your hair back, grab your lunch.
This is how all your coworkers see you.
I wonder if they'll ever see me as me.
Arriving early consists of a lot of waiting.
Arriving on time could be late.
Arriving late could mean trouble.
Don't want to risk it.
Being outside right now I wonder
Will I get used to this?
It's unclear what I think.
Focus.
You're too tired to go off
On another contemplative side road.
Hello, morning.

I have been standing here for hours, baking bread.
I've been relaxing the never-ending tension in my shoulders.
How?
I try to remember what it feels like for a snow flake
To fall upon my cheek
Surrounded by 400 degree heat
I remember what snowfall looks like so
Why is this part so hard?
Memory is a tricky thing.

I sit down, defeated. Nothing bad happened today and there's nothing immediate that I could point to for reference of this despondent moment. But now I'm sitting and it'll take me a good (half) hour before I'll find the strength to stand again. I feel like Eeyore. I wonder what it would be like to have blue skin. If I add some diamond tattoos, I'd look like Elphaba's lover. Do you think humans will invent a surgery to attach monkey tails to our tail bones to give them use once more? I wonder how obvious such a transitional seam would appear. Could it be permanent? Would there be motor control or would it just dangle there uselessly behind, like the cat costume tails you find around Halloween? If they join the gender movement, maybe these animalistic people will want their own bathroom. What would we even call it, though? (I'm probably alone because I'm so weird.) Where's the line between being self-deprecating and accepting the reality of your miserable self? I guess a lot of it is in appearances and tone; no matter intention. It's hard to state truth and be humble without looking either prideful or degrading. Life is about balance. When both ends are wrong, how do you balance? I often feel like I'm not wise enough for the life I live. Is that degrading? I don't know any more. I'll hate myself later if I'm not productive. Time to get up again, it was nice to stop and think. Not sure what such brooding accomplishes, though.

Today was a day of rest.
Not physically
Mentally
I still had things to do
But these were minor, menial
No thought is required to do them
In these moments I wish for the simple life
It seems so easily, so simple
Being a Stepford wife
And succeeding
Suddenly nothing matters
But finishing the task I set to do
Its completion?
Rewarding
In a way that I didn't ask for
That another could never give me
No matter how much praise.
I did this.
By myself.
In the simple,
I am healed
God loves me

In a game of tug and war,
There are two sides,
Four resulting options.
One. Side A pulls a win either by being stronger or a forfeit.
Two. Side B pulls a win either by being stronger or a forfeit.
Three. Sides A and B both forfeit.
Four. Neither side forfeits and yet their strengths cause a tie.
(I wanted a tie)
Two willing competitors,
Both up to the task?
Who wouldn't want that?
Both of you: Show up and give your all.
Let's play with war.
On your mark, get set...
Where did B go?
Was it a forfeit?
Absence.
Failure to show is failure to shine.
(It would have been better to lose
Get dragged into the mud hole)

I dream of death and darkness.
Demons taunting with their laughter.
Horrifying acts of hatred.
Makes my blood curl.
I wake, heart pounding.
Hating my lack of control.
I reach in the darkness, sobbing.
Please, let there be someone.
Nothing.
Like always, I am alone.
My body shakes, quivers.
Fear enshrouds like a veil.
Prayers said in desperation and truth.
(No darkness can snuff a candle)
Tears run, body goes cold.
Sleep banished from thought.
Longing for someone to hold me.
Whisper sweet nothings in reassurance.
Have a shoulder to wipe my tears on.
Like always, I am alone.
Was the room always this cold?
Were my thoughts always this morbid?
How do I control the terror inside?
The loneliness I feel isn't physical.
It's mental.
It's emotionally-tied.
It's spiritual.
It's unabridged; it's everything.
Waves of despair flow.
I don't know how to escape
This nightmare.

My hair falls across my face. If it wasn't shining in the sunlight, I probably wouldn't be able to see through it. The solidity of the locks seems to change with the light. Falling down, twisting together, curling as one. Yet there are different groups and the change from one to the other is clearly marked by unseen factors. Watch them twist in the opposite way, watch them curl out of form of other groups. Why do they do this? Are they wrong? Perhaps the opposition is necessary. Who am I to yell and complain with a lack of understanding? I can see what I see through.

Ahem. We need to talk.
The most dreaded phrase in all of America.
What must we discuss?
Marriage
Divorce
Cheating
My hair
Your side girlfriend
Breaking up
Going on a date
Changing some dumb plan
What? What? What?
We have an apparent lack of communication
A series of misunderstandings
Should I be alarmed or overjoyed?
Neutral or making plans
For this apparent dialogue?
I didn't know how little I knew you until
You said,
"We need to talk."

I didn't think you'd show up.
I hoped, desperately hoped that you would.
Of course I wanted it to work out!
But your track record hasn't been stellar.
I knew the likelihood would be small.
How do I trust you to do the right thing
Without getting my hopes up?
I want to believe in you
But I fear it'll break my heart.
Please, show up
End all of this grief with your deeds.
If you do, I'll forgive and forget every transgression.
If you don't, I'll have new pain and hurt to conquer.
This is my side.
What is yours?

What am I thinking about?
My mind's a bit of a muddle.
In the midst of all the confusion
I doubt you could find a filing cabinet
(Much less one organized)
You keep asking.
Persistent
Constant
Nagging
Uhm, uhm
Pick up a random paper
Read it slowly
Yeah, this sounds kind of not like a lie
So I'll say, "I was thinking about... this."

Poetry: Truth in Fiction

How much truth is in a story
When it concerns naught
But fantasy?

It's a way to vent
Expressing ideas
Artistic talent

The situations?
Do not apply
To individual life
To the people known

Yet

Reading those words
Hearing those thoughts

The emotion is very real
Such a strong reaction
Cannot be faked

(I read
My first reaction?
You lied of your past
Who are you really?
Is this a story?
Or truth?
Shocked
I have to recall
You aren't a liar)

What tragedy
Faces your young heart
To make a reader cry so?
What glory
Have you witnessed
To be full of such hope?

No, the situation is fiction
But how much truth lies
Behind those simple
Words?

I simply do not know.

Poetry: Petitions of Invitation

When I was just a girl
Young and small
Looking frail
Feeling 11 feet tall
The only things that mattered
Were what I could see

I'd ask my father
For some advice
A favor
A deed
And if I was precious enough
If I could smile just right
If I created a pleasant mood
He'd agree

Now I am older
Still young and small
Roughened at the edges
Knowing I'm not tall
The things that truly matter
Are still what I can see

Put away your childish ways
Stop dancing your childhood dance
Don't twirl like a girl
Don't dumb down your words
Don't look like a fool
For the attention of things

If I ask my daddy
For some advice
A favor
A deed
No longer do I make it so
In the way I plead

Raise the question
(As often as is right)
No nagging
No begging
No trying to get on his good side
Leaving the answer
Entirely in his hands

Rarely do I get as I wish
That is the fate I await
(For the material desires
Belong to the child
But the patience to receive them
To the man)

I ask him again tonight,
"Will you do what I request?"
I suspect the answer will remain the same
As it has for the last year
Still
He decides anew
The choice is still his

My task
Is naught but
Ask

(Perhaps he'll realize
It's not a question of curiosity)

Poetry: Halcyon Days

I look back
Because I'm sad
And I want to think of something good
It had to be better than this
The hurt now is so real
I couldn't possibility have been this low before
I had friends, then
Right?
Looking back it seemed so good
So serene it stands in mind

But I have proof of that time
My letters
My poems
My diary
Messages long forgotten
Remembered only when read again

It wasn't good

I hurt now
Emotionally
The scars of abandonment
Split open
They don't want to close as easily as before
Fears
I didn't know I had
Whip me in the face
(Oh goodness
My flippancy in youth
Paid for now)
Tears fall
The pain is real
It couldn't have been like this before!

Yet

When I was younger
I wrote about my contemplations
My desire for metal to pierce my skin
An inexplicable want to get fiercely raped
Desiring to die
I didn't know how to stand
So I wanted to fall
How I wished I could faint

Maybe it was worse then
But I can't remember that
All I have are my words
The memory of their sincerity
Haunting me

Now?
I am alone
Struggling by myself
Unable to reach out
Confused
Not knowing where to step out
To step forward
Terrified of losing
What little I have
Fed up with continuing
Not willing to start over

Then?
I struggled with identity
I was ashamed to be me
Self-conscious
Sarcastic? Loud?
All covers
Because I wasn't okay alone
Urged by doomsday
I spoke out fiercely
I hated the resistance that I met so often
So many changes
I wasn't mentally ready for
And no one knew how to prepare me
Lost in despair over a broken family
Confused about the hierarchy of my friends
Torn between called a prude
And falling into slut
Stretched between religious and too much so
Lost between loving romantic stories
And fearing the consequences of that desire
Finding myself or acting out?
I didn't know
Keeping my profile of being the perfect student
When I didn't know how to learn
Constantly having to prove to others
That I wasn't going to be a repeat
Of my brother
Because I was always put in his terrible shadow
Lost because everyone had phones to communicate
Except for me
And so I was often left out; forgotten
Swarmed with school work
That for the first time
I didn't immediately understand
Weekend obligations
Relying on parents for transport, money, anything
Wanting desperately to find my happy conclusion
When I knew I was still in the prelude
Ignoring logic or feeling -- never both
I was an idealist
I was a bridge
I was a child

I was spinning chaos and I was very lost

These were my halcyon days
Most nights ended in tears and frustration
The question:
Was it over school work or romance drama?
Didn't matter, didn't sleep
Didn't eat
Too proud to see my limitations enough to stop
Lunches were stressful
I had to choose sides
Every day
Habits developed
People were left behind
Misery plagued me
I wrote about it often
I drew images of blood
Illusions of grandeur?
Reassurance to keep myself from breaking down?
God only knows
I didn't
I don't
Friends of convenience
Didn't want to stick around
But I did
(I have yet to learn how to leave)
Stuck living school
Only living for homework
Social activities swarmed
But I had little access
Always the bridge between people
Never a part of the group
How I longed for connection
How I needed to love deeply
Not knowing how
Falling into wrong habits
On purpose
Just to feel alive
Not knowing why I felt so empty
Drained
I wasn't suicidal
I wasn't depressed
Simply overwhelmed
Lost and confused
Not knowing how to seek the help I desired

That time is what I treasure
Which contains my fondest memories
Reminiscence tainting the past
Corrupting the reality
When change came
I said, "Goodbye, halcyon days"
When really it was, "Hello, change"
But I didn't know how to greet it
So I hid
And in hiding I found myself lonely
Fearing that I'll be here forever
Forgetting that I put myself here
Forgetting why I ran away
But the words don't change
The past locks in
I want to stay true to how I felt
It's so easy to lie to yourself
Time erases the potency

I look back
With rose-colored glasses
The truth hurts too much
I need a time to turn to
In my misery
Pretend it was perfect
Not for forever
But for now
Get through this
Things weren't always this bad
I have to believe that
To believe that it can get better

When the good of now
Corrupts
Molds
Sours
When it hurts to think about
When I can't think about the good
Without thinking about its present situation
And that makes me cry
And I can't handle it
And the reality is too much
I can't fabricate a future
So I lie about the past
It was my idyllic time, I say
I make myself believe
It becomes truth in my head
I make myself forget
When I look back
I see what I want to see
A beautiful past
A beautiful history
These thoughts comfort me
I fall asleep
Dream
Of those blissful days

Another day I'll read my notes
I'll see what I said
Remember with sincerity
Stains
Rust
Blood
Covered that story
But I don't want to remember

I wish for perfection
I desire an ideal
I yearn to live a paragon

Now sucks
Therefore, then?
It had to be
Halcyon

Poetry: Clear

A new house is full of dust
The time it laid in wait
Had an effect

The windows are covered
In tarp
Some shade of blue
Unveiling their glass
Reveals a fingerprint or two

Get out your mops
Grab all the brooms
Turn on the vacuum
Use those feather-dusters
Make sure your rags are moist
Open all the windows
Turn on all the fans

Time and effort
Cleansing the structure
Realizing what is contained
Starting off strong

Moving in is quite hectic
A long time later
Everything settles in
The price of moving?
Cleaning once again

As time goes forth,
Little tasks keep dust away
Staying busy now
Keeps trouble for another day

Look out the window
Remember when it first was revealed?
Dusty and dull
Nothing special or shiny
Recall the sites it has shown you
The memories that have passed away
Varying shades of filth
Hiding truth away

Now here I stand
With rags and a mop
Touching the glass once again
A small, simple task
Menial and short
Changes the reality so much
Look through
Why go to all of this effort for an immaculate house?
It suddenly all makes sense
It suddenly is clear

Poetry: The Truth of Love

It's been so long since I've seen you
All I want is your embrace
To catch up, to laugh
I want to share our stories
Make memories together
Enjoy the time we have
But
Somehow
For a reason I can't understand
I'm yelling at you
You're frustrated with me
Our time together is soiled with rage
And we're being miserable
They say misery breeds company
But really
It's the opposite
And I don't want this
And you don't need this
But I don't know how to stop
My thoughts, my words
Hurt me
Hurt you
I just want simplicity
Unfortunately it's more complicated than that
For this and that
I'm sorry
I guess I'm bad at showing love

Poetry: Indecipherable

When you first meet me
Your words confuse me
And in a delight
I respond

The response remains the same
No matter the times it frequents
But you fail to understand
The reason

I want you to understand
But the answer
Is not something
To be said

In my silence
Your anger festers
(Impatience breeds
Its own reward)

I am a woman
This is something you know
You've read the books
You've heard the stories

Why can't you appreciate
I want to be a mystery unveiled?
Demanding, I lash out
Half truths and lies

These are things you accept
(The quick answer
Is usually wrong)
It soothes your rage

So now I'm stuck
Having to pretend it's true
('Cause you'll fulminate again
If I told you the truth)

I am a simple person
But some things
Are hard to say
And need time to ripen

Impatience plucks these fruit
Off their branches green
Tasting sour
When you bite them

I am a sweet fruit
Much treasured
Very dear
(But handle with care)

I talk in my own time
I say as I can
Never saying everything
Even if I wish to

That is the essence
This is how I want you to learn
Experience me piece-by-piece
Know me at the end

But you want a map
An instructional guide
"Hey peach, tell me how you work
And it better apply to pears too"

I can't do that
I'm sorry but it is not possible
I clam up
I freak out

You need a guide?
Then I'll change the road
For if you can't follow my way
Then you can't reach my destination

I talk in riddles
Then tell you what they mean
You are amazed at the puzzles
And love your hatred of them

Sometimes I stop
Sometimes I'm me
Blinded by the game
You just can't see

And you think I'm lying
When it's the truth I reveal
So wearily the mask goes on
And we continue for your zeal

You sometimes complain
Wishing I were more simple
But you don't understand
The complexity is for you

Like a rose picked
Before it had a chance to bloom
You yell at me for not being open
But deny me the soil and the sun

Prying hands
Brute force
Harsh words
Tearing at me

Yes, this way you can too
Find my center
But you'll miss the point
You lose the mystery to be unveiled

Don't pry at me
Don't pester me
Don't yell for an immediate response
Don't grumble at how I work

And after all this?
When you've beaten me to a pulp
When you've whipped the personality away
When you forced a fake reality

You complain about the rules
Of the game you needed
To understand
How to relate to women

I am not women
I am just one
I work my way
As does anyone

I speak lots
And I can ramble for days
But if I'm not ready
No truth will I say

And I try to tell you this
But you aren't ready to learn
Begging for answers
You aren't ready to unearth

So I made up a manner
To please your frustration
Making rules as I went
And you lived by them

You think I'm hard to read?
No, you just need to listen
Give up your way
And patiently give in

All you want to know
Can be revealed in time
Follow the procedure
Trust that I speak the truth

Your thirst for control
Your desire for order
Your need for hierarchy
Your lust for submission

Build up a wall
That neither one of us
Wants there
Blocking the path (listen!)

But the demand doesn't stop
The yelling continues
The blame game rages forth
You make me into an enigma

I'll be your riddler
If you need answers your way
I'll give you a code
That I write quite frankly

I'll work by these new rules
And it does please you
So I am glad
The hatred of me dwindles

But if you can remember
How I acted when we met
It is no longer the same
I am now bound by your edict

Like an electron
Your search to know me
Changed me
And stole away my candor

Listen sometime
When I am with other people
For they haven't caged me
My speech is more wonderful

The rules you live by
For interacting with me
Apply to only you
Why can you see?

I am not hard to learn
I am not difficult to understand
But to trust with the truth
I need time and love as guarantee

Want an answer from me?
Give me time to explain
Not an hour, not a week
Don't measure it for me

Show me you care
Not about the answer
(It matters not)
But about me

Don't tell me
Don't get frustrated
Don't complain
Actions speak louder than words

Your actions are few
Your words are trying
Why would I tell you now?
How could I reach you?

Raise the question
Maybe one reminder
Drop it
I'll tell you when I'm ready

Show interest in what I say
Put the technology away
Don't look at your watch
Be present

You want an answer to a hard question?
Raise it
Engage in light conversation
And be interested!

Appear to forget your inquiry
Let me enjoy our talk
After I have relaxed
After you gave me some time

I'll answer without prompt
So why do you demand from me?
I like being upfront
I value honesty and truth

So let me be so
But to do so
I need to follow
My way

I am not cunning
I am not one to riddle
I speak as I feel
(Sometimes that's metaphorically)

I can be blunt
I can be harsh
I can be kind
I can be honest

But I need to get there
On my own
And your pushing?
Is nagging

When I'm badgered
I shut up
I close shop
Because you don't care

Not about the issue, no
You certainly care about that
But the price of the answer?
My personhood?

You show that the answer
Is vastly more important
Than the problem
Than the steps to solve it

So might as well
Tell you no lies
But not the complete truth
Scrambled in code

Because you care more about
The answer
Than what the question truly is
Or the method to understanding

You're welcome
This game was made for you
Because of you
Do you enjoy it?

At least you can get answers this way
But no matter what I say or do
I have found no way
To get answers from you

You want my thoughts? Done
You want my schedule? Done
You want my feelings? Done
You want my company? Done

Since you won't play my way
You'll have to do some decrypting
But, hey
At least you learned... something

But when it comes to you
And understanding your thoughts
And knowing your feelings
And being present in your life

I can only say that you're
Indecipherable

Poetry: Just Say

A decision needs to be made
But many factors are still in the air
What you can provide
Just isn't quite as clear

We ain't decided yet
If we want you around
But you can't tell them right yet
Till you know if our decision is sound

Get going
Answer
Be clear
Be concise

Don't look back
Hold your head high
Know where you at
'Cause you can't see the sky

Make up your mind
Why can't you decide?
Just because we're figuring it out
Don't mean we'll let ya slide

There are choices in this air
And we want to know where you stand
You don't get a full deck
Heck, you'll lucky to have a poker hand

Be assured
Be confident
Show us
Your worth

You don't know your answer?
Just say yes.
Once the air clears,
You can sort out the mess.

Poetry: The problem with waiting is

I've never had sugar

Not a lick

Not a spoonful

No candy

No cookies

No cake

I want to savor my first bite

I want to leave the full experience

So that it's pure

And its sweetness I could never forget

I believe that its goodness belongs to dessert only

And I haven't gotten past lunch

Don't tell me about your sweet cereal

Don't brag about your candied snacks

Don't speak to me about saccharine meals

I don't want to know the "benefits" of Halloween

I don't want to know what your favorite treats are

I don't want to know how frequent you feast upon sweetener

I have decided to follow this rule

So don't

Don't tempt me by making food I will not consume

Don't leave small candies behind in my room

Don't describe for me the joys it causes

Don't tell me that it won't spoil my meal plan

Don't tell me that I can have dessert before dinner

Don't tell me your personal lines of distinction

Don't make fresh cookies while I am near

In fact, I don't even want to see it

Hide your sugar, hide it all

You say I'm crazy

My lines are too strict

It's possible

But I won't take that chance

I say I'm waiting

Waiting for it all

~*~*~*~

You offer a small confectionary

Just smell it, you ask

I can imagine placing it inside my mouth

What harm could a little bonbon cause?

I falter and so you leave it in my care

Make the decision yourself you say

You leave

In your absence
I consult those I trust

On this matter of sucrose

They grew gluttonous in their youth

From their experience they tell me

The dangers of sweet voracity

I almost broke

I cannot believe it

I have let this dreaded delight

Too close

~*~*~*~

I taste a small piece

It's intoxicating

It's what I hoped for

More than I envisioned

My head reels

I need more

I close my eyes

Relish the goodness

I open my eyes

The shame of my glut lies before me

But I'm now addicted

I knew I'd love it

This is why I had those boundaries

Thank goodness it is now past dinner

Let the feast begin

~*~*~*~

It turns out that all of my years

Of abstinence

Built an intolerance

For my justified vice

It turns out that my patience

Is limited

And I demand what I crave

Now that I know that my craving

Can be satisfied

It turns out that what I desire
Is not always easily offered

(In frustration do I take it

Or grow angry and resentful?)

It is dessert time

I demand to receive

It's what I waited for

It's why I ate my dinner

~*~*~*~

I guess the problem with waiting is

I wasn't really waiting at all

Just living in restriction

Closed in under tight boundary

Forcing distance to enforce security

I didn't learn how to be secure

All my hopes and dreams

Got tied into this

I had unrealistic expectations

Instead of channeling

My wait into patience

I stored it all

For this future moment

And it didn't pan out

Like I wanted

It didn't last

Like I imagined

Too many hidden variables

Too many changing factors

Too many unforeseen difficulties

And certainly

Too little patience

(Because it's finally birthday

And I need to open all the presents now

I thought I could laugh at all

The early openers,

They who celebrate on the wrong date,

Those who open one present a night early

Because I waited

And my reveal was supposed to be

Glorious

But the boxes contained PJs and socks

And more and more unfascinating things

And rules appeared

About when and how

The presents could and should be unfastened)

This isn't what I pictured

This isn't what I wanted

I thought I was being patient

It turns out

It was just a guise

For my greed

~*~*~*~

Do I understand now

What I didn't then?

When you said,

"You can have dinner without dessert."

In my urgency to consume

The prize of the meal

Did I forget the importance

Of a strong fundamental base?

In my greed to finally satisfy

The hunger of my flesh

Did I forget the reason

Such a gift is even offered?

Did I forget that it was a gift?

In my desire to achieve this end

Did I ignore the truth of the matter?

The possibility it might not even be offered?

(I wonder how true I would have stayed

If I found out that my end prize

That I have placed everything onto

Would not have been made available)

The problem with waiting is...

I hadn't learned patience nor love.

And I am all the worse for it.

Poetry: Hourglass

I have a list of things to do
And only so much time
To complete them
I think I can do
Them all if I
Perform
Well
So
I
Try
Very hard
To complete them
But as time rushes by
(That is as time is keen to do)
I realize that I seem to do accomplish
Less and less of each of them
In an attempt to reach
The end of the line
I fail to draw
Closer
My
Efforts
Seem so true
Yet you cannot reap
From their crops in harvest time
I guess I forgot where to plant the seeds
And thus put them where ever the wind blew them

Poetry: Shallow

I have no hard feelings towards you.
What do hard feelings consist of?
Hate? Love? Passion?
What is a soft feeling but mutual indifference
Or a nothing more than a pleasant feeling
To a bystander that has made no effect?

To one who lives by the rules of black-and-white:
Are the only two possibilities
To live life fully, deeply, hard
or
To live life barely, superficially, soft
And if so, then
By this logic of yours, then
Do you not admit to the second when
No hard feelings are felt?

No.
This cannot be so.
Let me show you.
Through my riddles
Will my point be made clear.

A cup can only hold the amount of water that it was designed to hold.
-No more
Asking for a chalice to contain more than what it can carry?
-Pure madness

You're not hard-hearted
You're not being mean
-You're not

There is only so much depth
When the boundaries are established
-Shallow

If I was a well
You sought to capture my water
Go for it
But don't get mad
For you use a tablespoon
When I know how much better
A bucket is for the task

So meticulous
So painstakingly slow
Must every drop be examined
Or understood
Or felt?
(A spoon is all you had
Bravo, you took on the task)

When I met you,
You were a small clay cup
Barely could hold 6oz
And you boasted of your great capabilities
For you were made of clay
I wet you
Put you back on the table
Worked on your soft earth
Formed you with more

You were hardened
It took a lot of persuasion
Melting you down to your basics
Just to increase your being

Why not get a larger cup?
Why not find one yet made?
Where is the fun in that?

In work
In labor
In tears
In long hours
In physical exhaustion
I wore you down
I built you up

I wasn't perfect
Not everything I did went well
Some pieces of hard rock never softened
These places you couldn't let go

Now you are a larger cup
You can hold 20oz
So much progress was made
But my work was not done
I spent too long in the shop
I forgot the passage of time
The sun rose up onto you
I watched in horror
You solidified

(And this time
It wouldn't be as 'easy'
To mold you back)

A crack ran through the top
The glorious rim
That I spent hours
Weeping into form
It fell off
10oz
My efforts
Seem in vain
Progress made?
Yes

But

Look at you now
As the sun's beams
End your tutorial
Every addition I made
Runs a lighter color
One day it'll all fall off
And you'll be as you were before

I had high hopes for this cup of clay
Only to realize that
It was shallow made
And I could not force the difference.

It is not your fault.

Poetry: I am a tree

I am a tree
My leaves and branches
Spread
Cover the world

My roots dig deep
Thorough
Down in the moist earth
Drawing life source
Where the worms lie in sleep

My leaves laugh in the wind
Die in the cold
Mature with the spring
Cry in pain in the heat

Munched on
Stepped on
Pulled out
My leaves know pain
But they still shine brightly
Their green never fades
Drawing from my life source
They see the beauty in the day

I am a tree
Time has made me quite old
No longer a small sprout
Struggling to fight competitors
I am well worn

Look at my scars
See the many battles I've won
The beaver that tried to eat me
The porcupine that tried to choke me
The man that stabbed me
As a way to show love to his fling
The bugs that nestled nests into me
The birds that made me their home

I know what pain is
And I don't care

The beauty of living is wonderful
It fills me up with contentment and joy

The children are happy
They swing on my branches
The birds sing
They nestle in the comfort
The flowers shout with joy
I block them from the harsh beams
The pain that I've endured
Has only caused others happiness

I am old
I know many things
To learn more
One must cast away regret
Pains of the past
Live here now
The sun is shining
The wind is blowing
Is this not a beautiful day?
Accept it as it comes

I am at peace

Poetry: Soccer

There's two teams
We're pace-to-pace
Running is our style
Both trying to win this race

There we are
Look at us go
Running this tract
Like a river flow

But then I stumble
No, you tripped me
Falling forward
Now I have a skinned knee

Stop
Game's off the clock
We're all gathered near
Gonna get problems under lock

My coach is back at the bench
All my team mates returned for some gatorade
But you and your team
You swarm me asking about lending some aid

Yeah, there are tears in my eyes
It kind of hurt
A short betrayal that lead me
Sliding into all that dirt

But whatever, man
Let me brush it off
I don't need all this fondling
And don't act like I boff

You ask me
To talk all about it
You poke at me
Hoping to grasp by touching whit

Well, whatever man
I never asked for you to understand
All this constant poking and pricking
Whoever said that I wanted to be scanned?

I tell you I just need time to heal
It's not that big a deal
I don't want to talk about how I feel
Stop trying to get me to squeal

You say you know what's best for me
As you examine the damage
By touching the tender
And clumsily adding bandage

Well that little scrape that started this mess
Is now twice as large
Bleeding everywhere, spreading infection
I want you to discharge

Oh, and now you're getting mad at me
For not accepting your kindness
Yelling 'bout the blood on your jerseys
Like it's my fault and you're blameless

So I yell at my team
I feel like a little recruitment
On my side for my story
Can only add some betterment

You act like it's a betrayal
For me to seek other advice
To find someone to stop ranting
I guess this is the price

But I need a medic
Not someone rubbing salt in
I need time to heal
And patience is wearing thin

My coach is too far away
To hear the complaints of mine
Falling into the wind
I guess I don't have much dyne

But the wind blew my words
Back into your faces
Making you hear distortion
Well, isn't that just aces?

This hurt you caused me
Just to end the game
Started this madness
You think my annoyance is from the same

I'm not upset that I fell into the mud
Seriously, I know how to brush myself off
It's the micro-managing when it's not your deal
That makes me want to quaff

Hit me, fine
That's how the game is played
Acting like you care, getting in my affairs
For that crap I don't get paid

And now you're upset
'Cause you're covered in blood
You see both sides are hurt
But I started the flood

I'm fed up
Of being in this court
The longer I'm here
Increases the issues to sort

Should I forfeit?
'Cause I feel like I lost
You make me feel criminal
I didn't know this was the cost

You wanted an end
Well my team is calling me out
All of your players
Want the same, I've no doubt

I've spoken with your coach
Of that I can guarantee
Bossing people around
Y'all know that she's Queen Bee

But I'm not on your team
Of that I am sure
Making me follow your strategies?
That wouldn't be pure

I try to mention
Because you seem of the reasonable sort
Of the double standards
But you only snort

Blinded
By your own team's defense
I guess you can't see
Their destructive offense

That little scrap that started this mess
Has grown like a monster
The only solution I see?
Self-sacrifice on a virgin's alter

Peace