Poetry: Halcyon Days

I look back
Because I'm sad
And I want to think of something good
It had to be better than this
The hurt now is so real
I couldn't possibility have been this low before
I had friends, then
Right?
Looking back it seemed so good
So serene it stands in mind

But I have proof of that time
My letters
My poems
My diary
Messages long forgotten
Remembered only when read again

It wasn't good

I hurt now
Emotionally
The scars of abandonment
Split open
They don't want to close as easily as before
Fears
I didn't know I had
Whip me in the face
(Oh goodness
My flippancy in youth
Paid for now)
Tears fall
The pain is real
It couldn't have been like this before!

Yet

When I was younger
I wrote about my contemplations
My desire for metal to pierce my skin
An inexplicable want to get fiercely raped
Desiring to die
I didn't know how to stand
So I wanted to fall
How I wished I could faint

Maybe it was worse then
But I can't remember that
All I have are my words
The memory of their sincerity
Haunting me

Now?
I am alone
Struggling by myself
Unable to reach out
Confused
Not knowing where to step out
To step forward
Terrified of losing
What little I have
Fed up with continuing
Not willing to start over

Then?
I struggled with identity
I was ashamed to be me
Self-conscious
Sarcastic? Loud?
All covers
Because I wasn't okay alone
Urged by doomsday
I spoke out fiercely
I hated the resistance that I met so often
So many changes
I wasn't mentally ready for
And no one knew how to prepare me
Lost in despair over a broken family
Confused about the hierarchy of my friends
Torn between called a prude
And falling into slut
Stretched between religious and too much so
Lost between loving romantic stories
And fearing the consequences of that desire
Finding myself or acting out?
I didn't know
Keeping my profile of being the perfect student
When I didn't know how to learn
Constantly having to prove to others
That I wasn't going to be a repeat
Of my brother
Because I was always put in his terrible shadow
Lost because everyone had phones to communicate
Except for me
And so I was often left out; forgotten
Swarmed with school work
That for the first time
I didn't immediately understand
Weekend obligations
Relying on parents for transport, money, anything
Wanting desperately to find my happy conclusion
When I knew I was still in the prelude
Ignoring logic or feeling -- never both
I was an idealist
I was a bridge
I was a child

I was spinning chaos and I was very lost

These were my halcyon days
Most nights ended in tears and frustration
The question:
Was it over school work or romance drama?
Didn't matter, didn't sleep
Didn't eat
Too proud to see my limitations enough to stop
Lunches were stressful
I had to choose sides
Every day
Habits developed
People were left behind
Misery plagued me
I wrote about it often
I drew images of blood
Illusions of grandeur?
Reassurance to keep myself from breaking down?
God only knows
I didn't
I don't
Friends of convenience
Didn't want to stick around
But I did
(I have yet to learn how to leave)
Stuck living school
Only living for homework
Social activities swarmed
But I had little access
Always the bridge between people
Never a part of the group
How I longed for connection
How I needed to love deeply
Not knowing how
Falling into wrong habits
On purpose
Just to feel alive
Not knowing why I felt so empty
Drained
I wasn't suicidal
I wasn't depressed
Simply overwhelmed
Lost and confused
Not knowing how to seek the help I desired

That time is what I treasure
Which contains my fondest memories
Reminiscence tainting the past
Corrupting the reality
When change came
I said, "Goodbye, halcyon days"
When really it was, "Hello, change"
But I didn't know how to greet it
So I hid
And in hiding I found myself lonely
Fearing that I'll be here forever
Forgetting that I put myself here
Forgetting why I ran away
But the words don't change
The past locks in
I want to stay true to how I felt
It's so easy to lie to yourself
Time erases the potency

I look back
With rose-colored glasses
The truth hurts too much
I need a time to turn to
In my misery
Pretend it was perfect
Not for forever
But for now
Get through this
Things weren't always this bad
I have to believe that
To believe that it can get better

When the good of now
Corrupts
Molds
Sours
When it hurts to think about
When I can't think about the good
Without thinking about its present situation
And that makes me cry
And I can't handle it
And the reality is too much
I can't fabricate a future
So I lie about the past
It was my idyllic time, I say
I make myself believe
It becomes truth in my head
I make myself forget
When I look back
I see what I want to see
A beautiful past
A beautiful history
These thoughts comfort me
I fall asleep
Dream
Of those blissful days

Another day I'll read my notes
I'll see what I said
Remember with sincerity
Stains
Rust
Blood
Covered that story
But I don't want to remember

I wish for perfection
I desire an ideal
I yearn to live a paragon

Now sucks
Therefore, then?
It had to be
Halcyon