Poetry: Jumbled Thoughts

My eyes feel like they've been crying for hours, swollen and red, aching. I haven't cried in days and I don't know why I feel so empty inside. So many things keep building up and I don't know how to handle them all at once. People keep telling to take things one step at a time, break it down into little projects. But they fail to see how intermingled it all is and how consumed I am by the number and weight of it all. No one prepared me for this. No one's trying to help, either. Just start working, keep moving, don't stop to think. This is how you live. There's no time to smell the roses. Contemplate in your head, don't let anyone down. Everyone has high expectations that you've never wanted and you have to meet them so just do it. Stress about it to yourself, in your head. Think you are a failure? Wrong, you are one. Fix that. Fix you. If you ever stop, you might not be able to start back up again. You can't let that happen. Let your refusal to be the blemish in their lives motivate you to be better. Do your job, excel, exceed expectations, work speedily, clean up your mess, never argue, think smart, be efficient, talk with confidence that you've never possessed. You're not good enough and never will be. Don't cry about it, prove your repentance with your deeds. Apologize with your actions. You have to be perfect and you keep messing up. Don't you know the price of failure? Live in stressful fear.

I don't know how to talk to you.
When in conversation, it's easy.
I love it.
I think hope you do too.
Everything is so clear then.
Our tones match when we hear each other.
But
There's this distance now.
And I don't know how to interpret it.
As an after thought, I can look back.
Well, duh. Obviously is was this, not that.
But in the moment?
What does your silence mean?
Why do you refuse to speak with me?
Am I really that terrible?
Have you been hearing poisonous words about me?
Do you listen?
I don't know your thought process.
Not when I can't see you.
Not when you won't express yourself to me.
Silence.
Demons creep by and whisper to me in the silence.
Fear grows, spreads.
There are 24 hours in a day; 10080 minutes in a week.
You used not one to say anything.
What could I mean to you if...
I'm not important enough to keep in the loop?
I know it's irrational.
You're probably just busy; just absent minded.
Maybe you thought that your one-worded text
Responding to the only non-important message
Was good enough.
It left all my questions empty.
But it showed that you read them.
I'm shocked, how do I interpret your (lack of) action?
I don't know how to talk to you.

I wake in the middle of the night.
Was it supposed to be on purpose today or not?
Deranged by tiredness, I stumble out of bed.
Splash some cold water on that face.
Wake up.
Get ready.
Put on your uniform, add a smile.
Don't you dare look tired.
You aren't paid to complain.
I feel like a wanderer preparing for the day.
The sun won't wake for hours.
It's a summer night; the cold night is almost warm.
I forgot what pitch black looks like.
Put your hair back, grab your lunch.
This is how all your coworkers see you.
I wonder if they'll ever see me as me.
Arriving early consists of a lot of waiting.
Arriving on time could be late.
Arriving late could mean trouble.
Don't want to risk it.
Being outside right now I wonder
Will I get used to this?
It's unclear what I think.
Focus.
You're too tired to go off
On another contemplative side road.
Hello, morning.

I have been standing here for hours, baking bread.
I've been relaxing the never-ending tension in my shoulders.
How?
I try to remember what it feels like for a snow flake
To fall upon my cheek
Surrounded by 400 degree heat
I remember what snowfall looks like so
Why is this part so hard?
Memory is a tricky thing.

I sit down, defeated. Nothing bad happened today and there's nothing immediate that I could point to for reference of this despondent moment. But now I'm sitting and it'll take me a good (half) hour before I'll find the strength to stand again. I feel like Eeyore. I wonder what it would be like to have blue skin. If I add some diamond tattoos, I'd look like Elphaba's lover. Do you think humans will invent a surgery to attach monkey tails to our tail bones to give them use once more? I wonder how obvious such a transitional seam would appear. Could it be permanent? Would there be motor control or would it just dangle there uselessly behind, like the cat costume tails you find around Halloween? If they join the gender movement, maybe these animalistic people will want their own bathroom. What would we even call it, though? (I'm probably alone because I'm so weird.) Where's the line between being self-deprecating and accepting the reality of your miserable self? I guess a lot of it is in appearances and tone; no matter intention. It's hard to state truth and be humble without looking either prideful or degrading. Life is about balance. When both ends are wrong, how do you balance? I often feel like I'm not wise enough for the life I live. Is that degrading? I don't know any more. I'll hate myself later if I'm not productive. Time to get up again, it was nice to stop and think. Not sure what such brooding accomplishes, though.

Today was a day of rest.
Not physically
Mentally
I still had things to do
But these were minor, menial
No thought is required to do them
In these moments I wish for the simple life
It seems so easily, so simple
Being a Stepford wife
And succeeding
Suddenly nothing matters
But finishing the task I set to do
Its completion?
Rewarding
In a way that I didn't ask for
That another could never give me
No matter how much praise.
I did this.
By myself.
In the simple,
I am healed
God loves me

In a game of tug and war,
There are two sides,
Four resulting options.
One. Side A pulls a win either by being stronger or a forfeit.
Two. Side B pulls a win either by being stronger or a forfeit.
Three. Sides A and B both forfeit.
Four. Neither side forfeits and yet their strengths cause a tie.
(I wanted a tie)
Two willing competitors,
Both up to the task?
Who wouldn't want that?
Both of you: Show up and give your all.
Let's play with war.
On your mark, get set...
Where did B go?
Was it a forfeit?
Absence.
Failure to show is failure to shine.
(It would have been better to lose
Get dragged into the mud hole)

I dream of death and darkness.
Demons taunting with their laughter.
Horrifying acts of hatred.
Makes my blood curl.
I wake, heart pounding.
Hating my lack of control.
I reach in the darkness, sobbing.
Please, let there be someone.
Nothing.
Like always, I am alone.
My body shakes, quivers.
Fear enshrouds like a veil.
Prayers said in desperation and truth.
(No darkness can snuff a candle)
Tears run, body goes cold.
Sleep banished from thought.
Longing for someone to hold me.
Whisper sweet nothings in reassurance.
Have a shoulder to wipe my tears on.
Like always, I am alone.
Was the room always this cold?
Were my thoughts always this morbid?
How do I control the terror inside?
The loneliness I feel isn't physical.
It's mental.
It's emotionally-tied.
It's spiritual.
It's unabridged; it's everything.
Waves of despair flow.
I don't know how to escape
This nightmare.

My hair falls across my face. If it wasn't shining in the sunlight, I probably wouldn't be able to see through it. The solidity of the locks seems to change with the light. Falling down, twisting together, curling as one. Yet there are different groups and the change from one to the other is clearly marked by unseen factors. Watch them twist in the opposite way, watch them curl out of form of other groups. Why do they do this? Are they wrong? Perhaps the opposition is necessary. Who am I to yell and complain with a lack of understanding? I can see what I see through.

Ahem. We need to talk.
The most dreaded phrase in all of America.
What must we discuss?
Marriage
Divorce
Cheating
My hair
Your side girlfriend
Breaking up
Going on a date
Changing some dumb plan
What? What? What?
We have an apparent lack of communication
A series of misunderstandings
Should I be alarmed or overjoyed?
Neutral or making plans
For this apparent dialogue?
I didn't know how little I knew you until
You said,
"We need to talk."

I didn't think you'd show up.
I hoped, desperately hoped that you would.
Of course I wanted it to work out!
But your track record hasn't been stellar.
I knew the likelihood would be small.
How do I trust you to do the right thing
Without getting my hopes up?
I want to believe in you
But I fear it'll break my heart.
Please, show up
End all of this grief with your deeds.
If you do, I'll forgive and forget every transgression.
If you don't, I'll have new pain and hurt to conquer.
This is my side.
What is yours?

What am I thinking about?
My mind's a bit of a muddle.
In the midst of all the confusion
I doubt you could find a filing cabinet
(Much less one organized)
You keep asking.
Persistent
Constant
Nagging
Uhm, uhm
Pick up a random paper
Read it slowly
Yeah, this sounds kind of not like a lie
So I'll say, "I was thinking about... this."