Poetry: I Lose

No matter what I choose
I lose.

(It's not really a decision)
Would you rather lose your left or your right eye?
Does it matter?
Either way
You'll be half blind
You'll be disfigured
I lose.

Stop trying to make it out to be
A choice
A decision
An option
Is it really?
I lose.

So
I forfeit
I give up
I concede
Here's my white flag
I lose.

Happy?

I let myself die a little each day
I ignore it till I'm alone
Then the tears of pain come
And it really hurts

But I do it for you

You need your lines in the sand?
Fine.
But I'm the sand
Your lines tear me apart
I'm splintered
I'm shattered
I'm broken
I lose.

How do I tell you?
What could I tell you?
You wanted your boundaries.
It's not possible for me to change your mind.
I lose.

You ask me to deny my very existence
To make me
Constantly
Without end
Feel like a failure
And a monster
Someone who is not even human
I lose.

Fine.
You think my being is flirting?
Whatever.
If being myself is too much
And you can't handle it
Fine.
I lose.

I'll do it.
You won't see me complain.
It'll be hard
It'll hurt
Failure to do what you want
That disappointment?
Almost as bad as the deprivation.
(If not worse)
I lose.

But

Then you go
Flirting
Every day
All day
And it frustrates me
And it makes me want to
SCREAM
How is this fair?
When I live in this
POVERTY
For your expense
And you
Cast around affection
Like a rich man
Throwing dollars at the poor
Is this a joke to you?
I'm not a circus act.
I lose.

You make me feel cheap.

Do you not understand this?

You make me feel powerless.

And yet you say that you hate bossing me around?

Are you for real?

You make me feel undesirable.

And yet you say that I need to have higher self esteem?

You make me feel like I have no control.

And yet you ask me for my opinion? My feelings?

Forcing a reality that I loathe upon my being
Tearing up my humanity
When killing me would be a mercy
You ask me for my thoughts?
When they don't matter?
When they can't change anything?
When your mind is settled?
Way to kick a dead dog.
Congratulations
You just slapped a woman in the face.
I lose.

And you CONSTANTLY freak.
Boundaries!
Image!
Face!
Perceptions!
Heart!
Family!
The Future!
Borders!

Answer this.
If you saw a girl hug 15 different people in the course of 10 minutes
Smiling the entire time
Sitting with one
Maybe two
Would you really think that she's dating them?
Any of them?
Not really.
But if you think it makes her floozy...
That's your decision.
I lose.

Answer this.
If you saw a guy walk around for the course of 40 minutes
Conversing with just one girl
Opening doors
Carrying her stuff
Grabbing her food and drinks
Bowing
. . .
Isn't that worse?
Kind of.
But if you think that means he's a cavalier...
That's your decision.
I lose.

I'm not the flirt.
I'm not the one
Whose actions and words
Don't line up.
I lose.

Don't say you won't court me
Don't say you don't love me
And then do that.
(How is that not in complete opposition to your words?)
I lose.

You think I care that it's how you were raised?
You think I care that your personal pride is on the line?
You think I care that my words you'll never listen to
When I PLEAD for you to stop?
Of course.
That's why...
I lose.

But how do you not see the double standard?
But how do you not see the pain you cause?
But how do you not see that some days
(Not all)
I just can't.
And your disappointment in my refusal
To play this dumb game of yours
Is just another dagger
In my already weeping heart?
I lose.

You were raised to be a gentleman?
I was raised to be a bleeding heart.
You were raised to service the weaker sex?
I was raised to give my all to everyone.
You were raised to... what?
Whatever.
Do I even need to guess?
You'll just yell at me
For breaking yet another rule
Tomorrow
I lose.

I can't ever be good enough.
I can't ever satisfy your requirements.
I try so hard.
Do you know how many people call me crazy?
For trying?
For putting this much effort
Into something
That gives me nothing?
I give it all away.
I lose.

I am an empty corn husk.
Within a few days
I won't even smell like corn anymore.
I won't be anything anymore.
Okay, I'm being overly dramatic.
But, still
I lose.

I was not dealt a winning hand
I wasn't given a chance
Did I go in blind?
Am I still blind?
The rules aren't going to change.
Ever.
THAT was made clear
(Crystal)
So.
What do I do?
Where do I go from here?
There's no shot at winning.
I lose.

Why play a game that you can't win?
Good thing I'm not (that) competitive.
I'm in this for the long haul.
This pain is nothing
Compared to what loss is.
So...
When will you be done with me?
Will I eventually bore you?
Will you get too busy to bother?
Will I appear to be too obnoxious?
Will you leave me for someone easier?
Will you forget about it all?

You have all the cards.
You have full control and authority.
You have all the power.
You make every choice.

I lose.