Poetry: My Vow

Never say what your first thought is at disappointment:
(Fuck you)
It's really more of a:
REALLY?! Again? But you were so close!

You are standing on a cliff far above me
I call from below
You get close enough
Almost can see me
Almost there
And then you turn around
Boredom?
Not as important as something else?
Distracted?
Suddenly not worth the effort?
Again and again

This game is sickening
I hate it
I hate you
To get so close
So often
And back off
Every time
Without fail
(Drives me nuts)

I take a while to open up
Like the last flower that opens in July
When all my neighbors opened in May
And just when I start to bloom
You walk away
You cut the bush down
You decide to move to another part of the garden
To water?
Whatever
You missed it (on purpose?)

It's my fault, anyway
I'm the late bloomer
I'm the stupid shy scarlet
I'm the one with the drama
I'm the idiot who makes every little thing a big deal
I'm that little floozy tart
You keep around until you find a maiden

Like a cockroach infestation in your first apartment
You only deal until you can finance a move
And then you will
No hesitation
No looking back
Maybe a few fond memories
But they all pass away in the breeze
(Like an odor you hate)

Look at me
Look at the harlot of your time
Look at this mess of a person
You couldn't hardly call a woman
Look at me
I'm a parasite
I'm your parasite
(Pitiful, isn't it?)

What else am I?
Don't you dare call me something I'm not
You think I don't wish for it to be otherwise?

When I try to change,
Everyone scoffs
They know me
They know how I work
It's preposterous to think otherwise
I am the way I am
They think

I'm too stubborn to change
I'm too "me" to be any different
I feel like a vagabond covered in dirt
You're only paying attention
To score points with Jesus
Like I'm a charity case
Like I'm a pitiful creature
In need of saving
Because I make you feel better about yourself
After you think you've aided me

I'm not allowed to grow
To change
This box is so restricting
Might as well get used to enclosed spaces
Might as well learn how to get comfortable
I'm not allowed to leave
Am I?
I wonder if I'll break any bones
Living my whole life inside
The dark

I vow
Not to ever get taken in by anger
I vow
Not to let them in
I vow
To stop focusing on myself
I vow
To make them happier better people
(Because they can't reciprocate)
I vow
To never lose my standard
I vow
To always stay strong
I vow
To never forget that the ONLY reason
They are in my life
Is because I forced them to be
I vow
To never stop trying to redeem myself
For the mistake of making them know me
I vow
To always remember in my happiness
That I'm robbing it
From whomever it should have been
In my stead
I vow
I won't get bitter
I vow

I'm scared of vowing
It's a very bad thing to break a vow
And that failure looms over me
Casting a dark shadow
Laughing

But I need to ready myself
Somehow
How else will I face tomorrow?
Today you hurt me
This is how I make sure it doesn't happen again

If I harden
If I don't fail
If I stay strong
As long as I change my attitude
As long as I stop
Thinking
As I am
'Cause it's all on me
It's not your fault
Your harmless words
Turned to daggers in my ears
It's mine.

So

I vow
My disappointment is my own.

Let me deal with it tonight
It'll never break me again.

Guaranteed.