Poetry: The Things I Can't Say

There’s a loneliness in my heart
Building
Welling
Flooding
Causing numbness and despair

Time just makes it worse
Letting it mutate and grow
Wrecking the semblance of balance and control

A fix so easy
So unreachable

Longing for fulfillment yet
The words never escape my lips
I cannot say what I need
Incapable of seeking out the help that I burn for
Unwilling to burden another’s time

All I cause is annoyance and hate
The frustration of others builds
As their way of reaching out
Falls flat
Dies

I’m sorry but
Words mean literally nothing to me
Your efforts of support don’t help
I don’t need to hear that I’m loved
I don’t want to hear that you can listen

I don’t want to text all night
Because it’s not a conversation
It’s me, nursing my cell, alone
And I don’t want that

I don’t want to hear your voice
I don’t need to hear your concern over the phone
It’s better but
It will make me feel guilty
Intentions notwithstanding

If you say that you’ll be here
Then show up
If you say that you’ll listen
Then hear what I’m saying
If you say that you’ll support me
Then why am I alone?

I’m not depressed
There is reason to feel the way I do
Don’t dismiss me
Frustration is caused by an unwillingness to bend
And I’m too tired to pretend
Your current action drains me
I just need a physical friend

But that’s something I can’t say
So you think I’m pushing you away.

Poetry: Hard to Make the Words Come

I've been sitting alone and it's felt like forever, hoping that some clarity might come. I can skim through the words that were so harshly spoken and I still just can't seem to understand why. When I am upset, why do I always use such an aggressive tactic? It doesn't help anything and it makes everyone more miserable. When I nitpick on flaws that don't really exist but still make you sad, why is your response always self-isolation? How can I let you know that I'm sorry, that what was said was untrue and wrong? How can I mend this wound that I crafted when the words just don't seem to want to form? How do I show you that I love you and that my psychotic episode is over when you've driven yourself away and left me alone? I don't understand what hurts the most and I can't grasp how you feel. I don't want to make the same mistake again but your refusal to let me in makes it challenging and I sit here, feeling like a failure because I'm not good enough to know. I have heard you question your ability to be good enough for me but at this moment, I question mine. Oh my sweet dear, my blossoming man, the pride of my heart... There is nothing I desire more than to be yours and have you in my life forever. But at this moment, struggling to accept our different ways of grieving, fighting to accept the reality that our mutual sorrow dictates... I feel like poison, a toxin, perhaps. And as badly as I want you, as much as I need you... all of my conclusions end the same. The desire in my heart is strong to keep you but the rationale of my head speaks differently: I am causing this and so, despite all the wishes I may have in reverse, despite the hurt that this thought even existing has all the way to my soul, despite the fact that I can't picture my life without you actively in it... I feel like I should stop holding you back and let you go. You deserve better than this and you deserve better than me. You think you can't make me happy and I know that's a lie but words never stopped a heart before. How can I let you know that you're the only thing holding back my depression and my handling methods are awful? I don't know how to say that my emotional state is not your fault and how deeply I am saddened when you put that burden onto your shoulders. I want you to be strong for me, to be a stable individual in my chaotic life but I don't want you to try to fix my life. How can I explain how impossible that is? You're perfect to me, honey. Not because you're flawless: heaven knows we have enough flaws to spare... but because the love you give me is pure and true and I can rest my trust in loving you. We're probably always going to fight and there's plenty of room for polarized desires... but how perfect it is that I know I'll love you fully anyway and you do too. But maybe that's the problem. In your love for me, you desire my happiness and then try to dictate the winds and the sea to make it so but that elements don't listen and the results don't align with intent because you're trying to manage what you should be loving and in frustration it all crumbles away. But how am I to know, sitting here, contemplating the time of day as you've locked yourself away and I just sit here in question-- wondering when you'll let me in and love you even when you're weak and I probably caused the hurt? I want to be your help-meet. I want to be the one you rely completely upon as I do on you. Tell me your sorrow and your pain, give me your love and your wealth, fasten to me the stresses of life with the exciting moments of your day. Let me bring harmony and grace. I want to be the one that completes your life. I'll turn your house into a home. I'll turn our marriage into a family. Let me make a welcoming environment free of your daily stress and life out of brick and stone. I want to be the one that does this. I want you to question how you lived before me-- not because you couldn't have but because it's just so much better and fulfilling with me there. All I ask is for you to support and love me. Let me show you how greatly I can flourish under a tender, loving gaze. How great it'd be if only... If only we were two open people who could talk with each other without letting negativity be a deterrent for our conversation. Oh, I wish I knew what to say. Just letting all of this bottle up and boil inside, squirming to get out but not understanding how to properly release what I feel. I want to understand. I wish to make it better. But I'm sitting here alone, wishing to verbally express my heart when there's no words to properly emphasize what I mean, choked up and failing to help because I don't know how to do this. I'm full of fear and anticipation, sorrow and love, patience and grief... wondering why it is so hard to make the words come.

I just know that I don't want to hurt you.

My Fears

I fear Hell. I fear that most people will go there and few believe themselves to. I fear I am one of them. I fear that those courses could be changed and I did nothing.

I fear isolation. I fear waking up alone after crying myself to sleep alone. I fear getting comfortable in this loneliness. I fear that so many people silently suffer as I in this.

I fear love. I fear loving too hard and having it burn out. I fear loving too softly and letting it slip away. I fear getting comfortable and then losing what I have.

I fear dreams. I fear that they will come true and I fear that one day I won't be able to wake up and escape the nightmares of my mind. I fear what they mean.

I fear myself. I fear that I don't know who I am and that if I found out, it wouldn't be someone worth knowing. I fear that the lies I showcase will be found out. That I'm not smart. That I'm not driven. That I'm not happy. That I am without direction or purpose. That the scars that cover my flesh are bone deep and there isn't much more to say about me.

I fear reaction. I fear if my actual thoughts and opinions were found out, I'd be even more undesirable and people like me can't afford to be picky. It's so hard for me to get friends... how much harder would it be if they knew my opinions?

I fear challenge. For so much of my early life, many things (especially education-wise) came easy. I became associated with words that I despised and assumptions that I didn't want. I live in fear of disappointing those restricting stereotypes. I fear the failure.

I fear happiness. I fear that I won't appreciate it right and that I'll cause it to die off. I fear that I'm not worthy and stress over who I'm potentially stealing it from by having it at all.

I fear my family. I fear I will become bitter like them and that their present is my unavoidable future. I fear that they don't love me but also what it means if they do.

I fear rejection. I fear putting myself out there, truly, because I'm not strong enough to handle the abuse that comes from a lack of mutual devotion.

I fear many things but people think I'm fearless because horror movies don't frighten me and clowns don't scare me and the darkness doesn't terrify me. No, I don't fear fantasy. I am scared to live.

Poetry: Lonely

I wake up groggy, wishing you were here.
Pretending what it'd be like to wake in your arms.
I get ready for the day, feeling the tiredness fall off in action.
Every motion I take reminds me of how you held me then.
A tilt of my head, a caress of my hand.
There I am again, being held in your arms.
Loving the way you loved me.
Snap back to reality.
Move on from fantasy.

If I never knew, I wouldn't be so sad.
I miss you.
Your touch, your smile, your smell.
Your laugh, your furrowed brow, your simplicity.
The way that the love on your face could melt away my fear.
I could leave all my stress to you, looking at you.
Now I'm stuck with memory and it saddens me.
I don't want to think of halcyon days.
Hold me and never let me go.
I know you.
You can be my fairy tale.

Life separates us.
I don't want it to.
I fear how long it will.
I don't want to lose you.
I feel like I have already.
I'm tired of crying because I'm alone.

Honey

I don't want to be lonely.

Poetry: For You

I have everything to say
The things I feel are so boundless
Any touch I give you is never going to be enough
How do I express it all?
Everything I want
Everything I have
For you.

Poetry: Before I Knew

A desire
A longing
A wish
A short contemplation of the mind
A slight sorrow
A break in thought
Not to be thought again
Till another day

An unlived fantasy of the mind
Drawing life from dearth
A bother
A hindrance
But
Nothing more

Then one day
Among thoughts of need
Availability is there
Possibility is here
Going along out of fear
Don't want to miss an opportunity
The comings and goings of which are too fast

So now I have a taste
It unleashed my appetite
A desire before? A desperation now
A longing before? A burning now
A wish before? A craving now
A small thought turned to all day obsession
Mad with yearning
There is no other thought
Hoping to end this consideration
With the end of today

If I knew this power of my mind
Drawing and reflecting given a taste of my desire
Then
Would I have let myself still be led here?
Weak in coveting
Because I know.

Poetry: It Couldn't Happen to Me

A small child idolizes the future
Takes the pain of the world
Putting on some rose-coloured glasses
Bringing light to the darkness
Unaware of truth or perhaps more so

They can wish for hardness
They can wish for difficulty
They can wish for pain

They can want the things that cause tears
And call it real
They can see the fights between their parents
And call it love
They can ask for the difficulties of adulthood
And call it mature

They don't really think it'll happen
To them

That's why they can idolize it
Think that they can do it better
Trusting that they will be stronger people
Than the ones who came before

Then as they grow
And deviations from plan spiral along
The fabrics of a dream unravel
Turning dark, becoming living nightmares

When being broke was a joke
Well, not anymore as you see your wife starve
When being mugged was a game
Well, not anymore as you lost your weekly salary
When being raped was romanticized
Well, not when you're scared out of your mind
When fighting was considered communication
Well, not when it came to blows and a hospital bill
When brutality was considered heroic
Well, not when you see your best bud die
When growing up and moving out was ideal
Well, not when you're living paycheck to paycheck
And you still don't know what you'll be doing with your life
Because
Because
You lost your dream
And not only is it gone but
You can't even remember what it was

And you can only sing along to songs
Saying how no one ever said life'd be this hard
Wanting to start again
With the information of now

Filled with morose thinking of a halcyon youth
Back when

It couldn't happen to me.