My Fears

I fear Hell. I fear that most people will go there and few believe themselves to. I fear I am one of them. I fear that those courses could be changed and I did nothing.

I fear isolation. I fear waking up alone after crying myself to sleep alone. I fear getting comfortable in this loneliness. I fear that so many people silently suffer as I in this.

I fear love. I fear loving too hard and having it burn out. I fear loving too softly and letting it slip away. I fear getting comfortable and then losing what I have.

I fear dreams. I fear that they will come true and I fear that one day I won't be able to wake up and escape the nightmares of my mind. I fear what they mean.

I fear myself. I fear that I don't know who I am and that if I found out, it wouldn't be someone worth knowing. I fear that the lies I showcase will be found out. That I'm not smart. That I'm not driven. That I'm not happy. That I am without direction or purpose. That the scars that cover my flesh are bone deep and there isn't much more to say about me.

I fear reaction. I fear if my actual thoughts and opinions were found out, I'd be even more undesirable and people like me can't afford to be picky. It's so hard for me to get friends... how much harder would it be if they knew my opinions?

I fear challenge. For so much of my early life, many things (especially education-wise) came easy. I became associated with words that I despised and assumptions that I didn't want. I live in fear of disappointing those restricting stereotypes. I fear the failure.

I fear happiness. I fear that I won't appreciate it right and that I'll cause it to die off. I fear that I'm not worthy and stress over who I'm potentially stealing it from by having it at all.

I fear my family. I fear I will become bitter like them and that their present is my unavoidable future. I fear that they don't love me but also what it means if they do.

I fear rejection. I fear putting myself out there, truly, because I'm not strong enough to handle the abuse that comes from a lack of mutual devotion.

I fear many things but people think I'm fearless because horror movies don't frighten me and clowns don't scare me and the darkness doesn't terrify me. No, I don't fear fantasy. I am scared to live.