Poetry: The Things I Can't Say

There’s a loneliness in my heart
Building
Welling
Flooding
Causing numbness and despair

Time just makes it worse
Letting it mutate and grow
Wrecking the semblance of balance and control

A fix so easy
So unreachable

Longing for fulfillment yet
The words never escape my lips
I cannot say what I need
Incapable of seeking out the help that I burn for
Unwilling to burden another’s time

All I cause is annoyance and hate
The frustration of others builds
As their way of reaching out
Falls flat
Dies

I’m sorry but
Words mean literally nothing to me
Your efforts of support don’t help
I don’t need to hear that I’m loved
I don’t want to hear that you can listen

I don’t want to text all night
Because it’s not a conversation
It’s me, nursing my cell, alone
And I don’t want that

I don’t want to hear your voice
I don’t need to hear your concern over the phone
It’s better but
It will make me feel guilty
Intentions notwithstanding

If you say that you’ll be here
Then show up
If you say that you’ll listen
Then hear what I’m saying
If you say that you’ll support me
Then why am I alone?

I’m not depressed
There is reason to feel the way I do
Don’t dismiss me
Frustration is caused by an unwillingness to bend
And I’m too tired to pretend
Your current action drains me
I just need a physical friend

But that’s something I can’t say
So you think I’m pushing you away.