Poetry: Blood of Death

We wanted it

We wished for it with all of our hearts

We took a step back from reality and made a dream

So really it was our fault

It was mine

But you never viewed it like that

Did you?

We begged and pleaded and forced you into a corner

You smiled and let yourself be cowed

Why?

It hurts so much to know that you did so out of love

I should feel grateful

But I'm not

I am shamed

The survivor always bears the burden

The burden of guilt

We wanted

We needed, we said

You knew better

But

Knowing the pain, the cost of death

You suffered

You were tortured

Days, months, years?

Who could know?

But it is certain that the pain was real

The red river trailed your ribs

The flesh was ripped off with leather

Bone was broken

And you ran out of water to cry

Their torture techniques left you mangled

And I just stood there

It was for me and I could not be grateful

You took the blame and I said thank you and ignored your screams

The screams that should have been from my lungs

The blood that engulfed you should have been my blanket

You were starved and mocked

I feasted while watching

How dare I

And then, you said goodbye without a regret on your heart

I wept bitterly but it was just for the death

Not for what you did for me

Not for your resolve

Not for your unfailing dedication and love

No, it was for the loneliness that I knew that I would face now that...

You're gone

I know, I know you're still here

You watch over me and still love me

But I can no longer feel your warmth

Your hand no longer rests on my shoulder

Your smile isn't just for me

I can only see the images

They're all for them

The fan club

The mockers

Those who pretend to understand

I was there

I don't understand

How could they?

Did they know you?

NO

Could they?

I don't know

But I loved you

And now you're gone

One day I hope

I hope I'll see you again

But I'm scared of that day

Because it'll mean my death

I'm not ready

As much as I dislike Them,

When I surround myself with these pretenders,

I feel a part of Us

And then I'm less lonely

But nothing will satisfy me

Except you

Sorry for the rant.

I love you,

You know that, right?

I'm so sorry.

Sorry that I couldn't be strong.

Sorry that I didn't do anything.

You were so strong and I so weak.

I don't like being weak and you make me strong.

I need you.

I feel so helpless without you.

Please love me still.

God, you are the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit

Thank you

I know I don't mean what I say

But I want to

Faith is so hard