Poetry: Price

First you have to make a choice.
But I won't tell you all of the options.
Or the consequences.
Make a choice.

To be a friend means to give up your heart.
To give up your heart puts you at risk of heart break.
So your heart aches.
Every day.
Fearing the day it shatters.
But.
You have a friend.
And sometimes
You'll have special moments of peace.
And in these moments your heart is full.
And nothing can hurt you.
(Except for them)

To choose between passion and financial stability.
To choose between responsibility and love.
To choose between your desires and the wants of others.
To choose between security and potentially everything you've ever wanted.

It all comes at a price.

I have a favorite spot to eat.
But no one else likes sitting there.
So I don't... on the off-hand potential that
They might sit with me.
I haven't sat there in over a year.
Sometimes I dream about sitting there again.
I contemplate what it would feel like
To be there again.
I'm not sure I'll ever go back.

My closest friend struck a blow today.
It hurt.
Hard.
It might have bruised my heart.
Maybe I need to see a doctor?
He mentioned that after he gets a girl that
I can't dominate his time
Any longer.
That I'll just slip away
Into the distance
Into nothingness.
As somebody from his past...
Who used to matter.
Just a memory...
Just some chick.
Who used to fill your day with laughter.

(Do you think I don't know that?!
Let me break my heart my way and don't worry about me.
It has to be done and you know it. So stop.
Trust me on this.)

Let me treasure the time that I do have.
I know it won't last!
That's why it's so important.
That's why I can't go.
I just want the present to last as long as possible.
I'm always the friend
That lasts one season.
Then I'm gone from your life.
I know that.
Why can't you just let me treasure it before the wind changes?
I know the cost!
Let me pay it.

A lack of motivation
Will cause grades to plummet, jobs to be lost.
A lack of intimacy
Will make a heart harden.
A lack of time
Will make the entirety of you weary.
A lack of standards
Will make you meretricious.
Maybe that's all I am.

The price I pay to live my day is high.
On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being crucifixion and 1 being perfect wellbeing in every regard...
My daily physical pain is a 4.
If my curse acts up; 6.
And they all tell me to take drugs!
(If I take drugs for pain, I'll never stop!)
Life is pain.
Grin and bear it.
Smile through.
Man up and deal with it.
They don't need to know.
Frankly, knowing or not doesn't change a thing.
It's my fee.

I once owned a dog.
She died by liver cancer on the 30th of November.
So I got another dog to replace the company.
The new dog favors men too much to pay me any mind.
All I am to her is access to a bed to sleep on.
This is the price I pay.
This is my ransom.

Every day
Every way
I choose.
And these choices are hard to make.
And these choices cause so much grief.
No one understands my logic.
No one understands my reasoning.
And no one understands why I choose to live this way.
But that's okay.

This is the price I pay.