Poetry: Confessions

After the life I've lived...

I feel as if I've done nothing
Been nothing
Seen nothing

And I've lied to myself
To make it seem
As if
As if something
A tiny spark
Had meaning
As if
As if someone
An insignificant person
Changed me

Everything I am
Everything I've done
Is a disguise
A lie

Tormented by emotions
Spiraling in self-doubt
Questioning my rationality
Hiding behind a mask

I confess
I live in fear

Who am I?
What am I to do?
Why was I born?
Is there meaning in my existence?

I know
There are those
Those who say
"I love you"
"You mean something to me"

Whatever.

You didn't need me
You still don't

What is love?
If not the ability to tell one
You mean the most to me
But I'd be fine if you left forever
Abandoning me to this harsh world
Because I can and will carry on
And the emotions that weigh my heart down
Will not
Can not
Shall not
Stop me

Can I say that?
Honestly?
I do not love without condition

Everything I do is for a profit
It's calculated
But
Sometimes it hurts
I have to choose whether to give up
My ventures
For
Emotional ease
Sometimes
I do
Mostly
I don't

Is it normal that life pains me in living it?
Is it normal that feeling happy brings regret?
Is it normal that in my life
I have never once been someone's friend?
They have always been mine

Your kindness makes me uneasy
Treat me like an animal, please
I beg you
Hit me
Abuse me
Call me a slob
A cheat
A good-for-nothing woman
Hurt me
Please
But don't
Don't you ever
I warn you
Don't you ever
Call me pretty
Whisper sweet nothings into my ear
Regally regard me

It makes me feel inadequate
It makes me feel like a cheat
It makes me feel like too good a fabricator
It makes me...

These kind deeds were not meant for me
I stole them
By stealing your time
By stealing your effort

Don't let me
Steal your heart
Don't let me
Become important
Don't let me
Waste your breath
Waste your time
Waste your effort
Waste your feelings

I am a black hole
And you
You, I will eat
Don't feed me first
For then my desire to consume you
Grows mightily

I am an ocean wave
I get larger
The closer I am to shore
Misdirect me
Run away from supposed freedom
Take your ship out to sea
Abandon me
To crash into the rocks

After the life I've lived...

I am but dust
Formed and shaped
And one day
After water weathers away
My layers of falsehoods
My emotions and dreams
My very fears

To dust

To dust I shall return.