Poetry: The Problem

The problem is that I can see it, not that I can't.
I can imagine saying yes and staying true.
I can imagine being close with you.
I can imagine giving all of myself to you.

The problem is not in our proximity but on my fears.
I fear getting close to others.
I fear embracing what I feel.
I fear where my feelings lead.

The problem is not in our differences, rather we are the same.
I know just how close we can be.
I know just how far I can take you.
I know just how you think for I understand me.

The problem is
me.

I give you labels that you can't fit under
In hopes that they'll limit your control over my heart.
I tease you so that you'll never know
The ways that your idiocy makes me appreciate you.
I trust you with dumb secrets in hopes that
Your reliance upon them to define me would end your quest.

For some dumb reason...
I like you.

I don't want to.

Your mannerisms irritate me.
Your outlook on life depresses me.
Your figure displeases me.
Your views on who I am sadden me.
Your smell disgusts me.
Your past of traveling disheartens me.

But when you smile and look at me
But when you do what you hate for me
But when you get dragged along on one of my crazy adventures

I think for a brief second...

Life with you could be good.

And I can picture it.
How we would be together.
What we would do.
How we could change each other.
Our plans.
How we should make life better.

And it scares me.

Do you see me that way?
Of course not.
Is it at all realistic to want that?
Of course not.
Would it be worth my time?
...

I'm not what you want.
Not what you need.
We could be together but
Who would that help?
What reason would I have?
It's illogical.

So.

The problem is thus.
Am I overthinking a strange friendship
or
Ruining my chances at a life with you
or
Causing myself harm by always putting myself into these situations?

I friend those I can become too close to
Then ruin our proximity with feelings
To end up all alone and abandoned.

I friend those who will never love me.
So even as I type this, I know.

The problem is that I have a problem
That you'll never see.

Poetry: You See Love

You asked me for a life story, and I only told you a list of some negatives.
I ambiguously said I crossed a gray line that should have been black.
I said that life was rough.
But.
I never told you of the times that I smiled in the sun,
Or felt that my family and I were one.
I failed to mention and you did not question
My convictions of loyalty
And why they exist.

I didn't tell you that my bad times were only poor
And my memories are flooded with good, overwhelming any trace.
I didn't tell you that my issues were all on me, as they always are...
As my emotions always get in the way of rationality.

I didn't explain that my family is my blood
And that even the ones I am far from,
I would die for.
I didn't explain that my family is my cornerstone
And that lacking even one
Would crush me.

You want some truth, boy?
Do you really want to know who I am?
You say I'm hiding from myself,
But that's only half true.
I'm scared of myself.
I live in constant terror of becoming what I fear the most.
Me.

My family has a history of depression
Honestly I think I have it too.
But I'm so scared of showing symptoms
That I go out of my way to be outrageously extraverted.
To always be others' beacon of sun.
I've seen what depression does, up close, personal.
I don't want to be seen like one of its victims.
I don't want to be locked up, treated, abused, and pitied.
So I pray to God that he'll give me the strength
To get the day through without faltering a smile.

I fear the quiet.
In the quiet, thoughts creep into my head,
Mocking me.
Telling me straight what I always fear to be true.

I am useless.
I am unloved.
I am a bother to others.
I am not smart enough to fake it much longer.
I am not smart enough to not fake it.
I am easy to forget.
I am abused and mistreated because my needs are so counter to everyone.
The introverts think I'm too energetic.
The religious think I'm too outgoing and materialistic and promiscuous.
The jocks think I'm lazy and lack interests.
The TV fans think I'm sheltered.
The sheltered think I'm insane.
The insane avoid me.
Everyone avoids me...
When's the last time someone approached me and not the other way around?
I can't even remember because it was so long ago.

I long for comfort
For warmth
For acceptance
For love
To be the cause of someone's genuine smile.
I long for happiness
For understanding
For grace
For peace
To be a beacon for the Lord.
Yet I fear I am not meant to be.

I long to connect with others.
Not in words.
Not in action.
Not in presence.
But it all.
With everyone.
I want to know others so well that I can live in their lives as part of their memory.
I want to be someone relied on and trusted completely.

This makes me a parasite.
I know.

No one wants this but me.
Even hugs freak most people out.
And that's just my starting line.
I have never been able to connect very far with anyone...
They have all gotten extremely good and saying "no" and pushing me away.

Every time you say, "no".
Every time I hear, "that's only okay if you were..."
Every time I see deeper connections with others...
My heart gets bruised a little bit.
Not a lot, just a little.
It hurts worse, knowing that you don't mean to cause this.
That you live in ignorance of your sword.
I know you say and do so to be admirable, faithful, kind.

But I feel like a fish out of water;
Pretending that I need air when that is the substance that is killing me
All because everyone else wants air
And the water is so cold alone.

I live in fear that I'll break from this intense internal struggle.
I live in fear that someone will one day see inside my prison.

I say I don't fear a lot...
Truth is, I fear my desires.
I fear the truth even as I speak it.


But you know none of this.
You see a girl, laughing a fake laughter
And wonder what is concealed behind it.
You hear the bad stories of my past
And question how they made me who I am.
But in reality, it is the happy times that made me so weak.
You notice my clinginess
And believe it is you that causes it.
But it's not.

I love too hard too fast too many
Because I fear that I am not.
Believing that I never could be.

Truth is, I'd die for you.
Truth is, I'd go through torture for you.
Truth is, I'd do whatever you asked of me.
Needed of me.
If you'd only accept me.
Me.
Not the girl you see, with the fake smile.

Under her, is me.

Understanding Women: It's a Monthly Ratio

So a few nights ago I was talking with one of my buddies about the difference in the sexes and I had this really great story/metaphor explaining things and he really understood what I said and was able to really come to terms with reality. This is an attempt to recreate that conversation because seriously, guys... you have absolutely no grasp on the female craziness. This will not be nearly as great as what was said that night... at 1:30am... on the spot... because life doesn't work that way.

For starters, you cannot think of brain patterns of the sexes similarly. There are different neurons firing when they are presented with the exact same stimulus and thus as a sex, a situation is viewed differently. Thus, men understand men and women understand women. But just because you haven't gone through the same experience doesn't mean you can't acknowledge their struggles.

Every two weeks for a week long, women are horny. Now, this is nothing like a male's horniness because it has different causes. Men are horny because they become stimulated, their body is reflexing itself, and blood flow. Women are horny due to their cycle and stimulation. Primarily the first... I feel like I only ever get horny because my body forces me to.

Think of woman's month (28 days) like this.
Days 1-7: normal week
Days 8-14: horny week, best time to become impregnated, constantly wet, definitely "in heat"
Days 15-21: normal week but slightly aggravated for no reason, cramping
Days 22-28: period week, cramping and bleeding all the time, the extra wetness causes horniness
Days 1-7: normal week

Think of a man's month (28 days) like this.
Days 1-28: normal month

Why am I mentioning this? Because for women, hormones control everything, all the time. Hormones have a strong impact on emotion, reasoning, and interpretation of events. Ever wondered why a girl was really flirty and awesome one day but the next refused to talk and shut you down? Because of hormones. I know it's social suicide to blame PMS, but in reality... everything a girl does is because of PMS. You have to understand it to be able to accept and deal with it without using it as an excuse for not getting what you want.

For example, crushes.
Guys are pretty consistent in their emotions because they aren't on a cycle, they are steady. When they like someone, they like them. End discussion. But when a girl likes someone, that's only one of the many emotions battling in her head.

Thoughts about a crush occurring within a 10 second interval:
Wow, I like him
I can't stand him right now
He looks good today
Would he just fix his hair already?
I love his smell
No, I hate how he smells
But I want to breathe in his scent
Why do I even like this loser
I want to marry him
Crap, he's looking at me
Why do I care?
I am fed up with him
I really want to talk with him
He's so dorky looking
I am so infatuated with this guy
His hands are always so freaking clammy
I want to hold his hand anyways
Does he like me?
Of course not, why do I like him?
I can't wait to tell him ___
I want his children
Ew, sex is gross, imagine being naked in a room with him...ew
Oh great, he's coming over
Yay
Gah
So not ready for this
I haven't seen him in so long

All these thoughts swim in your head at once: positive and negative and sometimes it's hard to understand where they are even coming from because you don't seriously believe half this garbage, but you think it anyways. And it's always in there, pounding away. All of these contradictory thoughts, all together, battling each other for control and it's really hard to sort what you really feel and what it seems like you're feeling due to who knows what. It gets worse when you are horny because primal urges become the strongest voice in your head and it shakes and scares your morals. Honestly, you like your crush. Yet in your head, nearly as strong are feelings of strong negativity against them. For absolutely no reason at all. They're just there... in your head. For no reason. They never go away either, it's quite a dilemma.

It's like... the world is a straight path, everyone has to walk forward on a one-way journey. And this is easy for men because they think in a straight-forward manner and thus the world reflects how they think and live. But... women are caught on the merry-go-round. Their bodies force them to act on this loop, going around and around every month with the only consistency being between certain weeks in a month instead of the day-to-day basis of a man. But the world is moving straight so they struggle to move forward while being spun around and around and around. But they aren't build to walk straight so that causes even more turmoil and it's so frustrating.

There is no day-to-day consistency and it's a very active struggle to choose which of the many thoughts that are in your head will be in the majority so you act with stability. This is why people say don't trust your feelings unless you hold them for more than 4 months: not because you don't know your feelings sooner... it really is faster to fall in love that that... but since you ride a merry-go-round you have to make sure that you know what you feel is what YOU feel and not what your body does before making any commitments to a person that may just be an object of your hormones' desires.

And any who says that ladies just need to get it together and control their hormones has not seriously known a woman. I mean, be in someone's presence for a great length of each day for a two month time period and see how different they act while being themselves. They will act differently but they are trying not to. It's really easy to tell where a woman is in her cycle based on the slight differences she has in her behavior during the month. And this isn't being sexist, this is just straight up honest.

Women live on a merry-go-round of hormones and chemical balances that men do not experience as their bodies do not function in that way. Therefore, take whatever is said with a grain of salt... please.

Extroverts Have No Friends

*Nothing stated below can be used to interpret the nature of the author of this blog as an individual.

Extroverts have no friends. Seriously, we do not. We have an overabundance of acquaintances that view us as "that crazy person whom they hang out with but are not really friends with but that's okay because they have a lot of friends, right?" Wrong, wrong, wrong. Everyone views me that way. I go out of my way to sit with you at lunch and strike a conversation and invite you to hang out and do random crap with me and you view me as an acquaintance because I act that way constantly with admittedly a seemingly large group of people that do not know each other. I don't really know them either but we eat lunch at the same time of day so there's that.

We need constant stimulation that doesn't rely on group size (it's still needed) but the quality of conversation. We long to be involved and thus often talk but want to listen just as well if others were interested in striking the conversation. Others usually do not and thus listen to the chatterbox over here, making the distance between us even wider as I learn nothing of you or your life except the stupid, simple, material answers to conversation-starter questions while I am the only one handing out sensitive information about myself.

We never spend enough time with anybody that we know. Ever. I could spend 18 hours in a day with someone and the second that they are gone I regret saying goodbye. It doesn't matter if we are close or not, we need more people time than can ever be offered. It's not because we like you, in fact we rarely flirt with those that we socialize with but that does not mean that the time spent together was not treasured or valuable. In fact, I need it to feel like I'm living. I hear introverts need alone time to gather themselves and think or whatever but when I am alone, it's because no one cares enough about my needs to go out of their way for me they way I do every time I see them. I go crazy when I am without company and it hurts to know that no one knows where I am or how I'm struggling through my life. I sit there, getting more and more morose by the second, unable to do my work without feeling and hearing life around me.

I have a large family that I do not see enough of. And it pangs my heart to think of the distance between me and them. Granted, I love that they love me... but that doesn't stop me from thinking that they must love others more and care for them more when I'm not the one that they want to spend time with or use as a crying shoulder. I constantly think, "What must I do to be good enough for you, because obviously I'm not there yet. If I were, then we would spend time together because there's nothing that shows love greater than sacrificing your time for others." I approach people at school in a similar fashion... yes, we eat together, and yes, I talk at you, and yes, we spent a "good" portion of every weekend together but... we're not friends yet. And I get so confused as to how all these introverted people can assume we're friends when we don't rely upon each other or seriously talk and debate and hang out just to hang out; with no more reason upon it than that, regardless of homework load or any other excuse.

I am miserable all the time, most of the time. When I am surrounded by others, I can only think of how many minutes are left until we depart and how many hours, days, weeks, months, years... will pass before we will meet again for another short period of time. And the time will be short, it always is. If I am having a bad day, a smile is still latched onto my face, strangling my emotions because no one is willing to know or share the load of stress I constantly feel. I start the conversation, I choose to seek you out, I notice the inner conflicts in you and jest to make you feel better because I need that stimulation to feel as more than just another bundle of cells formed to make yet another, dumb, useless, human body bag. I ask you questions about your life, plans, goals, successes, failures... and I respond positively to you always. But you never ask these things back. So how can we be close? We aren't. We never were. I am a parasite living off your existence and you view me as such.

How can the very thing that I want cause me so much sadness? I just want company but when I seek it out it always rejects me. I'm the person in our lunch group that thrives off the conversation without being in the inside jokes. I support your life without knowing any of it. I cheer up your bad days without knowing why it was so bad. It's like... I'm reaching out into the darkness for someone's hand but just when I'm about to grab it, I notice that they prefer the isolation in the dark, their arms folded across their chests, content to live alone in the darkness... and there's nothing I can do to convince them that the dark isn't scary but it's certainly lonely and oh how much I long and desire and crave and seek someone's hand to feel like I'm not useless in the darkness. But they don't want my hand, so I can't offer it. So I can't grab onto someone else's hand for my sake because I must let their hands remain free for their sake. And this makes them happy, which in consequence I am glad for, but that does not stave off the isolation and rejection I feel.

Raise your hand if you're the only one who raises their hand in class when the teacher asks a question. Who stands alone on an issue because it's better to stand for beliefs than to hide in the safety of the group. Who has been called unsympathetic, demanding, loud, obnoxious, ignorant, or unintelligent just because you're not an introvert who values alone time and views everyone as unconnected individuals who have no effect on others. That's me. But because I raised my hand, because I chose to speak out, I have lost the right to hold emotion. Their anger will come upon me in a wave and I have to face that. That is the social law. It's not that I'm confident to a fault... in fact I have very little confidence in myself. But I need opposition, conversation, interaction. And if I'm not getting it, I will find it out of need. Yes, I'm talking to 10 random strangers right now. And it's got me suck between YES PEOPLE, FINALLY and CRAP, THIS IS AWKWARD. Everyone thinks I have no social inhibitions but really my inhibitions about strangers aren't as strong as my need to be surrounded by others. So I stick around, antsy about making the choice to stay because part of me believes that leaving would be even worse and damn it, I need this. I am dependent upon others to feel alive. It is my drug of choice. I am addicted and my withdrawal symptoms are instantaneous, filling me with doubt and self disgust. How can I be worth anything to others if they don't want my company? How can they see positively if they don't bother to find out who I am? And so I tell them. So I seek out people and bother them, and yes, I fully know that you don't want me around, you're sick and tired of hearing my bratty voice that just goes on and on and on about crap you don't care about but frankly... I need to vent and it's gonna take quite a few people to get it out because frankly one person isn't enough to make me feel understood or loved. I need to tell my husband, my sisters, my brothers, my parents, my aunts, my uncles, my children, my neighbors, my friends, and the dog before I feel better. And they're never willing to give that to me. Because for some dumb reason I get to be one of the only extroverts in my family of extreme introversion. And it drives me crazy. Because if I ask too hard or talk too much or show them too much love, suddenly I'm pushy. I'm a jerk. I'm needy. I'm too intense. I'm around too often. I'm a loud mouth. I'm insensitive. I'm the person who gets friend-dumped for wanting to be in their lives. Sometimes I get friend-dumped by casual acquaintances that I've only talked to half a dozen times. And then I'm told that I'm being too dramatic and should go find people "like myself" to talk with because I'm driving their introverted selves mad. Well guess what? Introverts are way more common than extroverts, brat. It just seems the opposite because you're all too busy denying your existence as a social creature. What you witness as extroversion most of the time is just introverts finally opening up a tad because they're with people that they are super close with and can handle interaction in public for an hour before they go hide in their isolation-caves again. Not to diss on introverts or anything, but they literally suck away my happiness because I am forced to give in to their isolation all the time. And they don't understand how much it hurts... but you can't let them feel bad about it because you've been told this so often that you know it's a you problem and not theirs. And since you're the constant chatterbox of the group, obviously you never get upset or lonely, it makes no sense! So I smile and say "see you later," without letting them know how heavy the hurt is in my heart for letting them go... and since they never seem to want my attention or presence, I guess we're not friends either. No one wants to show me themselves or spend quality time with me. So I'm abandoned. Constantly. And the rejection hurts every time. I don't care about our reasons or prior commitments!

I just want to have a long deep conversation about crap, I just want to play cards until midnight, I just want to fall asleep in your lap talking about life, I just want to cook food and have you eat it, appreciating me. I just want to be in the same room as you while I work on my homework even if that means we get a little off track sometimes. I want to talk to you because your friend annoys me and I can't stand being around them so I need your company to feel better. I want to read a book in the same room that you're reading in. I want to talk about nothing and everything. I want make out with your for hours. I want to be able to want you and not get insulted for feeling how I do. Nothing makes me feel better than surrounding myself with a group of people with stars in their eyes with emotion and trust as we do what we do best: socialize.

But it's important to distinguish between fantasy and reality. And in reality... I have no friends. Not because I'm not a good person, not because I'm not loyal or trustworthy... actually I a good person, I am loyal, I am trustworthy. But. I am an extrovert and not one of those fakers who can pull of social interactions but still needs "me time". No. I am an extrovert who feels worthless without others around, causing suicidal thoughts in my loneliness. I interact out of need but no one knows the horrors of my heart. I am an extrovert.

And I have no friends.

Poetry: Plan

It's something special
We should do something
Then let us plan
Okay, plan time underway
Plan 1
Scratch that, plan 2
Scratch that too, plan 3
Modify that to plan 3.0
Okay but add music
That or this?
This
Okay now we need a cast
How many?
5-10
How about 15
Works

Assemble a crew
Assembled but
But what
Half won't respond
Not showing up?
Correct
They need to practice to partake
Indeed, so let's get more crew
1/3 crew dropped out
New crew is also unresponsive
Dedicated ones all have a mind for what they want
Reassemble plan into plan 4
Hate plan 4, plan 5
Crew won't do plan 5, they offer plan 6
Plan 6 is unrealistic, modify to plan 6.0
Crew overthrows new plan, plan 7
We agree on plan 7

Practice
Practice times have changed
New and old practice times are getting confusing
Messages are all private between single parties
Not a uniform idea for how to do this
Old crew that dropped comes back
Modify them into plan 7
Single practice time where all show up
No responses
They say "yes" but don't do
Practice time just for 1/4 group

Show up day of performance hours early
All the crew is there
Practice once
That was crap
Practice again
That was also crap
Close enough
Time for the show

Wait
Wait
Wait
Wait
Perform (5 minutes tops)

Dinner after?
Wait a while
Wait a while
Wait a while
Get food
Eat in 10 minutes
Talk
Talk
Talk
Bored
Bored
Bored

Time to go home.

Was it worth it?
Does it matter?
We'll do it again next year.

Poetry: Hanging

...I doubt...
the goodness of others
...Their humanity...
is gone in mine eyes
...They are small creatures...
unworthy of sympathy
...Sometimes I go through periods where...
I cannot see them
as anything more than bodies

...I give them roles in my head;
who they are and their limits
...To justify acting pleasantly...
to these little people
...But they are not my images...
so they break away from my boundaries
and this makes me mad
...So I disassociate once again...
no longer do I see them
...They are gone from my cruel eyes...

And that is how I relate to others
Through Psychopathic filters
Through a place of un-love and bias
No, I don't understand you
No, I don't know your pain
I just wish to be Holy and close to the Father

So I act like Christine,
Feeling like Phantom.

Poetry: Fallen

I could write a list of my strongest values
And I could adamantly tell you how strong they'd be
If a million soldiers came by and forced me to renounce
I would say I would choose death,
And you would believe me.

But when I see the one I love
And I view his crooked grin,
I wonder what I'd be willing to do
For him to fall in love with me.

I think of all my values
All the things that I most prize
And I'm not sure if it's a realization
Or a fear, but I...
I'm not sure what my limit'd be
For him to fall in love with me.