I come from a large family
And the house was never empty
Quiet
Alone
And that was normal.
We all lived in the same state
And it was unusual to go more than a week
Without each other's company
Shared meals
Games
Talk
And that was normal.
I went to public school
And all my friends lived close by
So the weekends were full of sleepovers
Hangouts
Games
Laughter
And that was normal.
We all had the same classes
We all had the same teachers
Our lockers stood
Side by side
Our meals were all together
And that was normal.
And then middle school started.
And then high school started.
We all had the same classes
But the times were different
The teachers changed
Lunches were sporadic
We were lucky
If we had time
And that was normal.
But we rode the same bus
But we still spent the weekends together
But we still studied together
But we still made an effort
To have every second
Together
And that was normal.
Holidays were the most important
Everyone gave every effort
Time
Energy
Dedication
We gave it all
Willingly
And that was normal.
We loved each other
We hated each other
But life without each other?
Unimaginable
A day without each other?
Unfathomable
Hours without our inside jokes?
Dreaded above all else
And that was normal.
We were different
We were the same
We bridged our differences
Found peace in the company
Found joy in the experiences had
And that was normal.
Summers were long
Dreary
We spent the weeks together
We journeyed to the mountains
To the park
To the zoo
To the houses of our parents
And that was normal.
Time without my group?
My gang?
My friends?
My family?
My enemies?
My lovers?
My crushes?
My school mates?
My teachers?
My parents?
My siblings?
My club mates?
That would have been abnormal.
We were always together.
7am to 3pm we were together at school
3pm to 7pm we were together
Daily? Of course
On weekends we gathered at noon
Parting only when we were forced to
Usually the next day
Parents complaining
And that was normal.
Now...
High school has ended.
(Like a long happy dream
That your body is waking from
Against your strongest wishes
To stay submerged in bliss)
I could go days without seeing anyone
No one would notice my absence
For my time is varied
And everyone is too busy
To live
And that is normal.
Instead of spending 10 hours a day with everyone I know
Every day
And hearing no complaints
And feeling no regret
At wasting their time
Instead I spend two or three hours of stolen time
With one or two
Once in a while
Hearing complaints
Feeling corrupt
For wasting their time
And that is normal.
Everything that was important is not
Parties
Holidays
Birthdays
Life events
And that is normal.
I lived for these things
I hosted in fine attire
Offering a banquet
Providing quality fun
Playing games
Cards
Movies
Role play
Board games
Video games
Singing
We were always doing something
There was no uncertainty
There was no unwillingness
To have a bit of fun...
The opposite has settled in
And that is normal.
Life has gotten harder
Friendships have dwindled away
The intimacy that I used to have
Thwarted at every turn
Whatever happened to my 400 hugs a day?
The reason for the change
Is always the same
Busy
And that is normal.
I wonder what will be normal next.
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Poetry: Starting Line
I sympathize with the starting line.
The race about to start
The trembling of fingers caressing its paint
The tensed muscles in the leg
Ready to spring forward
And then they do
The line is left behind
Wondering
Who will I start next?
That is me.
I am that line.
I start the process
But I get left behind
Quickly
Not forgotten, no
But not the end goal
Not the desire
Of their hearts
Like a catalyst
I am useful
But I am not a product
And I won't be there when
When products are formed
I'll be your first
But I won't be your last
But I won't still the noise in your heart
But I won't become what you need
What you settle for
What you dream of
I never am.
First kiss?
Okay
First love?
Okay
First friend?
Okay
First sibling?
Okay
First person to experience something with you?
Okay
First this
First that
But
Not the last.
You're not my first
I'm too busy being everyone's first
To have my own
But I'm your first.
Doesn't that make make me special?
I'll be a treasured memory
As you look back upon your journey
Your voyage of life
A little boost
A little assistance
In the right direction
The old man on the side of the road
The kindly grandmother
Who had the right words to say
Pray tell,
Is that worth remembering?
I like to think of the starting line as needed
Where it all began
Before which
Nothing happened
There was stillness
There was quiet
Nervous apprehension
Waiting
The boundary was crossed
This simple line
A boundary in mind alone
Crossing frees you
Giddy?
You spring forward
Crossing helped you see the end goal
You always wanted it
But now your vision's clear
Faster, faster
Running?
No, running is too slow
Perhaps sprinting?
Unbounded by time or distance
Charging
It's not that you can't wait
To be rid of me
It's that you can't wait
To be at the end line
Who looks just like me.
The race about to start
The trembling of fingers caressing its paint
The tensed muscles in the leg
Ready to spring forward
And then they do
The line is left behind
Wondering
Who will I start next?
That is me.
I am that line.
I start the process
But I get left behind
Quickly
Not forgotten, no
But not the end goal
Not the desire
Of their hearts
Like a catalyst
I am useful
But I am not a product
And I won't be there when
When products are formed
I'll be your first
But I won't be your last
But I won't still the noise in your heart
But I won't become what you need
What you settle for
What you dream of
I never am.
First kiss?
Okay
First love?
Okay
First friend?
Okay
First sibling?
Okay
First person to experience something with you?
Okay
First this
First that
But
Not the last.
You're not my first
I'm too busy being everyone's first
To have my own
But I'm your first.
Doesn't that make make me special?
I'll be a treasured memory
As you look back upon your journey
Your voyage of life
A little boost
A little assistance
In the right direction
The old man on the side of the road
The kindly grandmother
Who had the right words to say
Pray tell,
Is that worth remembering?
I like to think of the starting line as needed
Where it all began
Before which
Nothing happened
There was stillness
There was quiet
Nervous apprehension
Waiting
The boundary was crossed
This simple line
A boundary in mind alone
Crossing frees you
Giddy?
You spring forward
Crossing helped you see the end goal
You always wanted it
But now your vision's clear
Faster, faster
Running?
No, running is too slow
Perhaps sprinting?
Unbounded by time or distance
Charging
It's not that you can't wait
To be rid of me
It's that you can't wait
To be at the end line
Who looks just like me.
Poetry: Oak
Standing there
Super tall
Quiet and serene
You're not blaspheming heaven.
Though your height...
Doesn't it rival
The Tower of Babylon?
I wonder.
How long did it take to grow?
What memories of the past
Lay inscribed on your being?
You must be weary.
Each season comes the same
Leaves fall
Flowers blossom
Fruit grows too.
Do you mourn their deaths?
Each offspring of yours
Failing life
How much depth is there to you?
You are strong
That comes at a price
I wonder
What did it cost for your might?
I guess I'm overthinking again
I guess I'm rambling again
I guess I'm confused again
So I guess this is goodbye.
Oh, hefty oak tree.
Super tall
Quiet and serene
You're not blaspheming heaven.
Though your height...
Doesn't it rival
The Tower of Babylon?
I wonder.
How long did it take to grow?
What memories of the past
Lay inscribed on your being?
You must be weary.
Each season comes the same
Leaves fall
Flowers blossom
Fruit grows too.
Do you mourn their deaths?
Each offspring of yours
Failing life
How much depth is there to you?
You are strong
That comes at a price
I wonder
What did it cost for your might?
I guess I'm overthinking again
I guess I'm rambling again
I guess I'm confused again
So I guess this is goodbye.
Oh, hefty oak tree.
Poetry: Face
If I could only have part of you,
I would ask for your face.
It's my favorite.
The expressions...
The smiles...
The personality...
How can I so easily forget
Something that I love so much?
I would ask for your face.
I would ask for your face.
It's my favorite.
The expressions...
The smiles...
The personality...
How can I so easily forget
Something that I love so much?
I would ask for your face.
Saturday, March 26, 2016
Poetry: Barren
The world is dim
The sun shines bright
The birds sing
The children laugh
But the world is dim
Is it my eyes?
Can I not see?
I know my heart feels hollow
It has been chiseled out
I want to cry
I can't
I know my head feels dizzy
It pounds, a drum signaling war
I want to faint
I can't
I know my life is empty
I wake to see no one
I want to interact
I can't
I know my love is futile
It lands on secured hearts
I want to open them
I can't
The world is dim
And I, naught but a speck
A single speck of dust
Drifting through the wind
Purposeless
Directionless
Lifeless
Useless
To realize yourself...
Is this a good thing?
I'm so confused
Sorrow burdens my heart, my head
I feel weak
I need to lay down
This much gloom...
Should it be possible for a single person to bear?
The world is dim
My womb barren
Perhaps it is a symbol...
The life I lead
Perhaps it's my eyes
My barren eyes.
The sun shines bright
The birds sing
The children laugh
But the world is dim
Is it my eyes?
Can I not see?
I know my heart feels hollow
It has been chiseled out
I want to cry
I can't
I know my head feels dizzy
It pounds, a drum signaling war
I want to faint
I can't
I know my life is empty
I wake to see no one
I want to interact
I can't
I know my love is futile
It lands on secured hearts
I want to open them
I can't
The world is dim
And I, naught but a speck
A single speck of dust
Drifting through the wind
Purposeless
Directionless
Lifeless
Useless
To realize yourself...
Is this a good thing?
I'm so confused
Sorrow burdens my heart, my head
I feel weak
I need to lay down
This much gloom...
Should it be possible for a single person to bear?
The world is dim
My womb barren
Perhaps it is a symbol...
The life I lead
Perhaps it's my eyes
My barren eyes.
Friday, March 25, 2016
Essay: Sense of Place
Sense of Place
*Names have been abbreviated to single letters that do not represent the actual names for privacy reasons.
When the As were living in Y, my father was born a twin, so they named him K2 and his sister K1. Their next child was a boy; they named him K3. Now, Y was full of lots of people with strong opinions and neighbors complained of KKK affiliations due to the names of the A children. So, when the fourth child was a boy, they named him K4 to have four K’s instead of three. Their next child was a girl whom they named K5 to be on the safe side. At this point in time, my poor grandparents were sick of names that began with the letter K so they named their next two children N because she was born around Christmas and NP to keep the family initials “NPA” alive. The last two children, S and R, were born after they moved to G and so the Mormon influence caused them to give their last two children Biblical names.
When my grandma F was pregnant with my mother, she was also pregnant with twins. (This means that the probability that I will have twins or triplets is astoundingly high compared to the average person!) She decided to name the two girls C and L so that they would have the same name. However, five months into the pregnancy, my aunt died in vivo and so my mother was born alone. A few years later her parents were to have a boy and because they live in D, they were heavily influenced by sports culture and wanted a football player of a son. They debated the names “K” and “B” until his birth date when he was named B. Uncle B later went on to marry a woman named the female version of B so I guess the right name was chosen.
In the year 2000, my uncle K3 was shot to death by an elderly couple who were his roommates. They had fallen behind on rent and grew agitated when he started asking them about the rent money. Every year on his birthday and death date, we go to his gravesite and recall stories of his life and spunkiness. I have no personal memories of this dead uncle of mine but I have heard so many stories that I know who he was as if I did. Uncle K3 was the odd-ball of the family who lacked all social understanding. When he was young, he would take the bus system to explore different parts of the city and would not come back home until late in the evening, getting caught up in the excitement. Like uncle K4, uncle K3 was also taller than my father and so my father received hand-me-downs from his brothers instead of the other way around. After my brother and I were born, uncle K3 bought an M&M figurine for us. Apparently he had deep affection for us that we reciprocated.
In the 1600’s the Ps came to the colonies. Shortly thereafter in the early 1700’s, the Fs followed. By mid 1700’s the Ts and As had joined them. The Fs settled in Y. The Ts and As settled in X. The Ps traveled all the way to D, outside the jurisdiction of the colonies after helping to create the Declaration of Independence. But no, there is no ancestral signature on the document because they had the flu that month, thanks for asking. Consequently when somebody asks me where I come from how can I say anything but the United States? All of my blood has been here from the start. If you go back far enough into my bloodline, you find that my last name is Dutch and that a majority of my ancestors were German. But I am not Dutch and I am not German. Nothing that makes those cultures and peoples who they are applies to me. So, who am I? That requires a recent history.
The Ts and the As lived in X. My Great Grandfather was born in 1920 and served in the Korean War. Before he was deployed, he met a young woman via friends and they became pen pals while he served in Europe. After he returned to the United States, he married her and moved out to W. And that is the basics of the story of how they met since they consider everything prior to their marriage their introductory encounter. The Ts moved to W a few years after. My grandma and grandpa A met at a church preschool program hosted by the Newman Center on the University of W campus. He thought she was so pretty that he signed up. A few months later she changed her last name from T to A. They moved to Y for a while but after about 15 years decided to settle in G, just in time for my father to start high school.
The Fs lived in J but with job prospects comes relocation so my great grandfather F moved to D. My grandma and grandpa F both lived in D their entire lives. However, after my grandfather served in Vietnam for a year, he went to DC in the springtime to train in the FBI fingerprint training program, which was a new and exciting prospect. Waiting in the same line as him was my grandmother. He approached her and told her seriously that one day she would be his wife because apparently he had dreamt about his future spouse before and knew that she was it. She thought he was crazy but married him that November anyway. They moved back to D and have lived there since.
My father joined the Army Reserves under an extended 6 year enlistment while attending university in W due to familial connections. My mother grew up in the state of D but did not want to go to school instate. She instead went to the University of W due to its proximity to her parents’ house. They met at InterVarsity— a nondenominational Christian group that no longer exists on that campus— and he found out that she was staying in his twin sister’s old dorm room. After a few social visits with some friends, he started to pursue her until she relented to dating him. A few months later my father went on a 17-day tour in Panama and returned to get married. They moved to G so that he could get his Masters in Computer Engineering and never left. So why am I here at the University of W? Because I am a 4th generation college student at this University on my father’s side, 2nd generation on my mother’s and the entirety of my family history has led up to this moment and this place.
Who am I? I am an A. If you knew my extended family on my father’s side, that would be all that you would ever need to know because of their deep influence on my life. I am also a Roman Catholic who has come from long lines of the faith and while certain members have fallen away, that line remains strong. I am a dweller of the RM like my ancestors before me. I am an American. My family has lived the entire history of the United States thereby how can I not say that it belongs to me? What am I not? I am not an immigrant. All of my family crossed the ocean barrier before this land became a country so I am not an immigrant because they did not come to a formalized country, they came to English territory. They came as colonists who watched this country form. I am not Caucasian. To trace back to a time where you could incorrectly argue that idea, you would have to go back more than 400 years. If anything, my ancestors were Germanic. But I am not Germanic for that history is too far removed to mean anything of value. Honestly, who I am is not yet known. My individual path to follow is based on the lessons that have been left behind for me but lessons are not answers, merely guidance. As the As and the Fs before me discovered themselves and became the people that they are at this University, so must I do the same. Who am I? The world may yet learn.
When I was deciding on which University to attend, the one factor that swayed my mind in the U1 versus U2 debate was a simple building: The Engineering Hall. A majority of the men in my family are computer engineers while most of the women are teachers. As such, no other group of people feel more homey than a cluster of computer scientists. When I was touring the University of W, part of the tour entered the Engineering Hall and I was immediately captivated by the familiarity of a place I had not yet visited and people I had never known. It was immediately family as I recognized the same characteristics in them that I know and love in my uncles and my father’s coworkers. I could imagine myself spending my days and my nights curled up on one of the couches, getting homework help from an engineer, and basically living in that dimly lit building. It was comforting, it was safe. Now, I have not spent any time in that building outside of classes and I doubt I ever will but the initial welcome of it settled into my mind that W would be my home. Ever since, parts of this campus have affected me in various ways causing the little town of T to be a place of serenity.
W is a temporary home, a temporary refuge. Once I finish school I will not belong inside the town and will be cast away like an annoyance. The knowledge of its provisional existence in my life distances its ability to remain a comfort for fear of the day that I will be uprooted and leave.
Such is the case for most places of comfort. When I lived in N there was a park near the house that I would frequent. In that park is a tree that I loved to lay next to while reading in the day’s sunlight. I have a lot of memories of spending time in that park as a child and all of the adventures that ensued. I belonged to that park and it was mine. We moved during my ninth grade year to R and I left that park behind. Going back to that neighborhood and the places that I spent so much time makes me remember the halcyon days of my youth and I treasure that location because of my history with it… but it is no longer home. Home is bound by the periods in life and when one begins another ends. Many places have been my home, my solace, but only one is home.
Belonging to a place is often tied with the people that encompass that area. What made G my home was my family and the friends that filled my school days with laughter. N was my home because of the experiences that I went through with the people that mattered to me. I knew the University would be my home because of the people that I found within. During my time at the University of W my friend group has changed drastically, consisting of the girls that lived on my dorm floor to people that I hold value in and share more of the college experience with. Without these people in my life, I could not call W my home. This place of refuge is tied intimately to those that also lodge there. W is home because my friends are my home. When they finish their schooling and leave W, W will no longer be home but rather a memory of a past habitation.
I am as I was raised. I am obstinate because I was raised by stubborn parents. I am a mountain dweller because it is all that I have ever known. I am Catholic because my family is. I am fiercely loyal to this University and all that is inside its boundaries because of familial connections to this location. Where do I belong? I belong to the places that remind me of what I know. I belong to the people that fill my memories and the people that will. I belong to the locations that feel like home but what I accept as that comfort is solely up to my personal preference which is influenced by my past. Whether or not I belong depends on whether or not I feel like I should. The real question lies in what I accept as my defender, my protector, my solace from trouble; the fortress that shields my heart. What am I willing to make my home?
Thursday, March 24, 2016
Poetry: Price
First you have to make a choice.
But I won't tell you all of the options.
Or the consequences.
Make a choice.
To be a friend means to give up your heart.
To give up your heart puts you at risk of heart break.
So your heart aches.
Every day.
Fearing the day it shatters.
But.
You have a friend.
And sometimes
You'll have special moments of peace.
And in these moments your heart is full.
And nothing can hurt you.
(Except for them)
To choose between passion and financial stability.
To choose between responsibility and love.
To choose between your desires and the wants of others.
To choose between security and potentially everything you've ever wanted.
It all comes at a price.
I have a favorite spot to eat.
But no one else likes sitting there.
So I don't... on the off-hand potential that
They might sit with me.
I haven't sat there in over a year.
Sometimes I dream about sitting there again.
I contemplate what it would feel like
To be there again.
I'm not sure I'll ever go back.
My closest friend struck a blow today.
It hurt.
Hard.
It might have bruised my heart.
Maybe I need to see a doctor?
He mentioned that after he gets a girl that
I can't dominate his time
Any longer.
That I'll just slip away
Into the distance
Into nothingness.
As somebody from his past...
Who used to matter.
Just a memory...
Just some chick.
Who used to fill your day with laughter.
(Do you think I don't know that?!
Let me break my heart my way and don't worry about me.
It has to be done and you know it. So stop.
Trust me on this.)
Let me treasure the time that I do have.
I know it won't last!
That's why it's so important.
That's why I can't go.
I just want the present to last as long as possible.
I'm always the friend
That lasts one season.
Then I'm gone from your life.
I know that.
Why can't you just let me treasure it before the wind changes?
I know the cost!
Let me pay it.
A lack of motivation
Will cause grades to plummet, jobs to be lost.
A lack of intimacy
Will make a heart harden.
A lack of time
Will make the entirety of you weary.
A lack of standards
Will make you meretricious.
Maybe that's all I am.
The price I pay to live my day is high.
On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being crucifixion and 1 being perfect wellbeing in every regard...
My daily physical pain is a 4.
If my curse acts up; 6.
And they all tell me to take drugs!
(If I take drugs for pain, I'll never stop!)
Life is pain.
Grin and bear it.
Smile through.
Man up and deal with it.
They don't need to know.
Frankly, knowing or not doesn't change a thing.
It's my fee.
I once owned a dog.
She died by liver cancer on the 30th of November.
So I got another dog to replace the company.
The new dog favors men too much to pay me any mind.
All I am to her is access to a bed to sleep on.
This is the price I pay.
This is my ransom.
Every day
Every way
I choose.
And these choices are hard to make.
And these choices cause so much grief.
No one understands my logic.
No one understands my reasoning.
And no one understands why I choose to live this way.
But that's okay.
This is the price I pay.
But I won't tell you all of the options.
Or the consequences.
Make a choice.
To be a friend means to give up your heart.
To give up your heart puts you at risk of heart break.
So your heart aches.
Every day.
Fearing the day it shatters.
But.
You have a friend.
And sometimes
You'll have special moments of peace.
And in these moments your heart is full.
And nothing can hurt you.
(Except for them)
To choose between passion and financial stability.
To choose between responsibility and love.
To choose between your desires and the wants of others.
To choose between security and potentially everything you've ever wanted.
It all comes at a price.
I have a favorite spot to eat.
But no one else likes sitting there.
So I don't... on the off-hand potential that
They might sit with me.
I haven't sat there in over a year.
Sometimes I dream about sitting there again.
I contemplate what it would feel like
To be there again.
I'm not sure I'll ever go back.
My closest friend struck a blow today.
It hurt.
Hard.
It might have bruised my heart.
Maybe I need to see a doctor?
He mentioned that after he gets a girl that
I can't dominate his time
Any longer.
That I'll just slip away
Into the distance
Into nothingness.
As somebody from his past...
Who used to matter.
Just a memory...
Just some chick.
Who used to fill your day with laughter.
(Do you think I don't know that?!
Let me break my heart my way and don't worry about me.
It has to be done and you know it. So stop.
Trust me on this.)
Let me treasure the time that I do have.
I know it won't last!
That's why it's so important.
That's why I can't go.
I just want the present to last as long as possible.
I'm always the friend
That lasts one season.
Then I'm gone from your life.
I know that.
Why can't you just let me treasure it before the wind changes?
I know the cost!
Let me pay it.
A lack of motivation
Will cause grades to plummet, jobs to be lost.
A lack of intimacy
Will make a heart harden.
A lack of time
Will make the entirety of you weary.
A lack of standards
Will make you meretricious.
Maybe that's all I am.
The price I pay to live my day is high.
On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being crucifixion and 1 being perfect wellbeing in every regard...
My daily physical pain is a 4.
If my curse acts up; 6.
And they all tell me to take drugs!
(If I take drugs for pain, I'll never stop!)
Life is pain.
Grin and bear it.
Smile through.
Man up and deal with it.
They don't need to know.
Frankly, knowing or not doesn't change a thing.
It's my fee.
I once owned a dog.
She died by liver cancer on the 30th of November.
So I got another dog to replace the company.
The new dog favors men too much to pay me any mind.
All I am to her is access to a bed to sleep on.
This is the price I pay.
This is my ransom.
Every day
Every way
I choose.
And these choices are hard to make.
And these choices cause so much grief.
No one understands my logic.
No one understands my reasoning.
And no one understands why I choose to live this way.
But that's okay.
This is the price I pay.
Sunday, March 20, 2016
Poetry: Sheltering Pain
I am strong
I am independent
Of the weaknesses of my body
I laugh
This is how I bear illness
This is how I bear pain
This is how I bear life
Such is not the case
Any longer
Where do you run?
When there is no more track?
Where do you turn?
When you're on a small winding road with no exits?
Where do you hide?
When you're in the middle of the plains with naught but grass for miles?
All I know
Is denial.
Faced with these harsh facts
I cannot
Deny
This condition
Is not a little thing to laugh at
This condition
Will not pass with time and endurance
This condition
Can only get worse.
My only coping mechanism
Ruined
Useless
Demolished
Laughable
Isn't it?
That one
As strong as me
As capable as me
As sustainable as me
Crumpled
What am I to do?
How do I tell them?
I don't want them to know
But I should tell them
Would knowing
Or
Ignorance of reason with effect shown
Be worse?
I don't want their concern.
It's unavoidable
It's facing reality
And just as I had to conquer my denial
My obstinance
My refusal
To be sick
To be weak
To be something inconvenient to me
Their ignorance must also be conquered
This battle is not one I am pleased to fight.
But
I am strong
I am independent
Of the weaknesses of my body
I laugh
This is how I bear illness
This is how I bear pain
This is how I bear life
They will know my physical pains
But how it shames me
Is a secret locked in my heart.
I am independent
Of the weaknesses of my body
I laugh
This is how I bear illness
This is how I bear pain
This is how I bear life
Such is not the case
Any longer
Where do you run?
When there is no more track?
Where do you turn?
When you're on a small winding road with no exits?
Where do you hide?
When you're in the middle of the plains with naught but grass for miles?
All I know
Is denial.
Faced with these harsh facts
I cannot
Deny
This condition
Is not a little thing to laugh at
This condition
Will not pass with time and endurance
This condition
Can only get worse.
My only coping mechanism
Ruined
Useless
Demolished
Laughable
Isn't it?
That one
As strong as me
As capable as me
As sustainable as me
Crumpled
What am I to do?
How do I tell them?
I don't want them to know
But I should tell them
Would knowing
Or
Ignorance of reason with effect shown
Be worse?
I don't want their concern.
It's unavoidable
It's facing reality
And just as I had to conquer my denial
My obstinance
My refusal
To be sick
To be weak
To be something inconvenient to me
Their ignorance must also be conquered
This battle is not one I am pleased to fight.
But
I am strong
I am independent
Of the weaknesses of my body
I laugh
This is how I bear illness
This is how I bear pain
This is how I bear life
They will know my physical pains
But how it shames me
Is a secret locked in my heart.
Thursday, March 17, 2016
Poetry: Pushed
I am being pushed
Hard
Ouch
I stumble
Was that the right direction?
The force was too strong
I couldn't tell
Did I sidewind
When I should have gone straight?
The pushing has stopped
Have I arrived?
Am I where I need to be?
Or have I drifted that far off course?
I am lost
Push
Where did that come from?
Which direction was that supposed to take me?
My series of questions and doubts and fears and concerns
Answered
But my senses are not acute
I know I am being pulled
Pushed
Thrown
Hassled
One way is better
Which way do I go?
How many times have I messed up?
I keep going sideways
Am I supposed to?
How many times has he corrected for my mess?
PUSH
I fall
Great
Now what?
Do I stay here?
Am I really this dense?
Black and white isn't plain enough
I'm frustrated
Like a dyslexic learning to read
It's supposed to make sense
It's supposed to useful
It's supposed to a guide
But it's not
Maybe I'm meant to be lost
Push...
Hard
Ouch
I stumble
Was that the right direction?
The force was too strong
I couldn't tell
Did I sidewind
When I should have gone straight?
The pushing has stopped
Have I arrived?
Am I where I need to be?
Or have I drifted that far off course?
I am lost
Push
Where did that come from?
Which direction was that supposed to take me?
My series of questions and doubts and fears and concerns
Answered
But my senses are not acute
I know I am being pulled
Pushed
Thrown
Hassled
One way is better
Which way do I go?
How many times have I messed up?
I keep going sideways
Am I supposed to?
How many times has he corrected for my mess?
PUSH
I fall
Great
Now what?
Do I stay here?
Am I really this dense?
Black and white isn't plain enough
I'm frustrated
Like a dyslexic learning to read
It's supposed to make sense
It's supposed to useful
It's supposed to a guide
But it's not
Maybe I'm meant to be lost
Push...
Poetry: Those Pants
There he was
The man
I knew I'd meet him eventually
I didn't know him
His face?
Unfamiliar
His walk?
Foreign
His mannerisms?
Unexpected
But those pants?
I'd know them any where
I saw them
Once
In a dream
The man
I knew I'd meet him eventually
I didn't know him
His face?
Unfamiliar
His walk?
Foreign
His mannerisms?
Unexpected
But those pants?
I'd know them any where
I saw them
Once
In a dream
Monday, March 14, 2016
Essay: Reforming the Electoral College
Reforming the Electoral College
The United States Constitution was written to change the way government would function in the nation due to problems with the Articles of Confederation. Among these changes came an idea called the ‘electoral college’. The electoral college is a system that determines presidency using an indirect voting method whereupon electors consider the votes of the people and vote accordingly. The electoral college has been an issue of debate for a long time. Andrew Jackson spoke of his desires to abolish the system and replace it with a popular vote when he first became president. (Boerner) Since then, many different people and groups have advocated for its dissolution and replacement. The most popular ideas of replacement include popular vote and split voting in all states. These demands for change cannot be ignored for much longer. One reason why so many vote Independent is because the people have become dissatisfied with what is offered. Before choosing a side, the voting systems mentioned will be compared.
The electoral college allows 538 electors to vote for president. They usually vote based on what the majority of their district wants but there is no true obligation to do so. In 48 states and District of Columbia, it is a winner-take-all system so if 49% of the population votes for A but 51% votes for B; B will get all the electoral votes in that state. Sometimes the person who gets the majority of votes in the electoral college does not get popular vote, making them a minority president. This fact has been an issue of concern regarding the voting process. In “Adam Ruins Everything”, Conover explains how this system favors smaller states over larger so that your location determines how much your vote counts. Another problem he addresses is that the 11 swing states completely control the election so that, “in recent elections up to 80% of all the votes cast in America had no impact on the outcome.” (Conover) While the electoral college can act as a failsafe against mob rule or idiotic voters, it is so separated from the people that there may as well not even be citizen voting in most cases.
The electoral college allows 538 electors to vote for president. They usually vote based on what the majority of their district wants but there is no true obligation to do so. In 48 states and District of Columbia, it is a winner-take-all system so if 49% of the population votes for A but 51% votes for B; B will get all the electoral votes in that state. Sometimes the person who gets the majority of votes in the electoral college does not get popular vote, making them a minority president. This fact has been an issue of concern regarding the voting process. In “Adam Ruins Everything”, Conover explains how this system favors smaller states over larger so that your location determines how much your vote counts. Another problem he addresses is that the 11 swing states completely control the election so that, “in recent elections up to 80% of all the votes cast in America had no impact on the outcome.” (Conover) While the electoral college can act as a failsafe against mob rule or idiotic voters, it is so separated from the people that there may as well not even be citizen voting in most cases.
Splitting electoral votes has been mentioned as a compromise between direct democratic voting and the electoral system in that the minority party in a state would not be overshadowed but instead could make an impact. These method is currently used in Maine and Nebraska as a way to let the electoral votes be more representative of their populations. If this method were applied to all 50 states, presidential candidates would be forced to focus on more than just the swing states (which would no longer apply) and the electoral votes would more accurately represent the population’s desires while still using the electoral system to keep mob rule in check. However, this method would still not account for a majority of the problems concerning the electoral college as location would still be a factor on voter impact. This method also splits the votes regarding success in each district rather than the state as a whole so gerrymandering could potentially make this system the same as the electoral system that we operate under now.
The voting process that most people advocate for is a popular vote whereupon the people can directly elect the president based on their numbers without their location being a factor. Advocates for this system explain that a direct democratic vote would best represent the people’s interests. However, there are only half a million people in Wyoming but over 20 million people in Texas. (Netstate) This method of voting would disenfranchise those who live in less densely populated states because candidates would focus their campaigns efforts on more populated cities. This method also gives into mob rule whereupon the majority can silence the voice of the minority by sheer number, depriving them of their rights. While this method would be closest to a direct democracy, a direct democracy would lead to mob rule and democracy is a system that the founders did not want or intend upon creating our nation as several of them were critical of democracy and it is not mentioned in the Constitution. Instead, the founders wanted a republic.
The voting process that most people advocate for is a popular vote whereupon the people can directly elect the president based on their numbers without their location being a factor. Advocates for this system explain that a direct democratic vote would best represent the people’s interests. However, there are only half a million people in Wyoming but over 20 million people in Texas. (Netstate) This method of voting would disenfranchise those who live in less densely populated states because candidates would focus their campaigns efforts on more populated cities. This method also gives into mob rule whereupon the majority can silence the voice of the minority by sheer number, depriving them of their rights. While this method would be closest to a direct democracy, a direct democracy would lead to mob rule and democracy is a system that the founders did not want or intend upon creating our nation as several of them were critical of democracy and it is not mentioned in the Constitution. Instead, the founders wanted a republic.
A republic is, “a state in which the sovereign power resides in the whole body of the people, and is exercised by representatives elected by them; a commonwealth.” (Webster) The purpose of voting therefore, was to get people into office that most accurately represented the scale of the people’s desires for government. If four people were running for president and everyone’s number two choice was person B but for first choice 10% wanted A, 50% wanted C, and 40% wanted D and those who didn’t vote for C were as adamantly opposed to C being the next president as those who were voting for them… under our current system C would win even though as a republic, B should have. Our current system does not factor this in. The main replacement ideas do not factor this in either.
The electoral college is flawed. Most ideas on how to fix the voting system are just as flawed. This one probably is too. The first issue to be addressed is the ballot. The ballot should be organized so that it is clear to read and isn’t written in a way that will promote party voting. All voting decisions on the ballot should be mandatory to answer, even if that answer is ‘I don’t care’. The ballot should include a picture of each candidate with a short description written by them about what they stand for and what they hope to achieve. All voting issues should have a short paragraph in laymen terms (such as bills needing to be passed) for the uneducated voter. Regarding voting for candidates, it should not be multiple choice but instead “rank your top 3”. We have computers; this change should not make voting any more difficult to deal with. After this is implemented we should wait a few election cycles to see the impact to decide how the electoral college will inevitably be overturned.
Works Cited
Boerner, Gerald. “Today in History…” Prof. Boerner’s Explorations. 13 April 2011. Web. 18 November 2015. http://www.boerner.net/jboerner/?p=18114
Class and discussion.
Class and discussion.
Conover, Adam. “Adam Ruins Everything - Why the Electoral College Ruins Democracy”. truTV. 9 November 2015. Web. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90RajY2nrgk
Netstate. “50 States Populations.” netstate.com/ 2001. Web.
http://www.netstate.com/states/tables/st_population.htm
Webster Dictionary.
http://www.netstate.com/states/tables/st_population.htm
Webster Dictionary.
Essay: Chinese Culture via Films
Exploring Chinese Culture Through Filmography
Movies express the ideals and realities that exist within a society. What are considered priorities and acts of heroism can be conveyed by which movies are released and become popular. In the United States popular movies would include superheroes, the western cowboy, and secret agents— examples of vigilantes who are self-made, self-reliant, living their own sense of justice and morality. In China, the movies convey a different brand of person as their hero because the ideologies of a country influence what type of people are held in high regard. The main characters in the films shown portray valued aspects of Daoism, Confucianism, and Buddhism. These characters are the heroes because they live the ideals of Chinese society while from a Western perspective the same characteristics that make these characters great to the Chinese are considered weak traits that hold these characters back from their individual potential.
In the film “Hua Mulan” (2009), Mulan embodies the patriotism of the Chinese people by putting her nationalism above her own trepidations of war and the man whom she loves. While initially hesitant to take on the duties of general, she realizes that she must live the path that she was given in order to save her many comrade-in-arms. Anatomy of the Chinese Business Mind describes such a phenomenon as, “wu wei or ‘take no action,’ follow Dao (“The Way”), and act naturally rather than willfully oppose or tamper with how reality is moving.” (p. 48) Since Mulan is a general, she must act like one for the sake of the soldiers that are under her command. At the end of the story, she chooses to lose the man that she loves in an arranged marriage in order to end the conflict and bring peace to China. This self-sacrifice is distinctly a part of Chinese culture as they value collectivism. Her decision to let him go to end the war shows strong personal sacrifice for the greater good, a fundamental aspect of Buddhist thinking as, “existence is suffering.” (BLTC, 1) Her resolve strengthens in the movie from that of an individualistic thinker to one who placed the needs of her country and its countrymen above herself. Once she was able to embrace this philosophy unreservedly, her troops became very successful in battle and only then was she able to be a hero for China.
In an American movie, Mulan would have married Wentai even at the cost of continued warfare and they would have survived even if China itself fell to its enemies. The movie “Hua Mulan” encompasses ideas of unity and personal sacrifice while a hero from the United States would exhibit personal strength that can overcome the realities that society gives them. For example, “The Lone Ranger”. One of the greatest heroes known in the United States, this average citizen takes on the role of a vigilante and deals with the problem of local outlaws due to the sheriff and deputy being inadequate to deal with the criminals. He fights his reality and refuses to yield to the obstacles given to him, coming up triumphant and preserving the town alone based solely on his character. His only companion is his traveling guide, Tonto, whom he rarely relies upon for assistance. He is justice, he is moral, and he does it himself. These are the aspirations of the American people. United only in the sense that it is easier to accomplish personal goals with an assistance from others, Americans are self-serving and prefer to live by their own sense of morality instead of what society deems acceptable.
According to politifact, “Carter said that more than 70 percent of American adults have committed a crime that could lead to imprisonment. Based on a strictly technical reading of existing laws, the consensus among the legal experts we reached is that the number is reasonable. Way more than a majority of Americans have done something in their lives that runs afoul of some law that includes jail or prison time as a potential punishment.” (p. 4)
According to politifact, “Carter said that more than 70 percent of American adults have committed a crime that could lead to imprisonment. Based on a strictly technical reading of existing laws, the consensus among the legal experts we reached is that the number is reasonable. Way more than a majority of Americans have done something in their lives that runs afoul of some law that includes jail or prison time as a potential punishment.” (p. 4)
If this does not make sense, simply recall the case of Linda Barnette, a woman who stopped issuing marriage licenses because she did not support homosexual marriage. Or the case of Aaron Klein who lost his business instead of catering dessert for people whose lifestyles he did not approve of. Americans choose to live in opposition to society because of their personal morality. The heroes of their movies do so and they follow suit, living the same principles applied to their own lives. Valuing the vigilante who controls the justice system, a large group of United States citizens are willing to break the law in order to mold their environment to fit personal morality and values. Like Batman.
For a Chinese individual, this is not the case. “In many ways the Chinese view themselves more as part of a family rather than an independent individual,” (Anatomy of the Chinese Business Mind, p. 37) By viewing themselves as part of a larger whole, the Chinese are willing to give up many things for the sake of this harmony that an American would deem unthinkable. For example, in “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” (2000) Li Mu Bai and Yu Shu Lien are deeply in love with each other but neither of them are willing to start a relationship out of respect for Li’s dead master. Until Li manages requital for the death of his master at the hands of Jade Fox, he cannot start a relationship with his love. Li Mu Bai is an honorable man with high morality in the film. This is shown by his inner peace which allow him to fight on top of bamboo and to easily overcome Jen’s fighting techniques. In contrast, Jade Fox is a woman who only thinks about her personal advancements instead of societal harmony and her role as a woman. Her fighting style is more wild and unrefined, making her relatively beatable. Since she is at a natural disadvantage due to her struggle with Daoism, she often resorts to poison to gain the upper hand. Her embodiment of Western ideology in her futile struggle to gain personal prestige in addition to her role as the main villain show that the characteristics that she portrays are not in line with Chinese ideology. The film shows peaceable people who live in harmony with each other and nature fighting in opposition to individualism and pride. As a communist-driven country, the people also live with reverence to harmony. In an American movie, Jade Fox would have been shown as a brave woman fighting the system and all of the other characters would have been characterized as being stubborn and oppressive to her individual capabilities.
In conclusion, the desired characteristics and motivations of a society are shown through their films. In the United States, the films often display characters of strong personal integrity and capability fighting against the world to secure their own position in life and to enforce their personal sense of right and wrong. This is reflective of a highly individualistic society that strongly promotes capitalism and personal achievement even at the cost of others. In China, the movies show characters that live in harmony with others and their environment who are forced to action by the chaos outside. Their display of congruity with their lives and accepting the roles that they were given is in line with the heavy influences of Daoism, Confucianism, and Buddhism that shape Chinese culture and thus the mindsets of those who dwell within. To understand a culture, the first step would to ask, Who are their heroes?
Works Cited
BLTC Research. "The Conquest of Suffering : Buddhism versus Utilitarianism." The Conquest of Suffering : Buddhism versus Utilitarianism. BLTC Research, 1995. Web. 12 March 2016. http://www.bltc.com/buddhism-suffering.html
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Dir. Ang Lee. Perf. Chen Chang and Michelle Yeoh. Sony Pictures Home Entertainment, 2000. DVD.
Greenberg, Jon. “Watch Out, 70% of us Have Done Something That Could Put us in Jail.”
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Dir. Ang Lee. Perf. Chen Chang and Michelle Yeoh. Sony Pictures Home Entertainment, 2000. DVD.
Greenberg, Jon. “Watch Out, 70% of us Have Done Something That Could Put us in Jail.”
politifact.com Politifact, 8 December 2014. Web. 12 March 2016.
http://www.politifact.com/punditfact/statements/2014/dec/08/stephen-carter/watch-out-70-us-have-done-something-could-put-us-j/
http://www.politifact.com/punditfact/statements/2014/dec/08/stephen-carter/watch-out-70-us-have-done-something-could-put-us-j/
Hua Mulan. Dir. Jingle Ma and Wei Dong. Perf. Wei Zhao and Kun Chen. Starlight International Media Group, 2009. DVD.
Yuan, Fangyuan, and Meiru Liu. Anatomy of the Chinese Business Mind: An Insider's Perspective. Singapore: Cengage Learning, 2009. Print.
Poetry: Confessions
After the life I've lived...
I feel as if I've done nothing
Been nothing
Seen nothing
And I've lied to myself
To make it seem
As if
As if something
A tiny spark
Had meaning
As if
As if someone
An insignificant person
Changed me
Everything I am
Everything I've done
Is a disguise
A lie
Tormented by emotions
Spiraling in self-doubt
Questioning my rationality
Hiding behind a mask
I confess
I live in fear
Who am I?
What am I to do?
Why was I born?
Is there meaning in my existence?
I know
There are those
Those who say
"I love you"
"You mean something to me"
Whatever.
You didn't need me
You still don't
What is love?
If not the ability to tell one
You mean the most to me
But I'd be fine if you left forever
Abandoning me to this harsh world
Because I can and will carry on
And the emotions that weigh my heart down
Will not
Can not
Shall not
Stop me
Can I say that?
Honestly?
I do not love without condition
Everything I do is for a profit
It's calculated
But
Sometimes it hurts
I have to choose whether to give up
My ventures
For
Emotional ease
Sometimes
I do
Mostly
I don't
Is it normal that life pains me in living it?
Is it normal that feeling happy brings regret?
Is it normal that in my life
I have never once been someone's friend?
They have always been mine
Your kindness makes me uneasy
Treat me like an animal, please
I beg you
Hit me
Abuse me
Call me a slob
A cheat
A good-for-nothing woman
Hurt me
Please
But don't
Don't you ever
I warn you
Don't you ever
Call me pretty
Whisper sweet nothings into my ear
Regally regard me
It makes me feel inadequate
It makes me feel like a cheat
It makes me feel like too good a fabricator
It makes me...
These kind deeds were not meant for me
I stole them
By stealing your time
By stealing your effort
Don't let me
Steal your heart
Don't let me
Become important
Don't let me
Waste your breath
Waste your time
Waste your effort
Waste your feelings
I am a black hole
And you
You, I will eat
Don't feed me first
For then my desire to consume you
Grows mightily
I am an ocean wave
I get larger
The closer I am to shore
Misdirect me
Run away from supposed freedom
Take your ship out to sea
Abandon me
To crash into the rocks
After the life I've lived...
I am but dust
Formed and shaped
And one day
After water weathers away
My layers of falsehoods
My emotions and dreams
My very fears
To dust
To dust I shall return.
I feel as if I've done nothing
Been nothing
Seen nothing
And I've lied to myself
To make it seem
As if
As if something
A tiny spark
Had meaning
As if
As if someone
An insignificant person
Changed me
Everything I am
Everything I've done
Is a disguise
A lie
Tormented by emotions
Spiraling in self-doubt
Questioning my rationality
Hiding behind a mask
I confess
I live in fear
Who am I?
What am I to do?
Why was I born?
Is there meaning in my existence?
I know
There are those
Those who say
"I love you"
"You mean something to me"
Whatever.
You didn't need me
You still don't
What is love?
If not the ability to tell one
You mean the most to me
But I'd be fine if you left forever
Abandoning me to this harsh world
Because I can and will carry on
And the emotions that weigh my heart down
Will not
Can not
Shall not
Stop me
Can I say that?
Honestly?
I do not love without condition
Everything I do is for a profit
It's calculated
But
Sometimes it hurts
I have to choose whether to give up
My ventures
For
Emotional ease
Sometimes
I do
Mostly
I don't
Is it normal that life pains me in living it?
Is it normal that feeling happy brings regret?
Is it normal that in my life
I have never once been someone's friend?
They have always been mine
Your kindness makes me uneasy
Treat me like an animal, please
I beg you
Hit me
Abuse me
Call me a slob
A cheat
A good-for-nothing woman
Hurt me
Please
But don't
Don't you ever
I warn you
Don't you ever
Call me pretty
Whisper sweet nothings into my ear
Regally regard me
It makes me feel inadequate
It makes me feel like a cheat
It makes me feel like too good a fabricator
It makes me...
These kind deeds were not meant for me
I stole them
By stealing your time
By stealing your effort
Don't let me
Steal your heart
Don't let me
Become important
Don't let me
Waste your breath
Waste your time
Waste your effort
Waste your feelings
I am a black hole
And you
You, I will eat
Don't feed me first
For then my desire to consume you
Grows mightily
I am an ocean wave
I get larger
The closer I am to shore
Misdirect me
Run away from supposed freedom
Take your ship out to sea
Abandon me
To crash into the rocks
After the life I've lived...
I am but dust
Formed and shaped
And one day
After water weathers away
My layers of falsehoods
My emotions and dreams
My very fears
To dust
To dust I shall return.
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