I am strong
I am independent
Of the weaknesses of my body
I laugh
This is how I bear illness
This is how I bear pain
This is how I bear life
Such is not the case
Any longer
Where do you run?
When there is no more track?
Where do you turn?
When you're on a small winding road with no exits?
Where do you hide?
When you're in the middle of the plains with naught but grass for miles?
All I know
Is denial.
Faced with these harsh facts
I cannot
Deny
This condition
Is not a little thing to laugh at
This condition
Will not pass with time and endurance
This condition
Can only get worse.
My only coping mechanism
Ruined
Useless
Demolished
Laughable
Isn't it?
That one
As strong as me
As capable as me
As sustainable as me
Crumpled
What am I to do?
How do I tell them?
I don't want them to know
But I should tell them
Would knowing
Or
Ignorance of reason with effect shown
Be worse?
I don't want their concern.
It's unavoidable
It's facing reality
And just as I had to conquer my denial
My obstinance
My refusal
To be sick
To be weak
To be something inconvenient to me
Their ignorance must also be conquered
This battle is not one I am pleased to fight.
But
I am strong
I am independent
Of the weaknesses of my body
I laugh
This is how I bear illness
This is how I bear pain
This is how I bear life
They will know my physical pains
But how it shames me
Is a secret locked in my heart.
Sunday, March 20, 2016
Thursday, March 17, 2016
Poetry: Pushed
I am being pushed
Hard
Ouch
I stumble
Was that the right direction?
The force was too strong
I couldn't tell
Did I sidewind
When I should have gone straight?
The pushing has stopped
Have I arrived?
Am I where I need to be?
Or have I drifted that far off course?
I am lost
Push
Where did that come from?
Which direction was that supposed to take me?
My series of questions and doubts and fears and concerns
Answered
But my senses are not acute
I know I am being pulled
Pushed
Thrown
Hassled
One way is better
Which way do I go?
How many times have I messed up?
I keep going sideways
Am I supposed to?
How many times has he corrected for my mess?
PUSH
I fall
Great
Now what?
Do I stay here?
Am I really this dense?
Black and white isn't plain enough
I'm frustrated
Like a dyslexic learning to read
It's supposed to make sense
It's supposed to useful
It's supposed to a guide
But it's not
Maybe I'm meant to be lost
Push...
Hard
Ouch
I stumble
Was that the right direction?
The force was too strong
I couldn't tell
Did I sidewind
When I should have gone straight?
The pushing has stopped
Have I arrived?
Am I where I need to be?
Or have I drifted that far off course?
I am lost
Push
Where did that come from?
Which direction was that supposed to take me?
My series of questions and doubts and fears and concerns
Answered
But my senses are not acute
I know I am being pulled
Pushed
Thrown
Hassled
One way is better
Which way do I go?
How many times have I messed up?
I keep going sideways
Am I supposed to?
How many times has he corrected for my mess?
PUSH
I fall
Great
Now what?
Do I stay here?
Am I really this dense?
Black and white isn't plain enough
I'm frustrated
Like a dyslexic learning to read
It's supposed to make sense
It's supposed to useful
It's supposed to a guide
But it's not
Maybe I'm meant to be lost
Push...
Poetry: Those Pants
There he was
The man
I knew I'd meet him eventually
I didn't know him
His face?
Unfamiliar
His walk?
Foreign
His mannerisms?
Unexpected
But those pants?
I'd know them any where
I saw them
Once
In a dream
The man
I knew I'd meet him eventually
I didn't know him
His face?
Unfamiliar
His walk?
Foreign
His mannerisms?
Unexpected
But those pants?
I'd know them any where
I saw them
Once
In a dream
Monday, March 14, 2016
Essay: Reforming the Electoral College
Reforming the Electoral College
The United States Constitution was written to change the way government would function in the nation due to problems with the Articles of Confederation. Among these changes came an idea called the ‘electoral college’. The electoral college is a system that determines presidency using an indirect voting method whereupon electors consider the votes of the people and vote accordingly. The electoral college has been an issue of debate for a long time. Andrew Jackson spoke of his desires to abolish the system and replace it with a popular vote when he first became president. (Boerner) Since then, many different people and groups have advocated for its dissolution and replacement. The most popular ideas of replacement include popular vote and split voting in all states. These demands for change cannot be ignored for much longer. One reason why so many vote Independent is because the people have become dissatisfied with what is offered. Before choosing a side, the voting systems mentioned will be compared.
The electoral college allows 538 electors to vote for president. They usually vote based on what the majority of their district wants but there is no true obligation to do so. In 48 states and District of Columbia, it is a winner-take-all system so if 49% of the population votes for A but 51% votes for B; B will get all the electoral votes in that state. Sometimes the person who gets the majority of votes in the electoral college does not get popular vote, making them a minority president. This fact has been an issue of concern regarding the voting process. In “Adam Ruins Everything”, Conover explains how this system favors smaller states over larger so that your location determines how much your vote counts. Another problem he addresses is that the 11 swing states completely control the election so that, “in recent elections up to 80% of all the votes cast in America had no impact on the outcome.” (Conover) While the electoral college can act as a failsafe against mob rule or idiotic voters, it is so separated from the people that there may as well not even be citizen voting in most cases.
The electoral college allows 538 electors to vote for president. They usually vote based on what the majority of their district wants but there is no true obligation to do so. In 48 states and District of Columbia, it is a winner-take-all system so if 49% of the population votes for A but 51% votes for B; B will get all the electoral votes in that state. Sometimes the person who gets the majority of votes in the electoral college does not get popular vote, making them a minority president. This fact has been an issue of concern regarding the voting process. In “Adam Ruins Everything”, Conover explains how this system favors smaller states over larger so that your location determines how much your vote counts. Another problem he addresses is that the 11 swing states completely control the election so that, “in recent elections up to 80% of all the votes cast in America had no impact on the outcome.” (Conover) While the electoral college can act as a failsafe against mob rule or idiotic voters, it is so separated from the people that there may as well not even be citizen voting in most cases.
Splitting electoral votes has been mentioned as a compromise between direct democratic voting and the electoral system in that the minority party in a state would not be overshadowed but instead could make an impact. These method is currently used in Maine and Nebraska as a way to let the electoral votes be more representative of their populations. If this method were applied to all 50 states, presidential candidates would be forced to focus on more than just the swing states (which would no longer apply) and the electoral votes would more accurately represent the population’s desires while still using the electoral system to keep mob rule in check. However, this method would still not account for a majority of the problems concerning the electoral college as location would still be a factor on voter impact. This method also splits the votes regarding success in each district rather than the state as a whole so gerrymandering could potentially make this system the same as the electoral system that we operate under now.
The voting process that most people advocate for is a popular vote whereupon the people can directly elect the president based on their numbers without their location being a factor. Advocates for this system explain that a direct democratic vote would best represent the people’s interests. However, there are only half a million people in Wyoming but over 20 million people in Texas. (Netstate) This method of voting would disenfranchise those who live in less densely populated states because candidates would focus their campaigns efforts on more populated cities. This method also gives into mob rule whereupon the majority can silence the voice of the minority by sheer number, depriving them of their rights. While this method would be closest to a direct democracy, a direct democracy would lead to mob rule and democracy is a system that the founders did not want or intend upon creating our nation as several of them were critical of democracy and it is not mentioned in the Constitution. Instead, the founders wanted a republic.
The voting process that most people advocate for is a popular vote whereupon the people can directly elect the president based on their numbers without their location being a factor. Advocates for this system explain that a direct democratic vote would best represent the people’s interests. However, there are only half a million people in Wyoming but over 20 million people in Texas. (Netstate) This method of voting would disenfranchise those who live in less densely populated states because candidates would focus their campaigns efforts on more populated cities. This method also gives into mob rule whereupon the majority can silence the voice of the minority by sheer number, depriving them of their rights. While this method would be closest to a direct democracy, a direct democracy would lead to mob rule and democracy is a system that the founders did not want or intend upon creating our nation as several of them were critical of democracy and it is not mentioned in the Constitution. Instead, the founders wanted a republic.
A republic is, “a state in which the sovereign power resides in the whole body of the people, and is exercised by representatives elected by them; a commonwealth.” (Webster) The purpose of voting therefore, was to get people into office that most accurately represented the scale of the people’s desires for government. If four people were running for president and everyone’s number two choice was person B but for first choice 10% wanted A, 50% wanted C, and 40% wanted D and those who didn’t vote for C were as adamantly opposed to C being the next president as those who were voting for them… under our current system C would win even though as a republic, B should have. Our current system does not factor this in. The main replacement ideas do not factor this in either.
The electoral college is flawed. Most ideas on how to fix the voting system are just as flawed. This one probably is too. The first issue to be addressed is the ballot. The ballot should be organized so that it is clear to read and isn’t written in a way that will promote party voting. All voting decisions on the ballot should be mandatory to answer, even if that answer is ‘I don’t care’. The ballot should include a picture of each candidate with a short description written by them about what they stand for and what they hope to achieve. All voting issues should have a short paragraph in laymen terms (such as bills needing to be passed) for the uneducated voter. Regarding voting for candidates, it should not be multiple choice but instead “rank your top 3”. We have computers; this change should not make voting any more difficult to deal with. After this is implemented we should wait a few election cycles to see the impact to decide how the electoral college will inevitably be overturned.
Works Cited
Boerner, Gerald. “Today in History…” Prof. Boerner’s Explorations. 13 April 2011. Web. 18 November 2015. http://www.boerner.net/jboerner/?p=18114
Class and discussion.
Class and discussion.
Conover, Adam. “Adam Ruins Everything - Why the Electoral College Ruins Democracy”. truTV. 9 November 2015. Web. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90RajY2nrgk
Netstate. “50 States Populations.” netstate.com/ 2001. Web.
http://www.netstate.com/states/tables/st_population.htm
Webster Dictionary.
http://www.netstate.com/states/tables/st_population.htm
Webster Dictionary.
Essay: Chinese Culture via Films
Exploring Chinese Culture Through Filmography
Movies express the ideals and realities that exist within a society. What are considered priorities and acts of heroism can be conveyed by which movies are released and become popular. In the United States popular movies would include superheroes, the western cowboy, and secret agents— examples of vigilantes who are self-made, self-reliant, living their own sense of justice and morality. In China, the movies convey a different brand of person as their hero because the ideologies of a country influence what type of people are held in high regard. The main characters in the films shown portray valued aspects of Daoism, Confucianism, and Buddhism. These characters are the heroes because they live the ideals of Chinese society while from a Western perspective the same characteristics that make these characters great to the Chinese are considered weak traits that hold these characters back from their individual potential.
In the film “Hua Mulan” (2009), Mulan embodies the patriotism of the Chinese people by putting her nationalism above her own trepidations of war and the man whom she loves. While initially hesitant to take on the duties of general, she realizes that she must live the path that she was given in order to save her many comrade-in-arms. Anatomy of the Chinese Business Mind describes such a phenomenon as, “wu wei or ‘take no action,’ follow Dao (“The Way”), and act naturally rather than willfully oppose or tamper with how reality is moving.” (p. 48) Since Mulan is a general, she must act like one for the sake of the soldiers that are under her command. At the end of the story, she chooses to lose the man that she loves in an arranged marriage in order to end the conflict and bring peace to China. This self-sacrifice is distinctly a part of Chinese culture as they value collectivism. Her decision to let him go to end the war shows strong personal sacrifice for the greater good, a fundamental aspect of Buddhist thinking as, “existence is suffering.” (BLTC, 1) Her resolve strengthens in the movie from that of an individualistic thinker to one who placed the needs of her country and its countrymen above herself. Once she was able to embrace this philosophy unreservedly, her troops became very successful in battle and only then was she able to be a hero for China.
In an American movie, Mulan would have married Wentai even at the cost of continued warfare and they would have survived even if China itself fell to its enemies. The movie “Hua Mulan” encompasses ideas of unity and personal sacrifice while a hero from the United States would exhibit personal strength that can overcome the realities that society gives them. For example, “The Lone Ranger”. One of the greatest heroes known in the United States, this average citizen takes on the role of a vigilante and deals with the problem of local outlaws due to the sheriff and deputy being inadequate to deal with the criminals. He fights his reality and refuses to yield to the obstacles given to him, coming up triumphant and preserving the town alone based solely on his character. His only companion is his traveling guide, Tonto, whom he rarely relies upon for assistance. He is justice, he is moral, and he does it himself. These are the aspirations of the American people. United only in the sense that it is easier to accomplish personal goals with an assistance from others, Americans are self-serving and prefer to live by their own sense of morality instead of what society deems acceptable.
According to politifact, “Carter said that more than 70 percent of American adults have committed a crime that could lead to imprisonment. Based on a strictly technical reading of existing laws, the consensus among the legal experts we reached is that the number is reasonable. Way more than a majority of Americans have done something in their lives that runs afoul of some law that includes jail or prison time as a potential punishment.” (p. 4)
According to politifact, “Carter said that more than 70 percent of American adults have committed a crime that could lead to imprisonment. Based on a strictly technical reading of existing laws, the consensus among the legal experts we reached is that the number is reasonable. Way more than a majority of Americans have done something in their lives that runs afoul of some law that includes jail or prison time as a potential punishment.” (p. 4)
If this does not make sense, simply recall the case of Linda Barnette, a woman who stopped issuing marriage licenses because she did not support homosexual marriage. Or the case of Aaron Klein who lost his business instead of catering dessert for people whose lifestyles he did not approve of. Americans choose to live in opposition to society because of their personal morality. The heroes of their movies do so and they follow suit, living the same principles applied to their own lives. Valuing the vigilante who controls the justice system, a large group of United States citizens are willing to break the law in order to mold their environment to fit personal morality and values. Like Batman.
For a Chinese individual, this is not the case. “In many ways the Chinese view themselves more as part of a family rather than an independent individual,” (Anatomy of the Chinese Business Mind, p. 37) By viewing themselves as part of a larger whole, the Chinese are willing to give up many things for the sake of this harmony that an American would deem unthinkable. For example, in “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” (2000) Li Mu Bai and Yu Shu Lien are deeply in love with each other but neither of them are willing to start a relationship out of respect for Li’s dead master. Until Li manages requital for the death of his master at the hands of Jade Fox, he cannot start a relationship with his love. Li Mu Bai is an honorable man with high morality in the film. This is shown by his inner peace which allow him to fight on top of bamboo and to easily overcome Jen’s fighting techniques. In contrast, Jade Fox is a woman who only thinks about her personal advancements instead of societal harmony and her role as a woman. Her fighting style is more wild and unrefined, making her relatively beatable. Since she is at a natural disadvantage due to her struggle with Daoism, she often resorts to poison to gain the upper hand. Her embodiment of Western ideology in her futile struggle to gain personal prestige in addition to her role as the main villain show that the characteristics that she portrays are not in line with Chinese ideology. The film shows peaceable people who live in harmony with each other and nature fighting in opposition to individualism and pride. As a communist-driven country, the people also live with reverence to harmony. In an American movie, Jade Fox would have been shown as a brave woman fighting the system and all of the other characters would have been characterized as being stubborn and oppressive to her individual capabilities.
In conclusion, the desired characteristics and motivations of a society are shown through their films. In the United States, the films often display characters of strong personal integrity and capability fighting against the world to secure their own position in life and to enforce their personal sense of right and wrong. This is reflective of a highly individualistic society that strongly promotes capitalism and personal achievement even at the cost of others. In China, the movies show characters that live in harmony with others and their environment who are forced to action by the chaos outside. Their display of congruity with their lives and accepting the roles that they were given is in line with the heavy influences of Daoism, Confucianism, and Buddhism that shape Chinese culture and thus the mindsets of those who dwell within. To understand a culture, the first step would to ask, Who are their heroes?
Works Cited
BLTC Research. "The Conquest of Suffering : Buddhism versus Utilitarianism." The Conquest of Suffering : Buddhism versus Utilitarianism. BLTC Research, 1995. Web. 12 March 2016. http://www.bltc.com/buddhism-suffering.html
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Dir. Ang Lee. Perf. Chen Chang and Michelle Yeoh. Sony Pictures Home Entertainment, 2000. DVD.
Greenberg, Jon. “Watch Out, 70% of us Have Done Something That Could Put us in Jail.”
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Dir. Ang Lee. Perf. Chen Chang and Michelle Yeoh. Sony Pictures Home Entertainment, 2000. DVD.
Greenberg, Jon. “Watch Out, 70% of us Have Done Something That Could Put us in Jail.”
politifact.com Politifact, 8 December 2014. Web. 12 March 2016.
http://www.politifact.com/punditfact/statements/2014/dec/08/stephen-carter/watch-out-70-us-have-done-something-could-put-us-j/
http://www.politifact.com/punditfact/statements/2014/dec/08/stephen-carter/watch-out-70-us-have-done-something-could-put-us-j/
Hua Mulan. Dir. Jingle Ma and Wei Dong. Perf. Wei Zhao and Kun Chen. Starlight International Media Group, 2009. DVD.
Yuan, Fangyuan, and Meiru Liu. Anatomy of the Chinese Business Mind: An Insider's Perspective. Singapore: Cengage Learning, 2009. Print.
Poetry: Confessions
After the life I've lived...
I feel as if I've done nothing
Been nothing
Seen nothing
And I've lied to myself
To make it seem
As if
As if something
A tiny spark
Had meaning
As if
As if someone
An insignificant person
Changed me
Everything I am
Everything I've done
Is a disguise
A lie
Tormented by emotions
Spiraling in self-doubt
Questioning my rationality
Hiding behind a mask
I confess
I live in fear
Who am I?
What am I to do?
Why was I born?
Is there meaning in my existence?
I know
There are those
Those who say
"I love you"
"You mean something to me"
Whatever.
You didn't need me
You still don't
What is love?
If not the ability to tell one
You mean the most to me
But I'd be fine if you left forever
Abandoning me to this harsh world
Because I can and will carry on
And the emotions that weigh my heart down
Will not
Can not
Shall not
Stop me
Can I say that?
Honestly?
I do not love without condition
Everything I do is for a profit
It's calculated
But
Sometimes it hurts
I have to choose whether to give up
My ventures
For
Emotional ease
Sometimes
I do
Mostly
I don't
Is it normal that life pains me in living it?
Is it normal that feeling happy brings regret?
Is it normal that in my life
I have never once been someone's friend?
They have always been mine
Your kindness makes me uneasy
Treat me like an animal, please
I beg you
Hit me
Abuse me
Call me a slob
A cheat
A good-for-nothing woman
Hurt me
Please
But don't
Don't you ever
I warn you
Don't you ever
Call me pretty
Whisper sweet nothings into my ear
Regally regard me
It makes me feel inadequate
It makes me feel like a cheat
It makes me feel like too good a fabricator
It makes me...
These kind deeds were not meant for me
I stole them
By stealing your time
By stealing your effort
Don't let me
Steal your heart
Don't let me
Become important
Don't let me
Waste your breath
Waste your time
Waste your effort
Waste your feelings
I am a black hole
And you
You, I will eat
Don't feed me first
For then my desire to consume you
Grows mightily
I am an ocean wave
I get larger
The closer I am to shore
Misdirect me
Run away from supposed freedom
Take your ship out to sea
Abandon me
To crash into the rocks
After the life I've lived...
I am but dust
Formed and shaped
And one day
After water weathers away
My layers of falsehoods
My emotions and dreams
My very fears
To dust
To dust I shall return.
I feel as if I've done nothing
Been nothing
Seen nothing
And I've lied to myself
To make it seem
As if
As if something
A tiny spark
Had meaning
As if
As if someone
An insignificant person
Changed me
Everything I am
Everything I've done
Is a disguise
A lie
Tormented by emotions
Spiraling in self-doubt
Questioning my rationality
Hiding behind a mask
I confess
I live in fear
Who am I?
What am I to do?
Why was I born?
Is there meaning in my existence?
I know
There are those
Those who say
"I love you"
"You mean something to me"
Whatever.
You didn't need me
You still don't
What is love?
If not the ability to tell one
You mean the most to me
But I'd be fine if you left forever
Abandoning me to this harsh world
Because I can and will carry on
And the emotions that weigh my heart down
Will not
Can not
Shall not
Stop me
Can I say that?
Honestly?
I do not love without condition
Everything I do is for a profit
It's calculated
But
Sometimes it hurts
I have to choose whether to give up
My ventures
For
Emotional ease
Sometimes
I do
Mostly
I don't
Is it normal that life pains me in living it?
Is it normal that feeling happy brings regret?
Is it normal that in my life
I have never once been someone's friend?
They have always been mine
Your kindness makes me uneasy
Treat me like an animal, please
I beg you
Hit me
Abuse me
Call me a slob
A cheat
A good-for-nothing woman
Hurt me
Please
But don't
Don't you ever
I warn you
Don't you ever
Call me pretty
Whisper sweet nothings into my ear
Regally regard me
It makes me feel inadequate
It makes me feel like a cheat
It makes me feel like too good a fabricator
It makes me...
These kind deeds were not meant for me
I stole them
By stealing your time
By stealing your effort
Don't let me
Steal your heart
Don't let me
Become important
Don't let me
Waste your breath
Waste your time
Waste your effort
Waste your feelings
I am a black hole
And you
You, I will eat
Don't feed me first
For then my desire to consume you
Grows mightily
I am an ocean wave
I get larger
The closer I am to shore
Misdirect me
Run away from supposed freedom
Take your ship out to sea
Abandon me
To crash into the rocks
After the life I've lived...
I am but dust
Formed and shaped
And one day
After water weathers away
My layers of falsehoods
My emotions and dreams
My very fears
To dust
To dust I shall return.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
Poetry: Lachrymose
Grant them peace, their hearts weep.
I see a girl who forgot to do her homework assignment. It was worth half her grade and now she will have to retake the class the following year.
I see a boy who struggles with internal emotions as he tries unsuccessfully resolve his conflicting emotions regarding a family suicide.
I see a girl who tries to hide her continual pain that she has dealt with for several years.
I see a boy who has tied himself up in so many commitments and has given himself so many responsibilities that he is drowning in a sea of stress.
I see a girl who has made choices to make herself ostracized and lives with a sinking feeling that she doesn't matter nor has anyone close to herself.
I see a boy that struggles with identity and staying true to his values that even he doesn't understand well enough to fight for them.
I see a girl that has stuck herself between her past and her future, refusing to give up either world- losing both in the process.
I see a boy that doesn't know how to interact with others except with formalities and distance. As he is buried in his responsibilities and work he doesn't know when or how to turn to others.
I see a girl that seeks to be closer to her morals and live sinlessly but doesn't know how to get rid of her earthly ties that trap her, bind her, tease her apart, mock her without compassion.
I see a boy who is so torn between his desires and his options that choosing nothing and becoming numb to his emotions to avoid decisions and conflict has literally become easier for him.
I see a girl who is lost and broken. I see a boy who has been destroyed and left emotionless. I see them laying there on the side of the road, collecting car debris as they fight a losing battle to get up and overcome. I see them lost, stuck, broken. But I cannot reach them. So I watch.
I see a young girl full of spirit and spite, full of hopes and dreams... grow up. As she encounters the world it stabs her. As she attempts closeness with those around her, she becomes an object of abuse and scorn. Her spirit gets worn down. Her spite fades into despair. Her hopes abandon her. Her dreams fade away with her tears. Now she is left with none of her originality at all. No one comforts, no one understands, no one sees. Her vitality is depleted. Without the energy to add life back into her body, she will continue until death as a shadow of who she once was.
I see a boy whose body betrayed him. With puberty hit depression. It hit him hard. He stumbled out of control and hurt a lot of people because he was blinded by his own pain. He lost connection with almost every person he knew. He did poorly in school, having to repeat classes, even grades. He spent a great deal of time in mental health institutions and juvenile detention. Now he is older and is trying to leave his past behind so that he might have a future free from who he once was. But his depression traps him down, holding him hostage. He does not know if he will ever be able to get free.
I see them. I see them all. And I stand, trapped. For while I see this brokenness, I have none. For while I witness this despairing life, I am lifeless. 'Harden your heart,' I tell myself. 'Turn away. Forget them.' But I cannot. For my heart weeps with theirs. For as I see them stumble, fall, break... it is impossible to look away without seeing it get better. It never does, so watching this sink becomes addicting. Hoping for an outcome that never dawns.
I see a boy who chose his path too late and lost it all.
I see a girl who lost patience a little too quickly... and it destroyed her values.
I see children born perfect become teenagers that get swamped in this world of greed and falsehood so that when they are adults their lives and hearts are both empty. Their dreams are depleted and there is nothing for them to look forward to.
I see a stumble lead to a scraped knee that gets infected so badly that the leg is amputated and that example gets glorified and out of fear no one does anything out of fear of a stumble... leading themselves to nothingness.
And they don't see each other because their own pains are quite large. And then all come to me, hoping that I'll have an answer. But my mouth is mute, my lips are sealed. My hands are tied down. So I just gaze on them. They call me lachrymose but they envy me for they know I have no personal issues or pains. They envy the one who is trapped because they feel trapped and it fill me with pity.
Grant them peace, their hearts weep.
I see a girl who forgot to do her homework assignment. It was worth half her grade and now she will have to retake the class the following year.
I see a boy who struggles with internal emotions as he tries unsuccessfully resolve his conflicting emotions regarding a family suicide.
I see a girl who tries to hide her continual pain that she has dealt with for several years.
I see a boy who has tied himself up in so many commitments and has given himself so many responsibilities that he is drowning in a sea of stress.
I see a girl who has made choices to make herself ostracized and lives with a sinking feeling that she doesn't matter nor has anyone close to herself.
I see a boy that struggles with identity and staying true to his values that even he doesn't understand well enough to fight for them.
I see a girl that has stuck herself between her past and her future, refusing to give up either world- losing both in the process.
I see a boy that doesn't know how to interact with others except with formalities and distance. As he is buried in his responsibilities and work he doesn't know when or how to turn to others.
I see a girl that seeks to be closer to her morals and live sinlessly but doesn't know how to get rid of her earthly ties that trap her, bind her, tease her apart, mock her without compassion.
I see a boy who is so torn between his desires and his options that choosing nothing and becoming numb to his emotions to avoid decisions and conflict has literally become easier for him.
I see a girl who is lost and broken. I see a boy who has been destroyed and left emotionless. I see them laying there on the side of the road, collecting car debris as they fight a losing battle to get up and overcome. I see them lost, stuck, broken. But I cannot reach them. So I watch.
I see a young girl full of spirit and spite, full of hopes and dreams... grow up. As she encounters the world it stabs her. As she attempts closeness with those around her, she becomes an object of abuse and scorn. Her spirit gets worn down. Her spite fades into despair. Her hopes abandon her. Her dreams fade away with her tears. Now she is left with none of her originality at all. No one comforts, no one understands, no one sees. Her vitality is depleted. Without the energy to add life back into her body, she will continue until death as a shadow of who she once was.
I see a boy whose body betrayed him. With puberty hit depression. It hit him hard. He stumbled out of control and hurt a lot of people because he was blinded by his own pain. He lost connection with almost every person he knew. He did poorly in school, having to repeat classes, even grades. He spent a great deal of time in mental health institutions and juvenile detention. Now he is older and is trying to leave his past behind so that he might have a future free from who he once was. But his depression traps him down, holding him hostage. He does not know if he will ever be able to get free.
I see them. I see them all. And I stand, trapped. For while I see this brokenness, I have none. For while I witness this despairing life, I am lifeless. 'Harden your heart,' I tell myself. 'Turn away. Forget them.' But I cannot. For my heart weeps with theirs. For as I see them stumble, fall, break... it is impossible to look away without seeing it get better. It never does, so watching this sink becomes addicting. Hoping for an outcome that never dawns.
I see a boy who chose his path too late and lost it all.
I see a girl who lost patience a little too quickly... and it destroyed her values.
I see children born perfect become teenagers that get swamped in this world of greed and falsehood so that when they are adults their lives and hearts are both empty. Their dreams are depleted and there is nothing for them to look forward to.
I see a stumble lead to a scraped knee that gets infected so badly that the leg is amputated and that example gets glorified and out of fear no one does anything out of fear of a stumble... leading themselves to nothingness.
And they don't see each other because their own pains are quite large. And then all come to me, hoping that I'll have an answer. But my mouth is mute, my lips are sealed. My hands are tied down. So I just gaze on them. They call me lachrymose but they envy me for they know I have no personal issues or pains. They envy the one who is trapped because they feel trapped and it fill me with pity.
Grant them peace, their hearts weep.
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