Poetry: Suffer in

Suffer in joyful silence
For the sacrificial lamb
Was raised
Slaughtered
Buried
and received
By our God
To atone for the wrongs
Of man

Thank You

So I realize that a lot of what I post is pretty negative and insensitive. As a way to clarify, I am a very happy person with a lot of positives in my life. I have a wonderful, supportive family that I don't ever thank enough for their graces. I have amazing people in my life that encourage me to grow and become a better person. I have a very dear friend whom I see most every day who adds sunlight to the darkness that plagues day-to-day life. I am very loved by a whole lot of people.

There's not a person I know who I don't appreciate and I know I don't tell them these things. My life is better because of the people in it. They expand me even though what I write makes it seem like they are restrictions-- they are not. I thank God every day for all of the people I know that have affected me because I wouldn't be where I am without them. They are all precious to me.

Thank you for your time when you're busy
Thank you for your compassion when I'm a jerk
Thank you for your words of encouragement
Thank you for your kind smiles
Thank you for your hugs that are too rough to breathe when receiving one
Thank you for your facial expressions instead of words
Thank you for all of the memories
Thank you for your food
Thank you for your kindnesses
Thank you for your constant questions of reassurance
Thank you for your honesty
Thank you for your love
Thank you for your guidance
Thank you for listening when I'm upset
Thank you for filling my days with laughter
Thank you for being an optimist
Thank you for wasting hours away with me
Thank you for caring
Thank you for being you

It's not a complete list, I know. My gratitude cannot be fully written down because it's not able to be expressed in words. If nothing else, I know that there is a Lord above because of all of the good I've been given and all of the people who make my life better.
So, thank you.

I love you lots.

~Josephine Tess

Poetry: Never Promise

We should do this thing
-When?
Uhm... how about this date?
-Are you sure?
Yeah
-Okay

Well I remember that conversation
But I'm not going to nag you
It wouldn't be precious if it wasn't voluntary
It obviously doesn't matter to you
If you forget

That day comes
I wait in expectation
Poker face
The topic is never brought up
No motion is made for that direction
Nothing about you indicates
A desire for our promised adventure
That day passes

I wonder if you even remember
I wonder if in the future
That promise will be fulfilled
I'll wait
I refuse to believe
That you lied on purpose

Ah, well
It was a dumb idea anyway
Probably better that it didn't come to fruition
And technically
You never did promise.

Poetry: Moment in the Sun

We laid side by side, the group of us
Maybe 10 in all, no one was counting.
Shoulder to shoulder, gazing up into the daylight
Quite literally a circle of friends.

It wasn't long but the moment lasted forever
This wasn't something that we did
It was who we was.

The sun beamed down on our faces
Congratulating us on our accomplishment
We were together
As we should have been.

Soon a cloud covered the day
We all walked away from that place
Promising to meet there again
Because it was magical
Because it was destiny.

It never happened.

Like the Tower of Babel,
Speaking in varying tongues
Collapsed their progress;
Losing the sun in that pivotal moment
Stole away the efforts of tomorrow
No one ever went back.

That precious moment?

Lost.

I wonder if I'm the only one who looks back
Those wonderful months
Those wonderful days
That wonderful lunch hour
Us circled in the grass
Breathing in the sun.

It's night as I write this.
Just a few years have passed
May as well have been a lifetime...

More of a dream than reality, now.

But it was real
It was our moment
Moment in the sun.

Poetry: My Vow

Never say what your first thought is at disappointment:
(Fuck you)
It's really more of a:
REALLY?! Again? But you were so close!

You are standing on a cliff far above me
I call from below
You get close enough
Almost can see me
Almost there
And then you turn around
Boredom?
Not as important as something else?
Distracted?
Suddenly not worth the effort?
Again and again

This game is sickening
I hate it
I hate you
To get so close
So often
And back off
Every time
Without fail
(Drives me nuts)

I take a while to open up
Like the last flower that opens in July
When all my neighbors opened in May
And just when I start to bloom
You walk away
You cut the bush down
You decide to move to another part of the garden
To water?
Whatever
You missed it (on purpose?)

It's my fault, anyway
I'm the late bloomer
I'm the stupid shy scarlet
I'm the one with the drama
I'm the idiot who makes every little thing a big deal
I'm that little floozy tart
You keep around until you find a maiden

Like a cockroach infestation in your first apartment
You only deal until you can finance a move
And then you will
No hesitation
No looking back
Maybe a few fond memories
But they all pass away in the breeze
(Like an odor you hate)

Look at me
Look at the harlot of your time
Look at this mess of a person
You couldn't hardly call a woman
Look at me
I'm a parasite
I'm your parasite
(Pitiful, isn't it?)

What else am I?
Don't you dare call me something I'm not
You think I don't wish for it to be otherwise?

When I try to change,
Everyone scoffs
They know me
They know how I work
It's preposterous to think otherwise
I am the way I am
They think

I'm too stubborn to change
I'm too "me" to be any different
I feel like a vagabond covered in dirt
You're only paying attention
To score points with Jesus
Like I'm a charity case
Like I'm a pitiful creature
In need of saving
Because I make you feel better about yourself
After you think you've aided me

I'm not allowed to grow
To change
This box is so restricting
Might as well get used to enclosed spaces
Might as well learn how to get comfortable
I'm not allowed to leave
Am I?
I wonder if I'll break any bones
Living my whole life inside
The dark

I vow
Not to ever get taken in by anger
I vow
Not to let them in
I vow
To stop focusing on myself
I vow
To make them happier better people
(Because they can't reciprocate)
I vow
To never lose my standard
I vow
To always stay strong
I vow
To never forget that the ONLY reason
They are in my life
Is because I forced them to be
I vow
To never stop trying to redeem myself
For the mistake of making them know me
I vow
To always remember in my happiness
That I'm robbing it
From whomever it should have been
In my stead
I vow
I won't get bitter
I vow

I'm scared of vowing
It's a very bad thing to break a vow
And that failure looms over me
Casting a dark shadow
Laughing

But I need to ready myself
Somehow
How else will I face tomorrow?
Today you hurt me
This is how I make sure it doesn't happen again

If I harden
If I don't fail
If I stay strong
As long as I change my attitude
As long as I stop
Thinking
As I am
'Cause it's all on me
It's not your fault
Your harmless words
Turned to daggers in my ears
It's mine.

So

I vow
My disappointment is my own.

Let me deal with it tonight
It'll never break me again.

Guaranteed.

Poetry: It's up to you, hon

I like the ocean
Looking at its vastness
Spreading on for what looks like forever
The waves sprawl up
Spray the coast
Further out there is clear silence
It engulfs me
Beautiful
Yes, sometimes it's harsh
But nothing is hidden
And most days the clear water can be enjoyed
Peering below
All its treasures
The sun shining on its entire surface
At peace
Shimmering

I sometimes wish that all of my relationships were like the ocean
But it's not up to me
The boundaries you face are placed upon your shoulders by them
And you have put a lot of boundaries up, haven't you, hon?

You limit my time
You limit my words
You limit my physicality
You limit my generosity

And it hurts.

But not nearly as much as when you limit you.

Because that's up to you, hon.

Your time
Your words
Your physicality
Your generosity
Your gratuity

These are the things I crave
That I cannot give
That I cannot take
That I can only desperately wish for

Because you can reject my gifts--
That's fine
It hurts, but

I don't cry over rejection.

I don't cry when you tell me to stop
I don't cry when you say that you've had enough
I don't cry when you limit my ability to love you
I don't cry when you set up boundaries for me
(Because you won't let me love you)

I cry when the ability to be my friend
To make me feel loved
Is up to you
And you don't seem to get it
(How can you not get it?)
It's up to you, hon

I show the love I want to have
Is that really so hard to understand?
I crave company so I seek others out
I don't want them to feel the loneliness that I do
I long to be caressed so I seek others out
I don't want them to suffer the hurt of that loss
I wish to be a priority in time so I make others mine
I don't anyone to ever feel rejected or less important
I fear words of kindness because they mean so much; give so little
I lace my words in meaning but show my devotion at every level
(Because everyone needs to hear encouragement, even if it's outwardly rude)

But how do you say this?
I don't want to be a burden
I don't want to make you think about all the little ways
I deem myself unworthy
Because I am
Because I do
And I don't want your pity
And I don't want your worry
And I don't want your concern

I just want you
To be there
I'm there for you
And I love it
And it's great
And I thank the Lord every day
Honest, I do
But

It hurts
It hurts so much
'Cause you think I give a damn about how I generous I am
Like I care
Like it means anything
To me
What I do for you,
I do for you

I'd slave away
For your smile
And I'm grateful that I had the chance
I want you to be loved
With all my heart
Truly
But that's all for you

I'm taking a selfish moment to talk about me
'Cause it's up to you, hon
It's always been up to you

So don't treat me
Don't give me gifts
Don't make me a priority
Don't say beautiful things
Don't you ever touch me

Not unless you mean it
Not unless you understand
Not unless

Forget it
Never mind
I'm done

It's up to you, hon.

Poetry: Mister Gentleman

You break my heart
Every day

I hate your chivalry
I loathe it
Because I appreciate it
Because it makes me feel special
Because the very action is so desired
But mostly?
Mostly because it really hurts when you don't

And I hate that build up
I hate that eager expectation I have
That you created
Because of your kindness
Because the days that you aren't
Which should be normal
Which should be just fine
Which should be considered wonderful
Aren't

Don't be nice
Don't be kind
Don't you dare
Don't say kind words
Don't commit the deeds of gentlemen
Don't

Because the one time
You forget
You're not in the mood
You're pre-occupied
Whatever
That time?
That is the one that hurts

And I don't want to hurt from something that's not your fault
And I don't want to hurt from some dumb fake expectation
And I don't want to hurt from some dumb fake standard of action
That hasn't really been established
Not outside my head, anyway

Don't set me up like that
Don't you ever
Because it's personal

And I can't handle it.

Poetry: Alone

I open the door
"Hey honey, I'm home!"
Echoes the empty space
Because she's 400 miles away

While there I whisper
Sweet nothings to the dog
I have no one to say them to me
So someone might as well hear them

I fall asleep while waiting
Then I wait in slumber
But what I desire does not pass
So I wake unsatisfied

Sometimes I settle into the couch and read
Maybe I'll be watching something online
I fall asleep at 11 to wake at 3 still on the couch (no one moved me)
Then I climb down the many stairs, settle into a cold bed, dream of being consoled

I used to love eating meals
A time of connection and joy
Quality grub all round
Replaced with naught but cafeteria cuisine

Every day there's a million little things
And they become one big thing
All it does is remind me
I with the Lord am

Alone

Poetry: Night

Enter into dark
See the night fade 'way
Notice the depths of gray
Watch as the trees sway

Poetry: Don't Cry

His hands gripped my arm
Tight
His eyes were wild
Dancing
Do it, they seemed to say
Scream
His hands twisted harder
Burned

The pain was immense
There was no escape
Not for a few hours, anyway
(I can take a few hours)

He is delirious in his sadism
His joy blazed throughout his person

Would the reaction be worse if I acted
In his favor, feeding his lust of pain or
Against his wishes, using silence indifference?

I've been here before
Which did I choose then?
(I can't remember)
It's hard to remember anything
While in pain

He screams for my tears
He screams for cries of pain
He screams for me to beseech him

He wants a reaction
He wants to know that I feel his pain
He wants assurance that he can affect me
(If only he knew)

There is hunger in his eyes
Blood pools on my arm
I guess we're at this point, then

Block it out
Ignore it
Ignore him
What is your arm but flesh?
Treat it as nothing but hair
There are no nerves in hair
Master yourself
Be better than this

Just don't

Poetry: Drop

Question

The storm starts with just one
Was it sudden?
Did it tense up and arrive at the last possible second?
Did it rush down so fast with its comrades that
To declare its uniqueness as being first is preposterous?

I wonder

The scarp is abrupt
Waves crash below
A second is the difference
Want to swim with the fishes?

Why

See the formations on the window
Collecting together
Like babes looking for warmth
Unable to handle the stress
They increase in stature until

Are they

It forms from the gash
Warmth and color
Beauty intensifies with size
A miniature pool
Ready to spill over

Minute

A penny is barely change
A single ant standing alone poses no threat
A drop of water in the ocean has no affect
But
A stack can change a life
An army can rise to defeat any foe
A wave has sunk many a ship
See the drop
See it fall
See the tension
See how much it took
The sacrifice
The effort
It's just a drop

To you

Poetry: To Woo a Dancer

They were dancing
It was a beautiful sight to behold
Her skirt twirled
His feet were masterful
A true lord of the dance.
The excitement caught her
In the heat of the commotion,
She wondered if she was in love
For this man had full control
And it was dazzling.
He regarded her
Her eyes gleamed back
This was the moment he waited for.
Like a hawk
Swoop
Next thing you know,
That little mouse was lunch.
She couldn't say no his advances
She didn't know how
Her heart thumped and she was breathless
Was it because of the dance?
Was it because of him?
It no longer mattered.
She couldn't focus
Her senses were overwhelmed
Get lost in the moment
She told herself
Worry later, it'll make sense later
All to his advantage.
Her body responded when her mouth did not
The sensations flooded in
Desperate
More
Give me more
He obliged.
They weren't drunk
She could have said no
Intoxicated?
Only with life.
It wasn't rape,
She wasn't ravished
It was good
It was what she wanted
It was what he pursued
Her only concern?
How to live down the shame.

Poetry: Mea Culpa

Through pain we find release.
When I say "mea culpa",
Strike your self...
Arm, leg, whatever.

I pushed you to the breaking point
Mea culpa

Through mea culpa I told you
What you weren't ready to hear

Mea culpa
Mea culpa
Mea culpa

I was playing a game, mea culpa
And you thought it was real

I knew your pains yet...
Mea culpa

I chose you because I knew your response
Mea culpa

Then I guilted you, mea culpa
For making your choice known

Mea culpa
Mea culpa
Mea culpa

I am troublesome
Mea culpa
I nag
Mea culpa
I badger you on and on without release
Mea culpa
I henpeck
Mea culpa
I carp, I bellyache, I whine

Mea culpa
Mea culpa
Mea culpa

I am a thorn in your side
Mea culpa

I am here as a sadist
Mea culpa

I watch you writhe
Mea culpa

Worm on a string,
Mea culpa
Snail covered in salt,
Mea culpa
Fish out of water,
Mea culpa

I watch the spider approach the moth,
Mea culpa
And I do naught but watch
Mea culpa

Why am I here?
Mea culpa
What reason have I to be in your life?
Mea culpa

You get fed up (reasonable)
You get annoyed (sensible)
You need space (rational)

But I make you feel guilt
Mea culpa

You think it is your fault
Mea culpa
You think that I'm hurting
Mea culpa
You think the reason is stress
Mea culpa

It's me
Mea culpa

Through mea culpa
Through mea culpa
Through mea maxima culpa...

Why blame yourself when it's on me?
Through this pain I make it right.
Broken arm?
Broken leg?
Little matters.

It's my fault and I have failed.

Mea culpa.

Poetry: I Forgive

My joy is in the Lord
My life blood is in His
I ask Him to absolve my transgressions
Willingly He obliges to my pains

You do such a minor thing,
You say such an insignificant truth,
You think such a simple answer

How could I not love you?
How could I not forgive?
How could I not overlook this?
How could I not understand?

For the Lord is my strength.
He takes away my pains
For Him I give my all

The sorrows of today are nothing!
He steals them away from me.
He takes away my pains along with my sins

View me as you will,
Treat me as you might,
Listen as you wish to understand

No matter these little things...

I forgive.

(Does not He do the same for me?)

Poetry: Crucifix

Dogwood?
Olive?
Irrelevant

Two pieces of simple wood
Strong
Each took a full tree to form
Dense
How horrifying is this reality
Simple
Where death is borne by life
Basic
It is the only truth.

Poetry: The Mirror Doth Lie

Glance at these worn hands
Read their life story
Too much manual labor
Not enough love
Endured pain
Survived
Struggling to remain unbroken
Certainly such atrocities to nature
Should never be given such a gift as a ring

The mirror hides the details
The mirror smiles pleasantly
The mirror doesn't reveal the texture
The mirror catches the polish and ignores the nail

Examine the face
Find its age within its creases
The eyes are restless
Small scars of abuse lie strewn about
(Like dirty laundry in a boy's bedroom)
See the smile?
It's tired and forced
(More of a frown forced into the wrong shape)
Pores galore!
Nothing soft in this fat face
Pockmarks found

The mirror shows youth
The mirror reveals fair perfection
The mirror exhibits merriment
The mirror broadcasts the basic chick and ignores the woman

Analyze the feet
How many miles have they traveled?
How many mistakes have they endured at the hands of their sovereign?
They look elongated
The toes are bent strangely
Dry and worn out

The mirror shows

What?!

What can a piece of glass show?

It's only accurate after it's shattered.

Poetry: Ichor

I can't contain these emotions
These thoughts swirl loudly in my head
My heartbeat is a drum banging in my ears

I can't
I can't
I can't
I can't

I can't handle this
It's too much
I'm not enough

My pain is all too real
My pain is all too hidden
My pain is all too personal

I can't
I can't
I can't
I can't

It needs to be visualized
It needs to be expressed

Then it'll be your fault
For not noticing
And it won't be my fault
For not telling

I can't
I can't
I can't
I can't

The knife digs in
The pain is a release
The liquid pools

Nothing is more beautiful to me
My body is now as weak as my mind
I am one with my torment

Poetry: Him

His hand is upon my shoulder
The sensation calms my fears

I am not alone

I look up into his expecting eyes
The altruistic look said it all

I close my eyes

My hair is swept to the side
His lips caress my neck

Is this what love is like?

Sweet, tender, and slow?

I want to memorize these sensations
I want this to last forever

I start to lose myself
The feelings are too pure

I wake up

The face that mattered most
Forgotten

The sensations ebb away
Gone

In a few minutes
I'll have nothing left

Except one memory
The hand on my shoulder

It is my quest.

Poetry: Swindle

You know you love me.
That's the problem.
How can love be a problem?


How did I get here?
I can barely remember
Forgetting scares me
I spend my energy reminiscing
All I have is the past


I don't want to forget


I took your time
I took your energy
I took your quirks
I took your values
I took your certainty
I locked them up in a box.


I take
and take
and take
and take
and take
and take
and take
but yet


It's not enough?
No


It's not what I want.


How many layers will I remove
How close to the core will I get
Just how many will be revealed


Before


Before I'm fed up
Before you leave me
Before the fairy tale ends
Before I'm replaced
Before the future happens


I don't belong there
I'm a creature of the past
The future is a monster
That I can't face


Don't ask me to dwell on him
Don't ask me to prepare for him


When that time comes
I'll be gone
I'll run away
I'll be left behind
Remembering the past


I hoodwink you!
My deceptions make the present last longer
My trickery keeps the future at bay


I'll pour salt into your eyes
Blind you
I don't want you to see the truth
I'm so bad at the truth


The truth makes the future come
The truth makes you realize that I'm shit
The truth makes me scared


No one survives the truth
No one stays after knowing it


Why would you?
How could you?


This isn't what I want.


What I want is a dream
A fantasy
An impossible goal
It could never happen


Ignore what I want
Settle


If I can't get what I want,
I'll get as close as possible
I'll do whatever it takes
To get as close as possible


The name of the game, friend
How much pain will you cause me
Before you leave me?
And you will


This is not what I want.


It's never about what I want.