Poetry: Before I Knew

A desire
A longing
A wish
A short contemplation of the mind
A slight sorrow
A break in thought
Not to be thought again
Till another day

An unlived fantasy of the mind
Drawing life from dearth
A bother
A hindrance
But
Nothing more

Then one day
Among thoughts of need
Availability is there
Possibility is here
Going along out of fear
Don't want to miss an opportunity
The comings and goings of which are too fast

So now I have a taste
It unleashed my appetite
A desire before? A desperation now
A longing before? A burning now
A wish before? A craving now
A small thought turned to all day obsession
Mad with yearning
There is no other thought
Hoping to end this consideration
With the end of today

If I knew this power of my mind
Drawing and reflecting given a taste of my desire
Then
Would I have let myself still be led here?
Weak in coveting
Because I know.

Poetry: It Couldn't Happen to Me

A small child idolizes the future
Takes the pain of the world
Putting on some rose-coloured glasses
Bringing light to the darkness
Unaware of truth or perhaps more so

They can wish for hardness
They can wish for difficulty
They can wish for pain

They can want the things that cause tears
And call it real
They can see the fights between their parents
And call it love
They can ask for the difficulties of adulthood
And call it mature

They don't really think it'll happen
To them

That's why they can idolize it
Think that they can do it better
Trusting that they will be stronger people
Than the ones who came before

Then as they grow
And deviations from plan spiral along
The fabrics of a dream unravel
Turning dark, becoming living nightmares

When being broke was a joke
Well, not anymore as you see your wife starve
When being mugged was a game
Well, not anymore as you lost your weekly salary
When being raped was romanticized
Well, not when you're scared out of your mind
When fighting was considered communication
Well, not when it came to blows and a hospital bill
When brutality was considered heroic
Well, not when you see your best bud die
When growing up and moving out was ideal
Well, not when you're living paycheck to paycheck
And you still don't know what you'll be doing with your life
Because
Because
You lost your dream
And not only is it gone but
You can't even remember what it was

And you can only sing along to songs
Saying how no one ever said life'd be this hard
Wanting to start again
With the information of now

Filled with morose thinking of a halcyon youth
Back when

It couldn't happen to me.

Poetry: Passing Days

Tomorrow seems so far away; distant and vague, remembering the yesterdays that have past brings memories that I don't know what to do with; dare I go back to remembering, so let us linger in today; living the life that we presently have and learn to love me for all of me no matter what may happen.

Poetry: Reflecting

I see you sometimes
Walking, sitting, living

It's been months since our last encounter
I can't claim to know who you are anymore

Have you changed since then?
I feel like none of me has remained the same

But I see you
It no longer saddens me

I take a small moment to ponder
Are you happy with your life?

Do you still have the same excessive poor diet?
Are you still a loner?

I don't really want to know you again
Finally, you're just a stranger

So I wonder if you're okay for a small moment
Before I forget that I saw you.

Poetry: Here

One night of passion
A single day where reason fades away
The solitary moment when bad decisions were made

Oh how they taint us
And turn our skin black
Our mind's eye can never un-see
The events that taint our memory

We try to move on
It never happened, we think
A dream best forgotten
A nightmare
Waiting to be unleashed

We stand and look proud
And act with defiance
But inside we're broken
And trembling sets in
Doubt floods the mind
Leaving us weak and mild

And I see you now
But you can't see me
All of the emotions gripping
Fighting for control
And I can't think straight
My heart's all align and
Stop

I'm here
You're there
Look at me
Please tell me
What are you thinking?
I don't want to live like this

My walls are held up by nothing
The platform has disappeared
A cornerstone missing
You can see the foundation lacking
No roof to protect me

Please don't desert me
Trust me to understand
Let me see
I'll tell you what you mean to me

But it takes two to dance
And you're not walking towards me
So I'm not gonna push it

One night of mistakes
That lead to this mess

All I want is to communicate

I await your desire and availability
Here

I am defeated.

Poetry: Broken, Bleeding

The hand is shaking
But the grip is smooth
The flesh is cold
But the blood runs hot

This
This is what I need
Self despising yet
Gleeful in anticipation

The knife is sharpened
The hands quiver
The blade grazes the skin
Just play for a second
No need to rush
All you have is time
Full focus

After months of cloudy judgment
Negatory thoughts
Doubt
Confusion

Here
Here is clarity
Here is calm

The blade flirts with the skin
Pressing its power
Down
It creates a dent
Down
Soft release

A pool wells at the edges
Filling
Overflowing

Release
The fog in the mind dispersed

A tear rolls down the cheek unnoticed
Pure, unadulterated freedom
Feelings finally known

The prize almost sexual
It's primal
Falling in love
With the simplicity of pain

Watching in subdued tones of contentment
Red fills the empty space
The ichor of the soul
Poured

Sleepiness overtakes all slaves of the blade
Stealing away residues of body heat
The clarity leaves
And numbness takes its seat

Wash away the evidence
Bandage the wound
Hide the betrayal
There's no need for anyone else to see

Let the sheets consume the husk
The carapace sleeps while the heart bleeds
Another day stands in wait

Surviving release to release
Praying not to OD

Poetry: The Shell

I'm drifting.
The wind blows and I rush along
In directions
I shouldn't claim as mine.

This path is so inconsistent
This lifestyle isn't me

I look in the mirror
And I can't recognize a thing.

Like a snake that shed its skin
I am the husk that is left

Watch me try to pretend to be a snake
Watch me get torn
Ripped
Broken
Fading

Plaster yourself up, I say.
Add some glue,
Some stones,
Some sticks

Fill yourself up with lies and mud
Pretend to still be a snake

Failing to do each task set before you
Your deceit just causes more ripping

Maybe it's time to retire.
Put the stones back in the pond,
The sticks at the base of the tree.

Stop letting yourself be weighed down
By things you're just pretending to be.

Then you'll fly free

I'll fly away as little old me
An empty husk forever to be.