Poetry: Here

One night of passion
A single day where reason fades away
The solitary moment when bad decisions were made

Oh how they taint us
And turn our skin black
Our mind's eye can never un-see
The events that taint our memory

We try to move on
It never happened, we think
A dream best forgotten
A nightmare
Waiting to be unleashed

We stand and look proud
And act with defiance
But inside we're broken
And trembling sets in
Doubt floods the mind
Leaving us weak and mild

And I see you now
But you can't see me
All of the emotions gripping
Fighting for control
And I can't think straight
My heart's all align and
Stop

I'm here
You're there
Look at me
Please tell me
What are you thinking?
I don't want to live like this

My walls are held up by nothing
The platform has disappeared
A cornerstone missing
You can see the foundation lacking
No roof to protect me

Please don't desert me
Trust me to understand
Let me see
I'll tell you what you mean to me

But it takes two to dance
And you're not walking towards me
So I'm not gonna push it

One night of mistakes
That lead to this mess

All I want is to communicate

I await your desire and availability
Here

I am defeated.

Poetry: Broken, Bleeding

The hand is shaking
But the grip is smooth
The flesh is cold
But the blood runs hot

This
This is what I need
Self despising yet
Gleeful in anticipation

The knife is sharpened
The hands quiver
The blade grazes the skin
Just play for a second
No need to rush
All you have is time
Full focus

After months of cloudy judgment
Negatory thoughts
Doubt
Confusion

Here
Here is clarity
Here is calm

The blade flirts with the skin
Pressing its power
Down
It creates a dent
Down
Soft release

A pool wells at the edges
Filling
Overflowing

Release
The fog in the mind dispersed

A tear rolls down the cheek unnoticed
Pure, unadulterated freedom
Feelings finally known

The prize almost sexual
It's primal
Falling in love
With the simplicity of pain

Watching in subdued tones of contentment
Red fills the empty space
The ichor of the soul
Poured

Sleepiness overtakes all slaves of the blade
Stealing away residues of body heat
The clarity leaves
And numbness takes its seat

Wash away the evidence
Bandage the wound
Hide the betrayal
There's no need for anyone else to see

Let the sheets consume the husk
The carapace sleeps while the heart bleeds
Another day stands in wait

Surviving release to release
Praying not to OD

Poetry: The Shell

I'm drifting.
The wind blows and I rush along
In directions
I shouldn't claim as mine.

This path is so inconsistent
This lifestyle isn't me

I look in the mirror
And I can't recognize a thing.

Like a snake that shed its skin
I am the husk that is left

Watch me try to pretend to be a snake
Watch me get torn
Ripped
Broken
Fading

Plaster yourself up, I say.
Add some glue,
Some stones,
Some sticks

Fill yourself up with lies and mud
Pretend to still be a snake

Failing to do each task set before you
Your deceit just causes more ripping

Maybe it's time to retire.
Put the stones back in the pond,
The sticks at the base of the tree.

Stop letting yourself be weighed down
By things you're just pretending to be.

Then you'll fly free

I'll fly away as little old me
An empty husk forever to be.

Give me War

"Do you think that I have come to establish peace on the earth? No, I tell you, but rather division. From now on a household of five will be divided, three against two and two against three; a father will be divided against his son and a son against his father, a mother against her daughter and a daughter against her mother, a mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law." Luke 12:51-53

How are we divided? Let's look at what is being said and what is left inferred in other passages.
A father and son in disunity
A mother and daughter in disunity
A daughter-in-law and mother-in-law in disunity

But father and mother, the married couple are unified.
The siblings show no strife between them.
The daughter-in-law may as well be the mother.
Couple against their children and their parent.

May as well be against the world.
But aren't they?
Jesus calls himself the bridegroom of the church.
It is said that what God has put together no man can separate.
There is so much emphasis on the relationship of marriage...

And none on any other.
In fact, he claims division even at our most basic.
Our core.

What does it mean to be a follower of Christ?
To be a house divided?
To have every one in the world stacked up against you?
As long as you're holding onto the arm of Jesus, yes.
He is saying to join him against the world.
Abandon your family.
Abandon your earthly ties.
Abandon your sin.
Abandon all so that you can be with him.

Everything that makes a relationship toxic...
Everything that makes a relationship cultish...
Everything that makes a relationship separate from the world...
Do it all
Do it with Jesus.

With Love, it cannot go sour.
Hopeless abandon.
Blood is not strong enough.
Brotherhood is not good enough.
But the Love of the Lord?
It is the only thing that is enough.

We keep putting our Christianity into this nice box.
Jesus came for the poor.
Jesus was a good person.
Jesus cared about love.
Jesus served the needy.
But
We aren't listening.

When Jesus hung out with Samaritans...
And we who call ourselves Christian are visibly racist.
When Jesus ate with the tax collectors...
And we demand harsher and harsher penalties for crime.

Jesus left towns of starving, needy people to continue on.
Jesus rebuked those who became materialistic.
Jesus said he wasn't here to help... but to cause discord.
Jesus kept reminding his disciples to focus and listen.
So what weren't they getting?

The battle to come.
The battle for souls reached out across the stars between Heaven and Hell.
The toll of conflict.
The toll of peace.

We aren't listening.

The world is coming to end, the nigh is near.
Dusk is approaching and... we aren't lighting our candles.
Settle into depths of night, close our eyes, let sleep wash over us.
The sleep of death.

Fight back!
Don't let him rob you in the night.
The flaccid are the first to fall.
The opposition follows.

An attack is approaching and we're still on the coach, sipping a beer.

Give me war.
Let me taste the blood of the fallen and my injuries.
It's time to stand and let the Sword of Truth rise.

Persecution is surrounding us, enclosing the world in its prison.
Gather together, we're in a time of waiting.
Like Russia, we're letting them draw us in.
But it's almost time to conquer them in the night!

Come, come!

Listen.

We are alone in Jesus.
Neighbors leave us.
Family persecutes us.
Children desert us.
Friends abandon us.
But.
We are with the Lord.

So let's start acting like it.

Stop picking your losses and
Give me war.

We're needing soldiers.

Poetry: At my Most Vulnerable

Here I am
Drowning in work
The stress over it all
Looming overheard
Here I am
On a path all to myself
Walking along unguided
Here I am
Trying to navigate these waters

When there is no one to turn to
But a chorus of people yelling support
When there is only darkness
And people keep proclaiming of light
When everyone is busy
Who can you bother, Ms Annoying?

The efforts of the past
To build your own community
Failed
The friends of good times old
Leave you behind
Forgotten
The promises of many
Under the sands of time
Erased

When every time before
No matter the worst things got
You at least had your blood
But now the rain comes crashing
And even that has slept under the rock
So you stand alone, barren

Putting on a mask of a face
Hiding away your soul
Pieces gone away forever
For they weren't made for a box
Excusing the state because
There's no structure left

All the trees were chopped down
Uprooted too
The buildings crumpled
Rubble remains
Not a soul left
For many miles

So I walk alone
The winds tear at my flesh
Taunting me with names
The rain beats down
Erasing the time

I'm tired
Stressed
Lonely
Fed up

All these feelings
Bottled inside
No release because...
There's no one there
Nothing to take the pressure away

When a sociable creature is isolated
Left for dead
Remains alone too long
They will all go mad
It's not that I'm needy
My sanity requires this

So I say yes when
The answer should be no
And I stay when asked
Because I can't play
Hard to get games
And my coyness makes
My definite answers seem not
And my simpering temperament
Makes all men bold

Nothing wrong happened
And you certainly had fun
I guess I enjoyed parts too
But
This is me
In a state of weakness

You could say I fear the next horizon
You could say I am not ready for this
You could say I have much uncertainty
In fact, you could say almost anything

This is me
Here I am
Look me in the eye
(But not like that)
And see
I'm struggling

And with no one to turn to
And with no one to care
And with no one to speak with
Then, I guess
What's to stop me?

Nothing is holding me back any longer
I'm at my most vulnerable
And you're here
Showing you're available and ready

Mr Flirt, Mr Bad News
You could say I need you

Incapable of Love

You live your life, looking out with longing-- desperately trying to find someone to fulfill a void inside yourself. You're lonely, you long for company... but the harder you try just seems to make the reality slip further and further away and you're left alone wondering why.

It's because of how I look, she says.
It's my personality, he claims.
I don't really want to be with anyone right now anyway, they say defensively.
But at the heart of them, they're desperate: willing to take the first offer they get, hoping that someone will eventually love them.
Even though they don't love themselves.
Even though part of them wonders how anyone could ever love them.

And they failed to realize the most important thing:
If you don't love yourself, it is impossible for you to love another. You may experience lust, infatuation, extreme devotion, ... but love has to come from purity. And this vile way of thinking of yourself can never result in something as beautiful as love.

It originates with the start of Love. Love is Triune because it has to be to be love. Love is not focused on self or gain but rather on the well-being of another. Love is a selfless giving and it must be a relationship. However, love is not toxic or limiting. There is no end to the supply of love but rather in the presence of love it flourishes and expands and grows. Love reaches out from a relationship based on giving and creates life. To have love, all three elements must be present: Father, Son, Holy Spirit.

Love can't start from a place of need. You cannot love if you are desperate for that reciprocation. You are too focused on your own self and your own desires and needs to ever understand what it'd truly be like to love the one you claim your emotions to. It's narcissistic in a creepy masochistic way. It's saying: even I'm not capable of positive feelings towards myself but I'm going to stake my worth on your opinions of me, knowing that it's not possible for them to be positive. That isn't love.

Love is not exclusive. Getting super caught up in the presence of each other that you lose all connection with aquaintances, friends, family, what have you is just... cultish. You are your own person and as great as love is, you do not need them or their love to live. They are not your life line: Jesus is. Making someone your everything is idolatry and leaves you with a very unhealthy dependence upon them as your object of infatuation. Your relationship becomes toxic as it focuses on worshipping each other and yourselves. When something comes in to break that relationship apart or widen its boundaries, it completely shatters the relationship. Whether that be a death in a family, an abortion, distance, loss of work, changing opinions, ... strain comes in. But because you're so isolated from the world, you don't have anything to steady yourself. There is no life support. So, down you go. One final fall. A romanticized pernicious interaction.

I'm so sick of hearing people say things that rely upon fixing themselves before they'll be good enough to receive love. BS on that! We are loved. All of us, totally, truly, and forever. We just have to accept that we're worth it. We're good enough for it. That fixing our faults is great but it's not a factor in determining our worth. So stop acting like it does!

You cannot love until you've been loved. Well, we are loved... we just need to admit it. Not say it, not roll our eyes and move on with life... but to realize at the core of being that we were created by Love, for love. And I'm sorry, but until you realize your worth, until you stop checking out that scale, until you stop feeling sorry for yourself for not reaching your ideal version of yourself... until it stops being about you and starts being about God, you are incapable of love.

And we wonder why the world is in moral decline.

Poetry: Girl Made of Porcelain

I'm a girl made of porcelain
Simple as can be
You can set me on display
Or play for hours three

If you set me down
You'll not dust me
But I'll last forever
On display only watching

If you play with my body
You'll discover the hardness of my skin
But the fragility upon dropping
Only by harming me

My face is set and unchanging
If it scares you there's nothing to be done
If you think it pretty I thank you
Too often I am an object of angst

Alone on an a shelf I ponder
At the hollowness of my shell
The paint on my face that scares you
The cotton dress that feels wrong

I did not choose to made into this
I was not present at my birth
The doll that is regarded as regal
But is played with next to none

Some see me as old-fashioned
Some see me as lacking all worth
Still others just see Chucky
Or a step from foreign birthing

I've been around for a while
But I guess I'm getting more rare
When once people knew how to see me
Now there's confusion; I despair

I'm a girl made of porcelain
I know what I am
Your inexperience has not changed me
Just left cracks in my stone

I am what you see
Nothing deeper to discover
Your voyage to know me destroys me
Leaving rumble in your hands

The life I was given is not easy
But it's what I have to hold
I was created for a reason
So don't lay me in the attic alone