Extroverts Have No Friends

*Nothing stated below can be used to interpret the nature of the author of this blog as an individual.

Extroverts have no friends. Seriously, we do not. We have an overabundance of acquaintances that view us as "that crazy person whom they hang out with but are not really friends with but that's okay because they have a lot of friends, right?" Wrong, wrong, wrong. Everyone views me that way. I go out of my way to sit with you at lunch and strike a conversation and invite you to hang out and do random crap with me and you view me as an acquaintance because I act that way constantly with admittedly a seemingly large group of people that do not know each other. I don't really know them either but we eat lunch at the same time of day so there's that.

We need constant stimulation that doesn't rely on group size (it's still needed) but the quality of conversation. We long to be involved and thus often talk but want to listen just as well if others were interested in striking the conversation. Others usually do not and thus listen to the chatterbox over here, making the distance between us even wider as I learn nothing of you or your life except the stupid, simple, material answers to conversation-starter questions while I am the only one handing out sensitive information about myself.

We never spend enough time with anybody that we know. Ever. I could spend 18 hours in a day with someone and the second that they are gone I regret saying goodbye. It doesn't matter if we are close or not, we need more people time than can ever be offered. It's not because we like you, in fact we rarely flirt with those that we socialize with but that does not mean that the time spent together was not treasured or valuable. In fact, I need it to feel like I'm living. I hear introverts need alone time to gather themselves and think or whatever but when I am alone, it's because no one cares enough about my needs to go out of their way for me they way I do every time I see them. I go crazy when I am without company and it hurts to know that no one knows where I am or how I'm struggling through my life. I sit there, getting more and more morose by the second, unable to do my work without feeling and hearing life around me.

I have a large family that I do not see enough of. And it pangs my heart to think of the distance between me and them. Granted, I love that they love me... but that doesn't stop me from thinking that they must love others more and care for them more when I'm not the one that they want to spend time with or use as a crying shoulder. I constantly think, "What must I do to be good enough for you, because obviously I'm not there yet. If I were, then we would spend time together because there's nothing that shows love greater than sacrificing your time for others." I approach people at school in a similar fashion... yes, we eat together, and yes, I talk at you, and yes, we spent a "good" portion of every weekend together but... we're not friends yet. And I get so confused as to how all these introverted people can assume we're friends when we don't rely upon each other or seriously talk and debate and hang out just to hang out; with no more reason upon it than that, regardless of homework load or any other excuse.

I am miserable all the time, most of the time. When I am surrounded by others, I can only think of how many minutes are left until we depart and how many hours, days, weeks, months, years... will pass before we will meet again for another short period of time. And the time will be short, it always is. If I am having a bad day, a smile is still latched onto my face, strangling my emotions because no one is willing to know or share the load of stress I constantly feel. I start the conversation, I choose to seek you out, I notice the inner conflicts in you and jest to make you feel better because I need that stimulation to feel as more than just another bundle of cells formed to make yet another, dumb, useless, human body bag. I ask you questions about your life, plans, goals, successes, failures... and I respond positively to you always. But you never ask these things back. So how can we be close? We aren't. We never were. I am a parasite living off your existence and you view me as such.

How can the very thing that I want cause me so much sadness? I just want company but when I seek it out it always rejects me. I'm the person in our lunch group that thrives off the conversation without being in the inside jokes. I support your life without knowing any of it. I cheer up your bad days without knowing why it was so bad. It's like... I'm reaching out into the darkness for someone's hand but just when I'm about to grab it, I notice that they prefer the isolation in the dark, their arms folded across their chests, content to live alone in the darkness... and there's nothing I can do to convince them that the dark isn't scary but it's certainly lonely and oh how much I long and desire and crave and seek someone's hand to feel like I'm not useless in the darkness. But they don't want my hand, so I can't offer it. So I can't grab onto someone else's hand for my sake because I must let their hands remain free for their sake. And this makes them happy, which in consequence I am glad for, but that does not stave off the isolation and rejection I feel.

Raise your hand if you're the only one who raises their hand in class when the teacher asks a question. Who stands alone on an issue because it's better to stand for beliefs than to hide in the safety of the group. Who has been called unsympathetic, demanding, loud, obnoxious, ignorant, or unintelligent just because you're not an introvert who values alone time and views everyone as unconnected individuals who have no effect on others. That's me. But because I raised my hand, because I chose to speak out, I have lost the right to hold emotion. Their anger will come upon me in a wave and I have to face that. That is the social law. It's not that I'm confident to a fault... in fact I have very little confidence in myself. But I need opposition, conversation, interaction. And if I'm not getting it, I will find it out of need. Yes, I'm talking to 10 random strangers right now. And it's got me suck between YES PEOPLE, FINALLY and CRAP, THIS IS AWKWARD. Everyone thinks I have no social inhibitions but really my inhibitions about strangers aren't as strong as my need to be surrounded by others. So I stick around, antsy about making the choice to stay because part of me believes that leaving would be even worse and damn it, I need this. I am dependent upon others to feel alive. It is my drug of choice. I am addicted and my withdrawal symptoms are instantaneous, filling me with doubt and self disgust. How can I be worth anything to others if they don't want my company? How can they see positively if they don't bother to find out who I am? And so I tell them. So I seek out people and bother them, and yes, I fully know that you don't want me around, you're sick and tired of hearing my bratty voice that just goes on and on and on about crap you don't care about but frankly... I need to vent and it's gonna take quite a few people to get it out because frankly one person isn't enough to make me feel understood or loved. I need to tell my husband, my sisters, my brothers, my parents, my aunts, my uncles, my children, my neighbors, my friends, and the dog before I feel better. And they're never willing to give that to me. Because for some dumb reason I get to be one of the only extroverts in my family of extreme introversion. And it drives me crazy. Because if I ask too hard or talk too much or show them too much love, suddenly I'm pushy. I'm a jerk. I'm needy. I'm too intense. I'm around too often. I'm a loud mouth. I'm insensitive. I'm the person who gets friend-dumped for wanting to be in their lives. Sometimes I get friend-dumped by casual acquaintances that I've only talked to half a dozen times. And then I'm told that I'm being too dramatic and should go find people "like myself" to talk with because I'm driving their introverted selves mad. Well guess what? Introverts are way more common than extroverts, brat. It just seems the opposite because you're all too busy denying your existence as a social creature. What you witness as extroversion most of the time is just introverts finally opening up a tad because they're with people that they are super close with and can handle interaction in public for an hour before they go hide in their isolation-caves again. Not to diss on introverts or anything, but they literally suck away my happiness because I am forced to give in to their isolation all the time. And they don't understand how much it hurts... but you can't let them feel bad about it because you've been told this so often that you know it's a you problem and not theirs. And since you're the constant chatterbox of the group, obviously you never get upset or lonely, it makes no sense! So I smile and say "see you later," without letting them know how heavy the hurt is in my heart for letting them go... and since they never seem to want my attention or presence, I guess we're not friends either. No one wants to show me themselves or spend quality time with me. So I'm abandoned. Constantly. And the rejection hurts every time. I don't care about our reasons or prior commitments!

I just want to have a long deep conversation about crap, I just want to play cards until midnight, I just want to fall asleep in your lap talking about life, I just want to cook food and have you eat it, appreciating me. I just want to be in the same room as you while I work on my homework even if that means we get a little off track sometimes. I want to talk to you because your friend annoys me and I can't stand being around them so I need your company to feel better. I want to read a book in the same room that you're reading in. I want to talk about nothing and everything. I want make out with your for hours. I want to be able to want you and not get insulted for feeling how I do. Nothing makes me feel better than surrounding myself with a group of people with stars in their eyes with emotion and trust as we do what we do best: socialize.

But it's important to distinguish between fantasy and reality. And in reality... I have no friends. Not because I'm not a good person, not because I'm not loyal or trustworthy... actually I a good person, I am loyal, I am trustworthy. But. I am an extrovert and not one of those fakers who can pull of social interactions but still needs "me time". No. I am an extrovert who feels worthless without others around, causing suicidal thoughts in my loneliness. I interact out of need but no one knows the horrors of my heart. I am an extrovert.

And I have no friends.