Reassure Me

My head spun with anxiety. All I wanted was to be in his arms but I didn’t feel like I belonged there. I looked at him with torn emotions and bolted out of the room without any explanation, running down the hallway and collapsing against a closet door.

Why did I always have to create such drama? If I just let things be, we could be happy…

I cried at my own weakness, my inability to let things go. My personal refusal to accept his love. I wanted to die. As much as I didn’t want to let him go, I felt guilty for having him. He was better than I. Curling up really small, I felt immature and stupid. My fears and incompetence swirled in my head and crawled to the back of the closet, feeling the cold walls touch my skin as if to further accentuate my point. I was alone.

Tears blurred my vision not that I would have seen much anyway in the dark armoire I had escaped to. Just kidding, it was a closet. My ears rung in my sorrow so all I could hear was the soft noises that were escaping from my own person. The shuffling of my limbs against the ground, the unsteady beating of my heart, the small release of each new tear as it fell from my face. I buried my face in my hands as if hiding into layers of darkness as if I was the center of a matryoshka doll set.

I didn’t hear him enter the room.
I didn’t hear him come to the closet and sit outside.
I didn’t hear him place his hand onto the wood, as if to reach out to me across an unbreakable boundary.
I didn’t hear him sigh as he questioned whether or not to open it.
I didn’t hear him slide the door open slowly so as to not startle me.
I didn’t hear him.

Not until he sat next to me and pulled me into his lap and asked me not to cry. He stroked my cheek softly and made sure that I felt his arms wrapped around me tightly like a shield of protection from the outside world. I looked up at him with shame and only saw concern and love that wouldn’t let me refuse his offer.

We kissed softly and I’m not really sure who initiated but it was wet with my tears and gentle with uncertainty. He pulled me in closer and pet my head to reassure me.

“I’m not going to leave you,” he whispered slowly, as if answering a question that I forgot to verbalize. “I love you.”

“You’re too good to me,” I protested with gratitude.

“I know,” he said with a smile as he kissed me again.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly, not wanting for the embrace to ever end. He just breathed me in while nuzzling my cheek affectionately. I forgot that we were in a closet. I forgot my fears and my doubts. Caught in his embrace I could only think of how much he made me happy and how much I wanted to please him.

Shower Time

She woke up to the sun rising in the far distance and a slight headache present above her eyes. She had hoped that the rest would have helped clear her head and make her feel better but it hadn’t. She slunk over to the shower and turned it on, not caring that the water was barely warm. She threw off her clothes and entered, slinking against the wall almost immediately. The water beat down on her flesh, forming pools at her crevices. She just lay there, stunned with no motivation to get on with her day. She looked up at the shower head and closed her eyes as the water beat down on her face. She took a deep sorrowful breath and let quiet tears fall. Her shoulders shook and her breathing lost consistency as she sat, wondering when her life would change. Eventually the tears ran out, letting the water wash away her salty evidence. She burrowed her face into hands, massaging her temple as a conclusion to her moment of emotional weakness. Slowly, she rose off of the floor of the shower and started to shampoo her hair. Her hands worked slowly and meticulously, lathering her hair completely before rinsing. She applied her conditioner and leaned against the wall as she tried to form a complete thought to little avail. After a few minutes she rinsed out her hair once again until the only feeling left in her hair was water. She turned off the tap, dried herself off, and slunked back to her bedroom. She sat down in her chair and despondently wished for some company.

Stand By Me

She looked at him, obviously hurt by his words but not moving to anger nor saying anything in protest. She slowly walked closer to him as the pain in her eyes softened to something he didn’t quite recognize and she leaned forward and kissed his lips softly for what seemed like forever but was probably less than 30 seconds. She broke off the kiss and continued looking at him with that face he didn’t recognize and for reasons he still didn’t understand, he started crying as a single tear fell down her cheek. He felt her take him into her bosom and hold him in place, letting her heartbeat steady his tears as she stroked the back of his head.

His head spun with questions he wished he knew the answers to but he remained silent as she held him in place and he accepted that as enough as she slowly started rocking him in her arms.

They slunk to the ground, both uncaring about the cleanliness of the floor as they held each other in their arms and he kissed her softly as he realized that he loved her. She smiled at him and brushed her hair behind her ear and leaned into his shoulder as he held onto her waist and pulled her closer to himself. She nestled against him and fell asleep with a slight smile on her face as he looked down at her and thought about how they ended up here.

Looking down at her, he realized that she was much stronger than he ever gave her credit for. So many people in their situation would have let an argument start, a divorce occur, violence rupture. Heck, that’s what happened in all the TV dramas and with both of their parents. Yet… she didn’t let any of those things happen. He had hurt her and she still stood by him and loved him. He couldn’t understand it. He didn’t need to. He closed his eyes as he breathed her in and let it be enough. She was enough.