Poetry: Heart

Heart was radiant
It glowed
It beat
The blood poured through
Everything was good
It buzzed and murmured in happiness

When the veins didn't try hard enough to reach the heart,
It sucked them in anyways.
When the arteries were slow it pumped hard enough for it to not matter.
When the blood was thick with iron
It did not matter.
When the blood was thin with water
It did not matter.
Atrium, ventricle, aorta all worked together.

And so it was happy.

But this kind of happiness is false.
This delusion of a community fell apart.
For picking others' slack for so long,
heart grew weary.
Heart was tired.
Heart eventually slacked.

But the veins tried no harder,
So they were not sucked in.
The arteries pumped no faster and so the blood slowed.
When the blood was thick with iron,
It did not move.
When the blood was thin with water,
It mixed incorrectly with heightened speed.
Atrium, ventricle, aorta all struggling alone.

And so it was unhappy.

After seeing the truth,
heart could no longer lie.
The joy was gone with the innocence.
Sorrow replaced happiness.
Anger replaced sorrow.
Failure replaced anger.
Heart was dying.
And nothing had changed.

Heart decided to leave.
And so she did.
It was hard, letting go of old attachments.
Trying to reason with herself for reasons to stay.
But in her mind, she knew the truth.
Poisonous environments are meant to be left behind.
And this was one.

So she left.
And she's broken still.
But one day
If she's lucky
And willing
And patient
And beautiful
And kind,
Heart will be fixed by those who deserve her.
If she's willing to accept them.

Poetry: Dying

I am dying

Am I afraid?

Once, a long time ago,

I thought I feared death.

Now, as its chariot fast approaches

I see naught but tears.

My mother is shriveled and worn with exhaustion.

My father is silent and cold.

My sister won't even look me in the eye.

And my brother is once again gone.

I was raised around people,

Always surrounded, never alone.

But now, now that I have come to my end,

Who is there to love me now?

When have I ever felt real love?

When have I ever done anything right?

It is my turn to be the one to say goodbye.

But I, I can't.

They say, "Your love's too thick."

They say that I try too hard.

Do I?

Am I really that horrible?

I am alone.

Am I afraid?

My skin feels dry and my tears erode between it.

My throat is gone, my senses are diminished.

Is this the end?

I thought there was a light.

I always wanted to see alight.

Guess I'll see it...

Tomorrow

Essay: The Odyssey

The Role of Odysseus as a Leader

Most stories in literature have a leader that the minor characters look up to and follow. They do so because they believe in them as the leaders respect them as well. A leader is someone who is personally involved with those around themselves, seeking their advice, and while being superior does not gloat down on them. In the epic The Odyssey by Homer, the main character, Odysseus, shows poor leadership skills by failing to successfully navigate his crew due to his inability to act as a leader instead of a commander or a king. Oftentimes Odysseus relies on his status as the king or a great war general as reasons why his crew should follow him instead of showing them great leadership. Odysseus also tends to slack in his duties as a leader by acting recklessly on his impulses or falling asleep when his crew needs to be kept in line. Odysseus also lacks empathy for his crew, whose lives he uses for his own goal of trying to reach home, disregarding their own value.

This subject may seem controversial as Odysseus is described with strong abilities in the epic poem. However, every accomplishment made by Odysseus was with the strong guidance of the gods, particularly Athena, or when he took on the strategical attitude of a warrior or the role of a king. In this way, he is not a leader. A leader is a personal position, where they must guide and inspire their men into following their plan of action. A leader has to communicate with those around themselves and see them as more than just means to an end. A king or a general looks at their people as pawns, using them like chess pieces to get what they want. While they may have feelings towards their men, the individual pawns are not given much consideration when conceiving plans, such as when Odysseus sacrificed his men to travel through dangerous regions. “Scylla snatched six men from out hollow ship, the toughest, strongest hands I had, and glancing backward over the decks, searching for my crew I could see their hands and feet already hoisted…” (Book 12, 264) As a leader, Odysseus made the decision to pass by the Scylla, who he knew would eat six men per boat in the passing so that they could continue their journey home along this route even though this path lead to the island he was told to avoid. He views his men as pawns in this moment, a necessary sacrifice on the journey home and while there was no other route to take, by not trying to find some way around these unneeded deaths, his is giving his men the impression that they do not matter and can be disposed of just as easily.

A king does not trust his people. This is the reason why kings are surrounded by guards and bark orders instead of personally involving themselves with the people. Generals are the same way, and since these two roles that Odysseus has are so similar, he is often told of his greatness regarding these two. “‘Royal son of Laertes, Odysseus, mastermind of war.’” (Book 11, 458) Odysseus is often admired for his strengths. However, when he is on that ship with his men, he cannot act the same way he does when his other roles take priority because while on the boat, it is just him and his men. They have a personal interaction with each other, Odysseus does not have guards or soldiers to force or threaten the men to follow him. While he is king, their laws are not as rigid as they would be in Ithaca and his rules do not have as much force and meaning because the crew members see him as a person instead of as their glorified figure head. While he is superior and their king, he cannot act in his usual pompous way because he does not the power to do so. He has to be someone who will be followed for who they are rather than the title they hold. Odysseus has a hard time trying to lead his men as is necessary for their circumstances such as when it was time to leave the city they burnt to the ground. “I sacked the city, killed the men, but as for the wives and plunder… we shared it round so no one, not on my account, would go deprived of his fair share of spoils. Then I urged them to cut and run, set sail, but would they listen? Not those mutinous fools; there was too much wine to swill…” (Book 9, 45) Odysseus is a good king, he is a great soldier, he can even scheme well, but he cannot lead. In fact, after this scene, when they finally manage to leave, Odysseus does not mention punishing his men for mutiny, considering them as he always has, great soldiers.

Odysseus often acts recklessly based upon desire, thus endangering his men and himself. This is shown primarily when he encounters a land that he is unfamiliar with. When he comes upon something foreign, he sends out scouts to survey the area without gifts which would ensure that their presence does not insult anyone. Sometimes he accompanies them, which is dangerous because he does not know what lies ahead and he is the one of charge. “I told most of my good trusty crew to wait, to sit tight by the ship and guard her well while I picked out my dozen finest fighters and off I went.” (Book 9, 215) Odysseus acts very selfishly in this moment, not thinking of the consequences that entail going off on adventures when his main priority should be his crew’s safety and return home. When he visits the Cyclops, he forces his men to stay out of his own personal greed and to appear hospitable instead of doing what would be best for the majority of them in that situation, which was to take the spoils against the customs of hospitality and run before the situation got out of control. “From the start my comrades pressed me, pleading hard, ‘Let’s make away with the cheeses, then come back — hurry, drive the lambs and kids from the pens to our swift ship, put out to sea at once!’ But I would not give way…” (Book 9, 152) While his men urge Odysseus to be inhospitable quite a lot in the story, there are times, such as this one when Odysseus must choose between manners and safety, almost always choosing manners which endangers his mens’ lives. This type of action that Odysseus displays makes it more difficult for his men to trust that he will act according to their needs and interests instead of foolishly clinging onto customs that do not apply in certain situations. This is Odysseus’ greatest flaw and the reason he cannot be a leader. He is unable to change the way he acts based upon the situation at hand. Because of this, it is easy to take advantage of him and betray him. Another great moment that caused his men to lose faith in him was when he shouted out his name to the Cyclops as they were running away, guaranteeing that Poseidon would be wrathful towards Odysseus and his crew members. (Book 9, 558)

Odysseus has the problem of not listening to sound advice. When he traveled to the underworld, he was told, “‘Even so, you and your crew may still reach home, suffering all the way, if you only have the power to curb their wild desire and curb your own… Leave the beasts unharmed, your mind set on home, and you may still reach Ithaca — bent with hardship, true — but harm them in any way, and I can see it now: your ship destroyed, your men destroyed as well… you will find a world of pain at home, crude, arrogant men devouring all your goods, courting your nobel wife, offering gifts to win her.’” (Book 11, 117) Knowing this warning, Odysseus does not do an awful lot to prevent this foreboding message from coming to fruition. Even if this event was fated to happen, a leader would have at least done something to try to fight this from coming true. Odysseus hears the prophecy, and then expects it not to happen, even though he was told that he would have to keep his men in check to prevent the deaths of his crew. Expecting his men to follow an oath while they are constantly tempted and hungry is something a king or a general may think, but not a leader who should know his men better than that. He especially should have known that Eurylochus was starting to come into a stronger leadership position with the men and his own doubts about Odysseus’ skills in getting them back home were starting to sink in. This is shown in Book 10, “Only Eurylochus stayed behind — he sensed a trap…” (256) where it shows that Eurylochus is clear-headed and is able to judge a situation accordingly. When the men realize what dining with the Lotus Eaters did to them, they recognized Eurylochus’ ability to judge the correct course of action, which lead to their intense desire to listen to his words about landing on the island (Book 12, 301) and later when he convinced them to feast on the Sun Sheep, knowing it meant death (Book 12, 366).

When Odysseus received the sack of air he did not trust his men with the contents and they did not trust him as a leader because they believed that he was being unfair in sharing the spoils equally (Book 10, 52), thus causing all sorts of problems and a multitude of deaths further along in their seemingly never-ending voyage back home. This mutual distrust of each other makes it difficult for Odysseus to be a strong leader, making it easier for the men to give into their desires and temptations, especially since they have informally put Eurylochus in the role of leader as they trust him more as they can relate to him.

Odysseus often cries over the loss of his men on the journey back home from Calypso’s lair (Book 5, 167) but during his travels with the men, he is more than willing to sacrifice them so that he himself can get back home. At first, “The [Laestrygonians] speared the crew like fish and whisked them home to make a grisly meal.” (Book 10, 135) but then he loses 6 men per boat from the sea monsters on their way to the island that he was told to avoid, several men die in the Cyclops’ cave so that he can escape, and one even dies while intoxicated on a roof and he does not even notice. “There was a man, Elpenor, the youngest in our ranks… headfirst from the roof he plunged, his neck snapped from the backbone, his soul flew down to death.” (Book 10, 608) He does not mourn their deaths when they happen, using them as a way to further the journey. In fact, he ignores the burial rights granted the dead until he was confronted in the underworld for not respecting his crew mate’s death. Only after this confrontation do they journey back to bury him. While this may seem like Odysseus was correcting his mistake, a leader should have noticed Elpenor missing from the ship when they left instead of having to be confronted in the underworld for not paying attention. A king or a general could misplace a man easily, but a leader should know his crew, at least to the point where they are not leaving dead men behind.

Odysseus is a good king as the people respect him, the gods love him (excluding Poseidon), and his skills in battle are superior. However, those who must interact with him on a more personal basis as their captain hold no respect for his authority due to his impulsive behavior and his lack of an ability to lead them. Odysseus is never able to get his men onto his cause unless they believe that it will benefit themselves, which is one of the reasons that Eurylochus was given more respect — they believed they had the same goals that he did. When Odysseus asked his men to leave after sacking a city, they refused due to greed. Odysseus should know that his men are indulgent from all of these experiences, yet he always gives them the benefit of the doubt, which leads to death and betrayal. His men even believe that after all their time spent together in war and traveling, Odysseus is holding more than his share of the spoils. Odysseus does not help dissuade these restless thoughts in his actions, such as when Athena allowed him to listen to the Sirens and he agrees, but all of his men had to clog their ears. (Book 12, 193) Odysseus does not understand that as a leader, you are in charge of the men, but you cannot view yourself as superior to the point where you desensitize yourself from your crew’s lives and worth. His superiority complex is what makes him act foolishly in the moment, such as when he put his and his crews lives at stake because he had to tell the Cyclops that he was responsible. Since he is also a king and a war general, he has a hard time switching roles, mainly staying in the mindset of a general which lead to the crew feeling unsettled in allowing Odysseus to remain in charge as that role does not benefit them as their lives are used to serve Odysseus’ desires instead of their own needs.

In the second half of the story, it can be argued that Odysseus finally embraces his role as a leader. However, for the majority of the return home Athena is in control, telling him what to do, who to approach, and disguising him to avoid issues. Without personal god involvement, Odysseus held no control or had any plans. “[Calypso] found him there on the headland, sitting still, weeping, his eyes never dry, his sweet life flowing away with the tears he wept for his foiled journey home, since the nymph no longer pleased.” (Book 5, 167) He was on Calypso’s island for seven years and never once did he find a way to leave before the gods decided that Odysseus needed to go home. With god involvement, Odysseus is able to reclaim all losses and become a king easily because he’s not required to lead, but to follow the gods’ desires, which just happen to be the same as his at the current moment in his life.

Odysseus is not a leader. On his journey home, not once was he able to successfully compel his men into following his orders unless their lives were in immediate danger such as when they were in the Cyclop’s cavern. When he was given instructions on how to live, he does not inspire his men so that they’ll listen but rather just lets them come upon opportunities where they can betray him, only then to act surprised that they took the chance when they saw it. As a general in the Trojan war, he was successful in leading battles and gaining respect that way, but as a person his men never feel compelled to listen to him. As a king, Odysseus was greatly loved, respected, and followed by those who follow the same social customs of hospitality and how to live. But, those who did not feel as strongly as Odysseus in following these social norms all betrayed him because he was not a leader, rather a figure head that once gone held no meaning. Because Odysseus could never become a leader as he needed to be, his men betrayed him then died, the gods kept him from home for 20 years, those in his service in Ithaca became lax in their duties, and it took mass destruction and the aid of the gods to fix the mess he allowed creation of. If Odysseus truly was a leader, when did his men, his people, his gods ever follow him?

Works Cited:
Homer. The Odyssey. Trans. Robert Fagles. New York: Viking Penguin Group, 1996. Print.

Poetry: Lost

When she goes to school everyone notices how alert she is
When she hangs out with her friends (the whole lot of them) everyone notices her smile
When she studies in the library everyone notices her concentration and dedication

She's in several clubs
Her friends are numerous
Her smile is always there, happily plastered onto her face
She is always willing to help
She is full of empathy and pity
She's dedicated to her Church and her man
She never seems to have an issue with her life
She is talented in everything she does

But at night when she is all alone...

Her smile falls
Her dedication drops
Her problems overwhelm her
She can't stop eating
She can't stop fasting
She can't stop crying
She needs to cry and the tears won't come
Nothing in her life makes sense and she can't handle it
Does anyone even know her?
Who would notice her absence?

When she lies in bed no one notices her sorrow
When she has a moment alone no one notices the absence of her mask
When she sits outside her house no one sees her anguish

She is nothing
She is everything
She is useful
She is unnoticed
The quiet girl in the corner
The teacher's pet


She is only one thing.
The one thing she is not.


Lost

Poetry: Abusive Love

I'm fine.

Blood trailed down her arm

Don't worry about me.

Bruises sang underneath the shirt, breathing impossible

I'll go to you if I need help.

Stitches burst open again

This is just how our life is.

Fourth time this month in a wheel chair

He loves me.

It was rapturous for him to rape her

I'm fine.

Flatlined for the final time